I’m sorry

I look back at various past events in my life where I said or did things that I feel really guilty, disgusted, and ashamed about. I replay them in my head for hours. I feel anxious about crossing paths with people that I've hurt or upset in the past or who perceive me badly, to the point that I will avoid going out in public as much as possible. I go out for work, errands, appointments, and occasionally to eat (even though those all give me a lot of anxiety), but I avoid community events where people might recognize me and I tend to isolate myself. The only people I see regularly are my boyfriend, my parents, and my coworkers. I live in a small community and I'm worried about people confronting me publicly and proving what a bad person I must be.

I feel like a lot of my fears are actually just centered around what other people think of me because I'm scared of being abandoned and no one loving me anymore. I don't actually feel like my fears are about being a good person. And then when I have this thought it makes me feel even worse because many people here genuinely seem to be scared of being a bad person. I feel like an actual bad person who's more concerned with appearances than anything else :(. I keep having these thoughts like what kind of person am I when I'm alone and with my thoughts. And then I get scared to be alone.

I feel like a horrible person who doesn’t deserve to live. So even when I start feeling better I feel like I don’t deserve that. I just feel like a bad person who doesn’t care about anyone