Overcame

It’s been a few months since I’ve been on here and I’m happy to say it’s because I am pretty much pure o, ocd free! This app really did help so much! I want to share the things that helped me get a grip on ocd. I don’t want to use the words “recover or control” because ocd is a part of our brains but it doesn’t mean it has to be a distressing part. I had my first ocd flare up in Nov and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was crying and panicking almost every night for weeks, looking back I can’t believe I made it through the things I needed to do in life because I was a mess. But now I look at things like atleast I know what it is and how to deal with it when it comes. So here are my tips. 1. Reading about intrusive thoughts and pure o online and in books. I consumed as much knowledge about ocd as I could. 2. Starting erp therapy on my own and with a therapist. Though I do have a therapist to guide me 100% of erp is the work I put in. I would try all the recommendations of erp from accepting the thought, to making myself have the thoughts as practice, resisting compulsions, changing the way I reacted and thought about an intrusive thought, now this isn’t easy... but I did it all the time even when I felt the panic feeling and even when the ocd was strong, even when I didn’t believe it. I faked it until I made it 3. Practice is helpful, it took days of hard work especially in the first few months but that’s what I did, I considered every day, every intrusive thought as practice 4. Once I stopped the compulsions, (luckily mine weren’t very strong and I cut them off quick) I began thinking the thoughts that bothered me, and slowly added more disturbing content into my life (my ocd was harm ocd mainly) 5. I told myself that “yes that bad thought is real” and didn’t try to comfort my intrusive thought or push it away, if ocd said I was crazy and going to be locked in a facility then I agreed, I would say it in my head and sometimes out loud “yup your right ocd I’m crazy” 6. After acceptance and exposure I began working on being kinder to myself, I didn’t think that this step was crucial but it is.... ocd wants us to suffer and in a way it’s like by giving it power I wanted to suffer too, I told myself that ocd is a liar and I don’t want to suffer, it’s ok that I have ocd I accept it but now I must be gentle with myself 7. Learning to always default to these things when an intrusive thought happens, so much so that my brain does it naturally now ...a) hi ocd that’s cool but I’d rather not think about that and I continue doing what I’m doing, this is hard in the beginning but gets easier b) sure ocd I am definitely crazy but again I think I’d rather keep watching this show c) I am okay with the possibility of that happening but now is not the time for me to figure that out d) you are a liar and separate from me but thanks for the interesting thought ...8. Remembering these things: ocd is a liar, a thought isn’t sumthing u control but what u do with it is, if you don’t want to do something you won’t because of your morals and free will, this concept took me awhile to grasp but repetition is key. Almost everyone get intrusive thoughts so you aren’t unique or alone. I’ve learned through the ups and downs of erp how to combat my intrusive thoughts, how to be kinder to myself and how to change the way I think in order to live a better life. I still get an intrusive thought occasionally when I’m sticky but the way I think about the thought is so automatic now and so relaxed because of the work I’ve put in! If you are working towards erp don’t stop, keep going! I feel you, I know it’s hard and exhausting... 11 months ago I thought I was going crazy I was in the worst place of my life flash to today and it’s like I never even had ocd! You can do this I promise xx

