Username: Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 44w ago

DPDR and pure O

I’ve been suffering from non stop 24/7 dpdr for a year and a half now. I never really had OCD in a big way before I suffered some major panic attacks. Since then I’ve been a completely different person. I used to live a carefree life of traveling. Socializing. Experiencing life. After my panic attacks I became agoraphobic, couldn’t leave the house or work. My thoughts were like a washing machine over and over. I’ve done a lot of work to help overcome the fear of panic, but I’m still stuck in a 24/7 DPDR state- my thoughts never stop, I’m always searching for answers about my mental health, I have music stuck in my head from the time I wake up to the time I got to sleep, my mind is racing, attacking what I value, saying hopeless thoughts, anxiously worried about everything, I don’t do physical compulsions but I’m mentally checking myself all the time to see if I’m in DPDR still, or if things feel “weird” - I have a huge fear of going crazy and death. Although I’m not having panic attacks anymore, I’m still mentally anxious all the time. I feel like I cannot escape my thoughts, they torture me. I can’t feel any emotions, I’ve lost my sense of self, I can’t make new memories or be present - I’m constantly in my head. A lot of what kicked this off was years of trauma that was stored in my nervous system, once unleashed, I haven’t been able to recover. I want my life back. I’m tired of living in fear and exhaustion to the point where nothing brings me joy. Anxiety and ocd have taken my freedom from me, I feel like the thoughts rule every decision I make instead of being able to live freely, sometimes I don’t think it’s anxiety because I can’t feel anything physically, but these thoughts torture me- no one should have to live this way. What do I do? I’m taking medication but all it’s done is stop the physical symptoms, the thinking has not gotten better

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 44w ago

I constantly have thoughts about my dog dying. I worry that Im going to lose everyone I love and everything I love. I lost my mom to cancer. As well as my brother. I was bullied incessantly as a kid and teenager and emotionally abused by my father. I’ve always been an overthinking person, but until it turned into this - I could manage it

Username: Simon Simon

Date posted: 44w ago

My sister had this exact same form of OCD, centered around depersonalization/disassociation and panic. It’s actually really common. My ocd is usually more in the taboo realms, but I’ve seen your theme multiple times in ocd groups as well. The thing is, it’s all ocd. Treated the same way. I also have had major panic disorder, and my ocd manifests as constant panic attacks. Use your tools of agreeing with the catastrophic fears, do your ERP diligently, and consider medication. My sisters ocd improved dramatically after taking SSRIs, and if you are in a constant state of panic, I would consider carefully taking a benzo like Ativan or klonopin to help relax enough to start your ERP. Just get a professional to prescribe it and tell you how to use it, because they can be addictive if you take them too often

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 44w ago

@Simon The hardest part about DPDR is that the state itself makes you feel unreal, so you question reality, if I didn’t feel unreal - I wouldn’t have these thoughts. It’s a viscous cycle. I haven’t had a panic attack in like a year almost. I had 3-4 really bad ones which is what landed me in DPDR and my brain has been an anxious mess ever since. I traveled the world alone and now I can’t even get on an Airplane. I feel like I’m in some nightmare I can’t get out of. Benzos unfortunately don’t do anything anymore, they helped with my physical anxiety but the obsessive rumination continues even if I take a benzo

Username: Rosefield234Rosefield234

Date posted: 44w ago

I am so sorry. I can relate with this 100% and I truly wish it wasn’t happening to other people. I am really struggling and have been for almost two years. I would say things have gotten better but it is still very hard. I think the things that have helped me the most are trying to focus on my core values and to really embrace them in my life. It is not easy and I struggle every day but I do believe you will get better and so will I. DPDR was the hardest symptom/thing that I ever dealt with in my life. I feel that I have gotten through the majority of it but I still have major OCD/anxiety issues. I also feel like I have lost my sense of self and I so badly want it back. I think everything takes time and it is important to remember that progress doesn’t always feel like progress. It is a small battle everyday but you are doing it.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 44w ago

@Rosefield234 It’s the worst thing I’ve ever been through. It’s crippled my life in almost every way. I miss traveling so much. I can’t do anything that I used to love. My brain sees danger in everything and will obsessively think about it over and over. I’ve lost my sense of self and reality - all my goals, ambitions and dreams have gone away. DPDR makes everything feel pointless and dreamlike, so how can I live my life to the fullest? I’ve been through a lot of trauma and my mind has gotten into a mode of obsessing about things I cannot answer or guarantee. My life has become a state of survival, there’s no joy or feeling. I wouldn’t wish DPDR on my worst enemy

Username: Rosefield234Rosefield234

Date posted: 44w ago

@Anonymous I really relate with everything you are saying. The first year after I started suffering I felt like traveling was never ever going to happen again. I felt so much anxiety it was excruciating. I eventually booked a plane ticket to a destination only 2 hours away and I did it. It was not easy and it was not a wonderful trip but I did it. Since then I have been on a plane two more times which is a huge accomplish. It still is not easy but I have been able to enjoy it a bit more each time. DPDR will forever be my worst experience but you have to fight to get your life back. And the fact that you are here on this chat proves that you are making a huge effort already. Just keep remembering the life really is real and you had a life before all this happened and you will have one after all this is over. You still have your life now it just doesn’t feel like it because of all the bad feelings.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 44w ago

