I’m so afraid/venting

This is my first time posting here. At the beginning of this year, I started obsessing over an event that happened two years ago, which then led me to obsess over events from seven years ago. I'm certain those events happened, but now I'm unsure if my thoughts are intrusive or if I truly did something unforgivable. After reading someone's real event, I had a disturbing memory of doing something the exact same thing. It's the first time I've ever had this memory, and the problem is, I can't remember if it actually occurred. Every time I think about it, the details change, leaving me with no concrete answer. I've searched through all my pictures, messages, and memories, trying to pinpoint if and when it happened. Ultimately, I know I can't change the past, and even if it did happen, there's nothing I can do about it now, but it haunts me every day. If I did do this, I feel undeserving of anything good in this world. It's affecting my relationships and work, and I fear that if I accept it as false, it might resurface later, potentially ruining my life. I've always condemned this act, but maybe I myself did it as a teenager and either forgot or chose to forget.

Username: coocoocoocoo

Date posted: 41w ago

I’ve recently begun to question the validity of some of my worst, I’m a Terrible, shitty human, what’s wrong with me memories. Like, maybe I didn’t do that? Or maybe I did but it’s not as awful as my memory of it? But you’re describing the opposite- maybe I DiD do this/that? Let me serve up that shit sandwich narrative in my memories… what we look for we will find. We have enough guilt and intrusive thoughts without searching for it. Give yourself a break. Who would you be without that thought? Then go Order the strawberry shortcake w a cherry on top🥰 Good luck.

Username: anon70anon70

Date posted: 40w ago

@cctaylor Hi, thank you so much for this message! What you said about it maybe not being as awful as my memory of it helped so much. I realize that the memory just kept getting worse and more vile than from when I first thought of it, ultimately feeding my worst fear. I still don’t know if it occurred or not and I’m so tired of searching for reassurance that it didn’t. I might just have to accept that I might never know. Thank you! 🥲

Username: ZeldaKorr32ZeldaKorr32

Date posted: 41w ago

hey, i'm really sorry you're going through this. it sounds incredibly tough, especially when past events start to feel so uncertain and affect your daily life like this. it's a heavy burden to carry, feeling like you might have done something unforgivable, and it's understandable that it's impacting your relationships and work. by the way, have you heard about this new ai-powered ocd therapy tool called 'unstuck?' when i was in a similar spot, feeling haunted by past events and unsure about my memories, this free ai ocd therapy tool called "unstuck" (unstuckmyocd.com/try) that my nocd therapist recommended really helped me out. i think it'll be especially helpful for you because it offers personalized step-by-step support for when ocd gets tough, sort of like having an ocd therapist in your pocket. it's really good at helping you work through those moments when you're unsure if your thoughts are intrusive or if something actually happened. i hate when people promote stuff, but i really think it can help you because it's changed my life. lmk if you have qs or just want to talk more! <3

Username: letsgo

Date posted: 5y ago

TW!! POCD Please help. I’ve been doing decent lately but just need support on something that has kept me stuck. I can’t tell if this is a real memory or not, but I’m pretty sure it is. Maybe distorted. But feels so real. And I’m terrified. Last year before my huge OCD spike. So before I even knew I had OCD. I remember being around kids at work, and this girl in a skirt was on a climber on the playground and I remember looking up and you could see her underwear. I remember staring for a minute, and it was kind of like a car accident, I couldn’t look away. I remember finally coming to my senses and saying I wonder what people would think if they knew I was doing this. After that, I completely forgot about it until my spike in October and I’ve been living in a prison of regret and guilt ever since. I sometimes see that child at work still and I get a rush of anxiety and guilt. I just don’t know how to move pass this, for this reason it gives my OCD proof that I am what I fear so much. Is it possible that I was experiencing intrusive thoughts then and just didn’t care enough or realize it. I’m so broken from this. I hate what I’m going through. I hate myself if this memory is real.

POCD

Username: lesley68

Date posted: 3y ago

First time poster. If anybody can help, I'd really appreciate it. I'm terrified I did something very wrong over 30 years ago and hurt someone. I never thought about this until 2020 when I had an OCD episode which resulted in me checking my past to make sure there was nothing I had forgotten. At first different scenarios cam e to mind about which I obsessed over for many months to see if I had done any of these things. I finally managed to move on but then earlier this year, it was triggered again. More thinking followed and I suddenly got this new memory of doing something awful to someone. I say memory, it was more like a snap shot. Months later, I'm still really struggling. The thing that I keep telling myself is that I would have remembered before if this was true. Surely, it would have popped into my memory over the years and bothered me, especially as I have had other false memories (I hope) along the same theme over the years. It's just horrible. I am waiting for therapy but I still have a couple more months for it to start. If anybody can help, I'd really appreciate it.

Username: bumblebee_bu...

Date posted: 2y ago

Help Please :(

I keep oscillating between telling myself that a faint memory could’ve been true since it popped into my head in a moment of distress and it was the first immediate memory I had so therefore it must’ve happened, and that I’m just in denial and trying to make it OCD so I can live with the fact that it “might not have happened”. I’m so scared that it did happen and that I’m relying on the fact that I didn’t remember the specifics so that I can have the possibility of it not happening. It’s not something I condone today nor does it reflect who I am nor does it seem like something I would do, but if so, why did it feel so familiar ? I have evidence that my memory is really distorted at times and it combines things and I was in a state of such panic that I might’ve just compiled memories together that is the worse scenario (since it’s something I’m so afraid of happening). But then I keep getting scared that I’m just in denial because I feel a faint familiarity to certain things. I’m honestly so panicked and sad and heartbroken. I keep fearing I did something wrong and faint memories would pop into my head and I would question when it happened and try to remember everything and it would anger me that I couldn’t remember everything. And it feels so wrong for me to just live with the fact that something could’ve happened even though it’s not reflective of who I am today. It feels immoral to not confess. I just want words of comfort and understanding and I just need to know I have hope for the future and I can be happy. Please help.

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