i am a waste of time is a waste of time try anything around here or wherever i just have a little hope inside that i will get it but i need someone else help me but i am invisible and i dont get it?...A lot of?

my grades are super bad, my ex moved on, i have no real friends at all, and i feel empty inside. i feel nothing but i feel so many emotions at the same time. i wish i would’ve done better in life. i push people away but then complain about being lonely. me and my ex broke up 8 months ago and i still can’t get over him. he got a girlfriend a week after our breakup and it makes me think about so many things. i’ve talked to guys after that but none of them are the same, i got this feeling with him i got with nobody else and it hurts to know i won’t ever get it back. i feel like im not good or pretty enough for anyone. i feel to difficult for a relationship and to tired. i compare myself to his new girlfriend all the time and i can’t stop. why can’t i be as pretty as her? what was so wrong with me that we had to stop talking? we talk every month as friends but it lasts an hour. my heart craves his love again but i know i won’t ever get him back. i remember this one time i tried cutting off all contact with him because of his girlfriend. when i did, he said he didn’t wanna fully let me go because im a good friend to keep around and he knows ill always be there. i don’t know if he still means that because it’s been months but he still texts me first sometimes. i know i need to let go but im stuck in life and i just need him to help me like he always would. but i cant get his help so i feel stuck and confused and sad and empty.

thought i was sort of improving but nope. I feel so useless. also a lot of the thoughts are "I wish/I want" now and those are the worst because they're so visceral. its so bad I have to go to a college close to ny house bc i'll freak out if I'm far away. maybe I should just give up

I feel like I wasted my life.I am almost 20 years old I feel like I did some mistakes that are too horrible to be forgiven.I didnt help a kid who needed help..Who was in danger ..Who was hurt.This made me think I am dangerous and can't be trusted.I started to have these terrible terrible thoughts(pocd) and I feel like I changes since then.Like I am not a ,,pure" person.That I can't be like I was before.I hope it was a compulsion..I used to also stare at kids years ago.I know is so disgusting and I will never act like that again.I feel like I did something too terrible.I am scared this is all proof I am a p..I don't wanna be that.I will never do something but I am so disgusted by my thoughts.I know I shoulf not seek reassurance and all but I don't know if anyone will want to be near me if they knew.I feel like an impostor.And I am scared to tell a therapist..what if they told me that I really am?! Ped******a is one of the things that disgust me the most ..(I think for everyone is like that).I feel like I am too terrible to do something in life.After all of this idk if I deserve anything.Maybe there was a chance if I didn't start to have these thoughts..but now..I want to became a psychologist, to travel the world.I feel like I wasted my life .And I feel like I have too many things to do and have a lot of places to go.Some people are sick and can't do the things I CAN do.And I feel guilty because of that.And I am also scared I will get sick( as I write this, I am scared I will manifest it).I am going to a therapist but idk if I have the courage to tell abt my pocd