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So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

I'm going through an ocd flare up. I'm in a pretty bad depressive episode and just got triggered so it's harder for me to cope. Can't really get out of bed so can't take my mind off it. It feels so real this time. But of course I'm not confessing and this has happened many times before so I'm choosing to stay uncertain and live with it. Just wanted to share with anyone because it all feels really heavy and my close ones already seem so fed up with me hahs. If anybody is going through the same thing just remember that you're not alone!

Recently, since completing my year long therapy program and being connected with NOCD (and now in the transitionary period and waiting for the green light from insurance to work with an OCD specialist), I've been trying to convince myself to go out more and go to public places--to go shopping again, order food in-person, maybe to meet someone, get extra work, something! But...many days, basically EVERY day, my OCD bullies me into thinking my intrusive thoughts are the ONLY certain thing that WILL happen that day, even though they haven't. I worry I can't be around people, or that I pose some risk to others, and that it'd be better for the world, if I stayed in my family home. Unless I've been explicitly given a task by an immediate family (drive someone to an appointment/work/a commitment that they can't get to themselves, or the 1 part-time job I have), I'm to remain in the house, mostly my room. It's this paralyzing time-vampire, that just saps you of your will to do ANYTHING or break out of familiarity. Not even comfortable familiarity, just familiar. You know it's not good for you, and your over it, and that new better opportunities exist just outside of those doors, but so do the narratives your intrusive thoughts write. And why would you go out and risk turning an unpleasant page, when the familiar story you know all to well, and read every day has as serviceable. Not a good end, not a bad one. Just a temporary end. You revel in being able to put your head down on your pillow, at the end of the day, and close your eyes, simply because you made it through the day. You didn't accomplish much, due to satiating your obsessions with your compulsions for hours on end, but your pillow still feels so rewarding...your reward for surviving, even though you'll be deploy to that hellish battlefield in your mind again tomorrow.