@Rosefield234 You’re brave. There’s just absolutely no way I can fly like this. I flew 16 hours alone just before the pandemic. I have no fears of flying. It’s the being trapped with these thoughts and feelings, unable to escape. A lot of my anxiety is about not being able to escape - I had none of these existential fears but I did have a fear of panic attacks after my panic. Then it all turned into this. I can’t imagine my life ever could be normal again. I used to have a Friday feeling, a morning feeling, a holiday feeling - nothing has any feelings anymore, I can’t sense time or seasons at all. My life is the same numbness and unreality every single day. I went from having a vibrant, social and outgoing life - to hiding in my apt because I have no energy for anything else. I’ve overcome agoraphobia - I couldn’t even leave my room when this started, I’ve worked so hard, I’m working again, trying my best to live a normal life. But I feel so far from it. My life isn’t my own anymore, it’s some dream - a complete disconnect from who I used to be

Username: Rosefield234Rosefield234

Date posted: 44w ago

@Anonymous I felt like that for a very long time. And still do to a certain extent. Watching YouTube videos about DPDR really helped. The “depersonalization manual” channel was a great resource. Again, it didn’t cure me but it helped the process. As for the “feelings”, I think that as soon as you can start focusing you brain on things that used to fill you with happiness, those same feelings will start to come back. It isn’t going to be immediate. But even if you make a small accomplishment every week or two then you will start to feel more like yourself. Don’t feel like you can’t do things because of it. You absolutely can. It is just much harder at the moment and it will take a lot of determination. After two years I noticed the other day that I felt excited for the weekend. This was the first time I had felt those feelings in so long. While is was so minor, it felt like a big accomplishment to me. You will get there.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 44w ago

@Rosefield234 Yeah I’ve watched all the dp manual videos and a lot of others. I’m trying my best to focus on things that I enjoy, but there’s no feelings so I tend to just stay home. Also, I’m exhausted all the time. It doesn’t matter how much I sleep, always tired. So my motivation for doing this is very little. I know that weekend feeling. I haven’t had it in so long. I don’t even get the feels to music or anything anymore. It’s all just nothing.

Username: Rosefield234Rosefield234

Date posted: 44w ago

@Anonymous One thing that I learned through my OCD homework is to not avoid trying to feel those feelings. For example, listen to music that used to give you joy. Even if it doesn’t now, just listen with no judgement. Same thing with the “feelings” around holidays, weekends, etc. Do your best to not obsess about not feeling those feelings and try to find acceptance with the phase you are in now and the fact that it WILL get better. My therapist told me that my obsession with “getting better” and “feeling better” really was a hindrance to my progress. This could possibly be the same for you.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 44w ago

@Rosefield234 Yeah I do all those things. I listen to music and try to plan fun things. DPDR has quite frankly ruined my life. I’ve lost all my emotions and who I was. Everything feels so unreal and pointless. I used to love life. Now I’m barely surviving

Username: Jay08Jay08

Date posted: 26w ago

@Anonymous Hi how are you doing with DPDR I’m currently dealing with is it’s been really hard!!

Username: Cozy_dragon

Date posted: 2y ago

Ocd about being alive

At this point I’m pretty sure I’m psychotic. I have intrusive thoughts all day long of me doing a bunch of things that I never and will never do. Images of me poking out my own eyes in all sorts of other horrific things that will have to do with self mutilation. These images have been haunting me for two years with the persisting fear that I will act out on these things one day despite me never wanting to do so. Now on top of these thoughts I am dealing with something else. I keep thinking about the fact that there’s no escape from life other than death and it makes me feel scared and trapped. I can’t stop thinking about this that there’s no escape. It’s scaring me. I want to live I have no desire to die but once I get the intrusive thought about not being able to escape this life is scaring me. I believe I’m going through depersonalization because nothing feels right my surroundings feel unfamiliar I feel unfamiliar. I feel like an alien in a place that seems unknown to me. This all started after I had a panic attack in the shower three weeks ago over my intrusive harm thoughts and in the moment I actually thought that my life was over and that I was about to act out on it but of course I didn’t because it’s just a thought and an obsessive fear. Something I would never do but it felt so real in that momentI almost passed out from the fear. The day after that I felt like nothing was real and I’m still in depersonalization and having panic attacks on the regular but today I got that thought about not being able to escape life and how we’re basically all trapped here. I can’t stop thinking it and it’s making me feel sick. Maybe if I Felt more connected to myself and my surroundings stuff like this wouldn’t bother me but that panic attack destroyed me. Does this sound like OCD or something else?I was completely normal and fine three weeks ago yes I had my intrusive thoughts but they weren’t scaring me or controlling me like they are now.

