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Just a little side note: I know this post has been made MANY times by me. However, I had a therapist respond to my post today saying that I need to reach out to my therapist on this because the context was not clear. This made me more stressed and ruminate more. It's not the therapist fault; but not I wonder if I'm really the monster. I'm a Christian mom who feels like I've ruined my life. My daughter was laying across me and every time I breathed a certain way I was getting a groinal sensation. I kept breathing like that anyways (ugh idk why), and then my mind told me I had hurt her that I might as well do something else because what's more. So idk why or what overcame me other than the thought of doing it and causing another feeling (I literally had to question what to do during this and the only thing I could come up with was to move my elbow) but it came across my mind to elbow her, and I elbowed her crotch or side area. Which caused another groinal sensation. Then I began FREAKING smooth out. Then I've been stressing since. I feel like as a mom I don't deserve to be hers anymore. Idk what overcame me. PLEASE tell me if I am a monster. I was doing SO well! Is this really OCD?

Hi. I am going through something really hard right now, and I could use some insight, especially from others who deal with OCD and morality-based spirals. There was a time during a really emotional conversation with my boyfriend when he said something incredibly painful. He said something like he only felt lust for me but did not feel love anymore. I was completely crushed. It felt like everything I believed about our relationship was ripped out from under me. In that moment, I told him that what he said felt like rape. I want to be really clear. I knew even then that it was not a good or accurate comparison. It was not assault. I was trying to express how emotionally violated and broken I felt, and that word came out. I even labeled it directly, not just compared it, and that is what has been haunting me. I feel like I kept going along with it, not because I wanted to lie or manipulate, but because I felt like if I backed down from it, he would not understand the depth of how hurt I was. He didn’t seem to understand any other way. Later, when we tried to be intimate again, I told him not to touch me. And even though a part of me did want closeness, I still felt like I had to react that way, like I had to follow through with what I had said earlier. I wanted so bad for him to understand the impact of his words. That part is killing me. It makes me feel like I was not being authentic, that I was performing a reaction instead of living it. I feel like I acted like a survivor when I was not one, and I hate myself for that. Now, OCD is eating me alive over it. It keeps telling me I am a liar, a manipulator, and someone who cannot be trusted. And it feels so real. But I also know I was hurting. I was not trying to deceive anyone. I was just overwhelmed, desperate to be understood, and probably influenced by years of invalidation from my family over almost everything. I have talked to my boyfriend about it and apologized. He told me he understands and forgives me. But I cannot forgive myself, and I do not know if what I did is forgivable. Has anyone ever been in a similar place? I feel so so awful this was 3 years ago. Now I feel like I can’t trust any of my emotions. I’m analyzing every reaction, past and present, trying to decide if it was “real enough” or if I was somehow dishonest. It feels like OCD has completely hijacked my sense of self. Please help :(

Today I kind of snapped and I do feel bad. At Chipotle, a worker wasn’t letting me finish my order and every 2 seconds she kept saying “that’s it?” “That’s it?” Like rushing me, and I yelled, “YES, THATS IT!” I do feel bad because maybe she was having a bad day but I was also frustrated. I do regret it because I need to stay calm in situations, especially because I understand how hard it is to work in fast food, I’ve done it before. I was overwhelmed and frustrated, she kept talking over me and I couldn’t even think about what I wanted next. I’m irritated with myself but I also feel my feelings aren’t wrong, I just handled it in a negative way. Now my OCD has latched on the situation and I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like I’m an awful person and like I need some sort of punishment, as if having OCD isn’t enough punishment. I did try to call the restaurant to apologize but no one answered. I sent an email with an apology to customer support, I’m not sure if she’ll even get it. I’m having so many ruminating and self deprecating thoughts now. I’m not a terrible person but I feel like I am