Idk anymore.

Today I woke up with the intrusive thought „did I harm my dog sexually during the night?“. My brain is specifically relating to the time of 3:57 when I woke up once. From what I remember I only woke up and thought abt going to the toilet but being too lazy and scared of the night so I went back to sleep. But I keep being worried I might have actually been up before that time and done sth. Like I seriously have no Memoires of doing so. Only things that I know were produced by my imagination bc they’re not really possible. I’ve already asked my mother if she had heard me go downstairs at night (we have like some kind of door that keeps you from falling down the stairs which is quite loud to open) but she said she doesn’t know and she hadn’t heard anything and said she’s 100% sure nothing had happened due to how my dog doesn’t seem to care at all and seems to not be scared of me. I’ve also thought abt asking my father and sister but they can’t actually hear anything. Maybe at like 3 am they were up tho for a snack? I know my father often goes to the kitchen at night to eat sth and my sister too. I guess I’ll ask both of them tomorrow. And the thing is that we actually have a camera in our garden which captures a bit of the door where my dog always sleeps and we have a light there so I could’ve been able to check up for my dog in the cameras. Turned out that my parents had turned the camera off at some point. Seems like they only wanted to capture stupid animals hopping onto our car and watching our own family go into the house. Wonderful. I don’t know what to do. The only thing I could now do is either trust my memories and let it go or check for the logic. Last time I was scared I might’ve hurt my dog, I realised that it wasn’t possible for that to have happened and that all of my memories were false. But to be honest, I’m so tired I don’t want to fill 5 days of my life with checking the logic of my obsession. I’ve had multiple su!cide thoughts by now. I’ve spent almost half my day crying. This is my lowest point. I can’t accept the uncertainty. I’m so far in this rn I actually today decided to lock my room from now on and hide my key, take a picture of it to remember it’s exact position and then close the door of the wardrobe I’m hiding it in and putting tape around the openings of the doors from the wardrobe. I seriously don’t want to keep living if this is the life my brain chose to give me.

Username: dustdust

Date posted: 51w ago

Sounds like you’re really suffering right now. Being concerned about being good is great, but OCD is what it is, a disorder. Sucks you’re going through this.

Username: izabela’socdizabela’socd

Date posted: 51w ago

Hey, I’m dealing with the exact same thing. I’m worried I had sexual relations with a baby. That’s my obsession and it’s killing me. I haven’t eaten in 4 days, all I do is cry and drink. It goes against my values. I understand EXACTLY what you’re going through, I thought I did something to my cat as well. I was so obsessed that I had sex with my cat, I got so sick and paranoid I called everyone to tell them something happened. I wrote it down, I checked with my mum, I did all the compulsions. By the end, I realised it was all ocd and I never had sex with my cat. It’s all in your head. Im telling you, as someone who’s literally been in your shoes, I understand and im so sorry you’re going through this. We are warriors. We are fighters. Keep fighting the thoughts. Message me any time x

Username: jamesconnorjamesconnor

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 51w ago

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are way too in your head and worried when you really shouldn’t be. I wish I could take my own advice but ocd attacks what you hold dear. You obviously love your dog and the thought of harming it is so disturbing to yourself. I’ve had dreams I abused my cat and they freaked me the f*ck out. ERP is the best way to retrain your brain so you no longer react so strongly to the thoughts

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 51w ago

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. All things lead to this being only anxiety and not reality. If your dog is eating, walking, peeing and pooping he is fine. I’ve never heard of anyone sexually assaulting a dog in their sleep, and the chances of you being the first are far beyond one in a million. Sure, there’s some remote possibility, but there’s also a possibility that you suddenly become allergic to pickles one day, eat one in your sleep and give yourself a rash. There’s a possibility that I can wake up tomorrow and be fluent in Spanish after quitting trying to learn 7 different times. There is a possibility, but at a certain likelihood we have to just swallow it and get in with life. And this is one of those times.