Harm OCD

Username: 12345678910

Date posted: 1y ago

depersonalization and fear of going crazy

hi! I really need someone to help out right now. I would appreciate it so much. Thanks:) I know this is kind of long, but please help me out and read it. please help confirm for me that the symptoms im experiencing are just extreme existential OCD, depersonalization, and anxiety. it would make me feel a lot better. 7-8 months ago a traumatic event led me to experience severe depersonalization. ive had OCD for as long as i can remember basically, but it’s become a lot worse from this. i am a very big overthinker, so i tend to over analyze a lot of the things going on around me, my perception of everything, my thoughts, etc. it’s gotten so bad because of the depersonalization that i at times really can’t function anymore. one day, all i’ll be able to think about is the irrational fear that i somehow am going to die and there’s something terribly wrong with my brain, like cancer or something. then the next, i’ll be freaking out, worrying that im gonna go crazy. like this is some kind of early onset schizophrenia. i start doing research and i start obsessing over each and every thought i have, everything i see, etc. then i’ll be paranoid about my family, worrying that none of them are real and they’re imposters or something. i know it’s irrational. i recognize that and don’t genuinely believe it. but the fact that this thought worries me concerns me even more because it leads me to believe im going crazy. i am having existential crises regularly. like, all the time. it’s actually ridiculous. i’ll be reading a book and i start contemplating the English language and how it came to be, and then language altogether, and then how humans were able to create and understand language, and then how they were able to sound it out, how sound exists altogether, and so on. lol. like what the hell? a few days ago i was looking out of my bedroom window, and all the sudden had the intrusive thought come into my head, “what if this is just a simulation and what you see outside of your window is merely a two dimensional image?” and then i almost had a full on panic attack. anyways, those are some examples. i’m so worried. i feel like i have no control over what freaks me out anymore. i feel like i have no control of my brain altogether. i don’t want to go crazy. i don’t want to feel like im stuck in a dream anymore. im so scared. somebody please help me. i live my life in fear, worrying about everything i perceive. im exhausted. i can’t tell anyone because i don’t want them to worry, or think that im going crazy. that’ll only reinforce my fears.

Username: TofuIndulger

Date posted: 1y ago

Stuck

Hey everyone. This is my first post here and it’s probably going to be a long one because I guess I feel comfortable enough to be open here. I need help. When I first got diagnosed with OCD, I figured it only impacted a small part of my life. I thought I was only affected with compulsions and obsessions that dealt with contamination, tangible perfectionism and the obvious intrusive thoughts and that’s it. Well, I’ve come to realize that most of my thinking has been impacted by OCD. At this point the only way to describe how it feels to me is a forest of thorny vines growing in place of my mind or maybe through and around my brain constantly growing every-time I give into this type of thinking (which is basically all the time because I wasn’t aware this was OCD). I’ve definitely felt it more recently, but I know it’s always been there from what I recall from past memories. I got diagnosed not so long ago with OCD and I was happy to because it explained this thing I knew was wrong with me but I didn’t know how much it will and has impacted me in the past. So, I think I’ve created a matrix in my mind or strengthened the OCD thought patterns because now I feel like my OCD impacts everything I do. And I guess I’m saying I need help here because maybe you guys will be able to see it, maybe validate me and point me where I can get help. I’ve been telling the people around me, I think my thinking is disordered and I need help but I don’t think they really understand the amount it’s affecting me or grasp what I meant when I say “I Need Help”. I did have a therapist before but because of a insurance change, she can’t work with me anymore and I’m not sure when I’ll get another (just to clarify). Back to the matter, the past couple of months I’ve been in my head just thinking and thinking. About everything. To the point where my head starts to hurt or until I feel sick of thinking about it but I can’t. I find that’s my obsessions and compulsions (other than the need for order [which can also be mental]) are very mentally based and I find myself ashamed of them so I hide them so maybe that’s why the people around me don’t feel my need for getting help as much as I do. Anyways, examples of this have been, -constantly thinking about what’s the purpose of all of life and the hidden messages in life -feeling like if I don’t do everything perfectly then what the point or being very mad at myself -being obsessed with how I present to the rest of the world sometimes even in close relationships -having calculated movements and actions (having to move my body a certain way or it doesn’t feel right) -obsessing over an absolute truth -questioning friendships and other relationships - obsessing over achievements or failures -obsessing over people -obsessing over decisions and outcomes because I want to make the perfect decisions I could go on and on but basically it’s just a lot of thinking and ruminating and obsessing to the point where people tell me I look like I’m some where else all the time. And I’ve started to feel like I find comfort in it now. I’m also diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I feel like it’s all just OCD. And same goes for my dissociation. I feel like they all root from my OCD. I’m so tired of feeling like this all the time and without my therapist I feel like I’m stuck here. I can’t make decisions, I’m never present, I can’t make or keep friendships/ relationships, everything impacts me deeply because I create a emotional obsession to it, I can’t just be without questioning everything and I’m constantly in my head. I’ve also started getting high all the time because I feel like it’s the only way to escape my brain but I’ve felt like it’s getting out of hand. I’m starting to lose in any type of hope of getting better. Does anyone have an advice for working on OCD by yourself or identifying when it’s OCD (especially mental obsessions and compulsions) so I can start to chip at this boulder that’s weighing down my life and energy?

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DPDR and pure O

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