False memories and real details

First time poster. If anybody can help, I'd really appreciate it. I'm terrified I did something very wrong over 30 years ago and hurt someone. I never thought about this until 2020 when I had an OCD episode which resulted in me checking my past to make sure there was nothing I had forgotten. At first different scenarios cam e to mind about which I obsessed over for many months to see if I had done any of these things. I finally managed to move on but then earlier this year, it was triggered again. More thinking followed and I suddenly got this new memory of doing something awful to someone. I say memory, it was more like a snap shot. Months later, I'm still really struggling. The thing that I keep telling myself is that I would have remembered before if this was true. Surely, it would have popped into my memory over the years and bothered me, especially as I have had other false memories (I hope) along the same theme over the years. It's just horrible. I am waiting for therapy but I still have a couple more months for it to start. If anybody can help, I'd really appreciate it.

I am drowning in my mind and I need some outside perspective or even just someone who may relate a little. I’ve already made a post about some of my story involving false memory ocd, but I figured I would come on here and share what has “reawakened” the issue for the past two years. I had laid off of worrying over my false memory for a few years, but it all started up again with me double checking that no crime/murder/etc had taken place in my town around the time I was struggling with harm ocd. Well, it quickly took a turn when I found an article about a “suspicious” death that had occurred around that time. According to the article, this death was eventually labeled as no foul play (aka not murder). But I still obsessed over this because of how real my worry had felt in the past that I somehow had left my house, hurt/killed someone, came back home and forgot. I searched through all of my activity history (Google, YouTube, Facebook) from around that time. I found a large gap in my Facebook activity (like several days of no activity) which was around the same time during the month the man had died. That only skyrocketed my worries even though I knew I had been struggling which may have been the reason why my activity had gaps (the previous month had a similar one as well). But nope, I continued obsessing and panicking because guess what? My YouTube activity from the weekend prior to when the man was found dead has weird activity (the history shows a gap in between 7pm - 4am on that Saturday). I tried finding a similar gap in the months surrounding, but could only find one that was sort of similar (7pm - 2am). So this led me to come up with the idea that I must have done “it” that night. Keep in mind, I would’ve been a scrawny 14 yr old girl at the time, and I don’t even know what I would’ve done or even could’ve done. That’s all to say — it just feels like my life is some huge lie and that all my fears are true. I don’t want to hurt anybody, and I know that younger me probably didn’t want to either, but how can I ignore what feels like actual proof that I’m a monster? It’s not like my false memories didn’t feel real either, so I can’t even shrug it off at all. I never see anyone have “proof” that their false memory is true, and in fact it’s usually people saying they have proof that it’s not. I’m just so lost, and I feel like I’m just lying to myself despite having been told by multiple therapists that this is just OCD.

I read multiple articles on false memory ocd an now I’m confused. I actually thought that false memory ocd is marked by things that are actually completely fabricated by the brain. But I keep seeing things like „an event that may or may not have happened“, does this mean that it could actually be true? Are there any ways how to find out if what you’re going through is real if it’s an actual bad act? Because for me I have been completely focused on false memory ocd lately and while I was ruminating on another one, I suddenly got an image of sth even worse that could maybe be like 7 or 8 months ago. I never remembered this happening and for months I’ve been convinced I had never hurt anybody but then I got this image. I instantly also thought that this didn’t happen and that I would definitely remember if it had happened because it’s actually horrible and it’s not just something you would quickly do and then completely forget, it’s an actual entire act. And I never was close to that person. But I keep being like „but what if I listened to my intrusive thoughts? But I can’t remember doing that and I even have posts on here from around that time saying I was too afraid of that person and that I would never ever listen to my intrusive thoughts… but what if I tried to get rid of my ocd theme by doing this? Nah that’s not what I would do and I know that… I’ve never done any harmful things just to get rid of this theme this is stupid“ etc etc. Like I keep fearing I might’ve done this and done it for various reasons. But I can’t actually remember doing it. All those scenarios feel like they’re just imaginations. But I can’t let go of it. And usually for memories it’s that with time you start to be able to puzzle it all together trough evidence and u don’t forget bad things you’ve done. For example, I know that like a year ago I pushed my sister while I was having an argument with her. I remember everything from then because in my entire life I’ve barely ever done anything to others and so I usually remember those events almost 100% perfectly. I also remember sth from almost 10 years ago in which I called one of my friends (and ik this is bad, that’s why I remember it) fat. I lost a few details but I still remember what exactly I did and that the exact same day I called the parents and apologised bc I felt bad. But for this scenario, I’ve been ruminating on it for TWENTY days and I’m still in the doubting stage. I have spent hours ruminating by now and I still don’t have any actual memories back, just things like „but what if I was mad and then just did this and instantly forgot about it?“ and all this. But not an actual full scenario of me doing this even though it could only be a few months away. Idk what To do, I can’t continue living with the uncertainty. If it’s real, then I won’t even continue living. People like these are terrible and disgusting and don’t deserve living and everybody can agree on that.