Username: Mayla123

Date posted: 1y ago

Help please I can't

I was a night out last saturday. I was talking to everyone in the bar. I had a similar thing 5 years ago and in the mean time a few times but not that sticky. Because I knew that I would panic when I drink and dont remember every little thing, I told my friend who was playing at the kicker table about every conversation that I had the evening. At the end of the night I knew almost everyone in the bar. At the end of the night I met a girl whi rememered me from that night 5 years ago. I guess that triggered me? I went to the toilet multiple times and remembered thinking about "what if I think I had sex tomorrow?" And imagined some stuff.Something like that I can not recall it a 100%. When we were going home I cried so much about meeting that girl from 5 years ago, i was just going crazy. I know think that I did have cheated on the toilet and that cryiing was because I did cheat. So the next day I guess everything was fine I was talking about the evening with my friends, they said I was a hyperactive squirell. And we were talking about the evening. Wehen I came home I told my bf that I missed him and told him about the evening. Something felt very off. The next day I was checking my body and saw scratches on my inner thigh.. i knew that I was peeing in a bush of thornes but somehow my mind just didnt want to accept it. Now 7 days later I have really disturbing images in my head of cheating on that toilet. I remember so much if that night but not everytime I went to the toilet. I am so sad.. i think its not ocd. It is real and i just surpressed it. I was feeling so good in that relationship of 8 years with my partner I love him more than everything, but I can nit let that images go. What if I thought having sex is no cheating... or that I needed to know how it felt like to cheat so I can be sure I didnt do it 5 years ago. I cant handle this!!!! I hate myself so much.. I somehow got out of this miseries of disturbing images with other real events like 5-6times but this time I think, it must have happened. What if I had mean thoughts about my boyfriend. Wat if I cheated on him 5 times ....

Username: Beachpie

Date posted: 49w ago

I’m scared

I got diagnosed with ocd recently from my therapist after having years of symptoms since I was a toddler and recently I have had a terrible dream with beastiality in it about 3 months ago and I woke up and cried. I went through the day as usual and then I told one of my friends and I sobbed because that is the last thing I have ever thought about in my life. Luckily my friend was there for me, but then the OCD kicked in. I’ve been having horrible thoughts and I’m scared, I don’t want to do anything to animals never have I ever had thoughts of such. I have two pit bulls that are my sweet babies and I have never had thoughts of anything to do with beastiality in my whole life and now I’m 20 just now being scared of this. It has been the worst ocd obsession I have had in a long time the last one I had lasted 3 years. I’ve been wanting to lock myself in my room and not look at my dogs because I’m afraid to even let them sleep in my room anymore. I stay up all night sometimes because I’m scared I’ll see another dream. My mind is starting to make think I want those thoughts and I’m so scared I’m tearing up whole typing this. I’ve been contemplating suicide because of this fear of doing sexual acts to an animal I would rather not live. I hate living like this and it has been hard to sleep with my partner because now I’m afraid to have intercourse which I have always been able to do with my partner no problem. But now the beastiality OCD has ruined my life and I don’t know what to do.

Username: Ellasmama

Date posted: 24w ago

Please help - not sure this is actually harm ocd

Hi everyone (major TW) I just started therapy here at NOCD yesterday and I am still kind of…badly spiraling and I’m hoping that maybe some of you can make me feel better. I started having harm intrusive thoughts about my dog 8 years ago, and they went away mostly as she got older…until I got badly triggered by a tv show a few weeks ago and here we are. Since then, I’ve had horrible thoughts/visions of knives cutting into her (always her head and neck and always super graphic), words popping into my head (usually on the ends of sentences) about slashing, cutting and worse, and this constant physical feeling of being afraid that I’m going to harm her. Not that I want to, but I’m afraid it will happen, because I constantly feel it even though I don’t want to. I’m constantly aware of the feeling and thoughts being there 24/7 and am battling them all the time - checking the thoughts to see if they bother me enough, scared when or if I just feel numb, and am basically living on the edge of feeling like I’m going to do something horrible to her I don’t want to do. If I think about the words I get shivers down my spine and feel an intense feeling like adrenaline/fear and just want to get away from her asap. I’ve gotten the thoughts about my parents too, and feel the same way, but it’s a little easier to separate myself from them as my dog doesn’t understand. Has anyone else had this? I know I shouldn’t be looking for reassurance but I really need to know if this is actually OCD, or I should lock myself away and give this poor dog to someone else. She was my entire world until 3 weeks ago and now I’m just terrified 24/7 that I’m going to hurt her because it’s all I can think about. Please help me.

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