Hi I'm Xavier and I think I have OCD

Hello, I’m new to this app. I’ve always had an anxious brain, and I’ve had coping mechanisms for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, from as early as I could spell, until I was probably early teens, I would constantly write words in my head along to the beat of music. It’s such a vivid memory because I never stopped doing it. The word had to perfectly match up to the lyric and I loved that it kept my brain busy. I grew out of that, but felt like good context. My anxiety increased drastically around ages 17-19, and I began therapy. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and panic disorder, due to having a panic attack nearly every day at that time. I overcame that as well, and now the panic attacks are every now and then, but the anxiety is constant, and some recent symptoms have led me to believe I might have some form of OCD. Maybe not. I’m trying to understand myself and get better so I joined this app to make sense of things. Lately I’ve been having really intense intrusive thoughts. I’m really embarassed and they make me feel like a bad person. Thoughts pop in my head seemingly out of nowhere. It will be an image of me harming myself or someone else in a really bad way. (Trigger warning) for example the other day I couldn’t shake the image of me putting a knife through my own forehead, although it’s not something I want to do. Or I’ll imagine someone killing me. I imagine my loved ones dying often. The thoughts feel so out of my control it’s insane. I hate them. Another persistent issue that isn’t as new is replaying social scenarios. I’m a hairstylist so this one is difficult since I meet a bunch of new people every day. I obsess over how I act and if people like me. I will impulsively say things all the time and they will haunt me for weeks. I question even my closest friends and family who show their love. I find myself so angry and numb and like I have so much built up emotion and a busy mind always. While doing my job I spiral really badly if any little thing goes wrong and it’s embarassing. I know there’s more but I can’t think of it now. I just want to feel better and like I’m not constantly battling my mind.

Hello everyone! This is my first post since downloading the NOCD app and wanted to share a little about my life with OCD. I was first diagnosed when I was 17 but truly started noticing there was something going on with me as early as 10. To summarize: I have the repetitive ritualistic type of OCD. Basically, I have a fear of becoming other people. I believe that if I perform an action, like turning off the sink or closing a door, or even breathing in and out while thinking about somebody, especially someone that I dislike, that eventually I will become just like that person or experience something they've been through that is negative; like health issues, personality issues, or social status decline. Simple example: I know this one dude named Richard, I worked with him in retail, and he told me about how his brother died at a young age. Now, it’s nighttime, and with that new information known about Richard, I believe, that If I take my contact out while thinking of Richard, or an image of him appears in my head while I’m taking out my contact, I believe that MY brother is going to eventually die too. What’s the solution?: I worked with another kid in retail. His name is Mikey, he was decently put together, and his brother didn’t die. So that means: Now with my contact still on my finger, I put it to my eyeball, and keep tapping at my eyeball with my contact while trying to get an image of Mikey perfectly timed, so that I can cancel out the image of Richard and save my brothers life. This is a challenge because the image of Richard, or I should say, the fear that my brother could die from this thought, is strong, and often times I have to think of other people (from other life experiences) along with Mikey just to feel confident that I got the image cancelled enough to move forward. Every day, I complete many actions and with every action comes a thought or image of some person I’ve encountered in my life that I’m either afraid of becoming or obtaining the same negative life experiences, which therefore means I also have all the othet people in my mind, at the ready, that cancel them out too. Every day I cancel people out and repeat actions disguised to the public. Sometimes it’s noticeable, but knowing how to cover your ugly side while making sure you don’t mess up your future with the wrong thought is just what I call life. I’m a man with a thousand people in his head and its been an EXHAUSTING journey. But through therapy and acceptance of myself, I have found a way to love with it. Like anything else, there are horrible days and okay days, but this is apart of me forever and im lucky to share it all with you! Can anyone relate?? Feel free to comment or reach out! - Matt

Hi, i’m new to this app, i’ve had it for a couple days but finally just built up the courage to make a post… I think i might have OCD, but im not sure what type, or if i even have it, & i would like your guys opinions on it. I want to talk about some of my obsessions, some are physical where i get obsessed with physical objects, & others are where i get obsessed with my thoughts & actions, or other things people do. As well as my compulsions. Some thoughts i have everyday that im constantly worried about is accidentally killing myself, epically with my self-harm, & accidentally killing someone else although ive never had the urge or impulse to hurt someone like that before. I’m also worried about the quality of my car ALWAYS, & worried that someone will break into it, or steal it, or damage it - like hitting it, or doing a hit & run, or getting into an accident. I have constant thoughts about driving into a wall & killing myself. I also have to have the volume in my car at an even number otherwise it feels like i’m going to die, or i’m going to get into an accident. I’m also worried about my house burning down, & i even have to call my mom or text to her to make sure everything’s okay… i’m also constantly worried about people leaving/abandoning me, im worried that something in my past will come up, & someone will perceive me in a certain way that will make them leave me. Or im always worried that ive done something wrong although theres actually nothing i’ve done wrong, which could also make them leave me. I have a really hard time with uncertainty, & i need reassurance constantly. I have a lot of paranoid thoughts like “my family is out to get me” & “everyone’s hates me” & “you’re a horrible person” & images & more, even though i know they’re not real & they have no actual meaning to them. With the physical objects, i get obsessed with ideas or things, like bands, collectibles, keychains, posters, stuffed animals, & basically anthing you can think of, & i feel the need to get things or buy things pertaining to it, to make myself happy or feel fulfilled. at this point im becoming a hoarder. Another thing that i deal with is having things on a special or specific order. i need things to be decorated in my room in a very specific way for me to be happy, & if somethings off it triggers me & makes me really upset. I need to have things facing me, & in order & arrange them in a certain way. I get obsessed with the order of my room & how things look, & need constant approval from others to make sure it looks okay. To calm down i often have to repeat to myself that I am okay, until i actually feel okay again, & i definitely avoid places & situations that trigger me. i also constantly have to fidget with my hands, & my clothes to calm down, & am constantly worried about what other people thing of me, & because of that i have to go to the bathroom especially at work to check how i look & fix my clothes constantly to make sure i look okay. I also have a lot of brain chatter, so no matter what the time of day im always thinking things in the back of my mind, my brain remembers things throughout the day, like music, or people talking, or phrases they say, & sometimes i have to say it out loud to feel okay. Is this OCD? & if so, what type?