Hi everyone, I’ve been meaning to write this for some time now, but kept looking for the “right time”. I suffer from relationship OCD (ROCD). I met my current partner about 3 years ago. We immediately had a connection and there was something different about him compared to my prior relationships. However, I didn’t feel the butterflies. I didn’t feel like I was on top of the world. And that’s when it started: ROCD. From as early as our second date, I remember thinking “am I attracted to him?” “Am I just with him cuz he meets all the criteria?” “Do I even like him”. A few intrusive thoughts turned into constant rumination, crippling anxiety and most importantly, fear. I constantly obsessed about whether he was the one, whether I really liked him, etc. I lost my appetite. I couldn’t sleep. I cried all the time. I started going to talk therapy where I would feel some relief after my session which was followed by an even stronger wave of anxiety. I would seek reassurance from friend after friend, my mom, my brother. In fact, I even had a hierarchy in my head of which person I went to for reassurance based on the level of anxiety I was feeling. I contemplated breaking up numerous times. My therapist once told me “why don’t you just take a break from the relationship?” And I nearly passed out from the panic and anxiety (this therapist was evidently not OCD trained and never thought it was odd that for 6 months straight the only thing I ever talked about was my relationship and the “rightness” of it). I compulsively googled things like “how to know if someone is the one”. I even started taking medication. I truly had no idea what was going on. Mind you, I am a doctor, board certified in internal medicine. And I did everything I could to diagnose myself, but I was clearly unsuccessful. My MD was of no help. Then, I opened up to a friend of mine who suffers from OCD (a different theme) herself, and she put it together. She told me to stop compulsively googling all the things I already had been, but to google ROCD. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. I felt a huge sense of relief. I was not crazy and most impotently, I wasn’t alone. I signed up for a therapist with NOCD. I started therapy with an OCD trained therapist (Taylor Newendorp, he’s amazing btw). I practiced ERP diligently. Did I have days when I fell back in the traps of ROCD? Heck yeah. At first I did ERP via intentional exercises I was given by my therapist. However, the most effective and HARDEST ERP is doing it with real life situations. You can write out scenarios and sit with the anxiety it causes all you want, but the true moments of ERP are when you are faced with a real life scenario and you feel that jolt of anxiety. For example, I had been doing intentional ERP exercises for several weeks and making progress. One day, when my partner and I were just watching TV, a character on the show we were watching said “true love just clicks. It doesn’t feel complicated or scary”. I immediately felt like I was going to throw up. I felt 10/10 anxiety and that I had to break up right then. I remember thinking that I had been working so hard then why do I still feel this anxiety? But in that moment, I took a step back and said to myself “yup. Maybe that’s true. Maybe not. Maybe I’m in not in love. Maybe I am” and then I continued watching the show. The anxiety stayed for a long, long time. But I did everything in my power to not give in and talk about it as I always did with my partner. Or start ruminating. I let it sit there and I let myself feel the anxiety. It sucked, ALOT. But over time as I did that over and over and over again with every real life situation, I got better at it. I got better at leaving the thought alone. I got better at not seeking reassurance, ruminating, googling, confessing, checking, comparing. Fast forward three years, I just got married 2 weeks ago to the same guy! The guy who I was convinced wasn’t the one. Did I ever “figure out” the answer to whether he WAS the one? Nope. And I’ll probably never know because there is literally no way to know that for sure. Did I get my answers to all the other million intrusive thoughts? Nope. Do I still have days with those thoughts? Yep, but they don’t bother me as much. Learning to manage my ROCD has been the most difficult thing I’ve done in my life and this is coming from someone who went to medical school and pronounces people dead very frequently. But I’m here to tell you that you can get through it. It is hard as hell, but it’s doable. I promise you that I felt every emotion, physical sensation and had every thought you may have had. But you can do it. I really didn’t think I would ever get out of it, but I did. And I’m so proud of myself for it. I will never know if my husband is “the one” based on some unknown number of factors, but he is the one that I choose for me. Today, our relationship is much stronger and deeper than it would have been had we not dealt with ROCD together. This experience has been so difficult, but ultimately I’m grateful for it as it has opened me up to a love I didn’t know could exist. To anyone who may need help/support, feel free to message me. I am in no way a therapist and cannot provide what those employed by NOCD do, but can definitely provide support and compassion. You are not alone. Please get help from a trained OCD specialist. OCD does not have to be a life sentence.

I just wanted to share a bit of my story as hope for those of you still in a dark place. Back in February, I began sinking into a depression. I couldn't pinpoint why, but life didn't seem to be as enjoyable as it used to be. My interests felt, well, less interesting, and everything grew grey. The strange part is, I had everything someone could want in life: a good job, a loving girlfriend, and plenty of friends and family. I was in a far luckier position than so many others, and yet I couldn't find my footing. I decided to get back into meditating. At first it was great, as it gave me some temporary relief from my suffering. However, I quickly became obsessed with the theory and philosophy behind many of the "non-dual" traditions. Before I knew it, I was having intense panic attacks and dissociation surrounding my identity, consciousness, and overall existence. Thinking itself felt unnatural, and it seemed as if I had seen through some great illusion of selfhood that I would never be able to "unsee." Furthermore, I became obsessed with the concept of free will and if we could ever truly have it in a deterministic universe. I compulsively researched and ruminated over these issues, trying to find answers to questions which were ultimately unanswerable. In April, I was formally diagnosed with OCD. I had never heard of the disorder outside of people using it to describe those who clean a lot or keep organized spaces. In some ways it was relieving; in other ways it was terrifying. Was it really OCD? How did this happen? How can I beat it? Will ERP work for me? What if it doesn't? I was terrified I was going insane. Quite frankly, it felt like I was, and this only spiraled me more. I was desperate to fix my issues, and the more desperate I grew the worse I got. It felt like I was drowning in confusion and doubt, unable to get a single moment's reprieve from the suffering. In May, I started I-CBT therapy. It is a somewhat new but proven method for helping OCD, but it didn't end up doing much for me. After two months, I switched to NOCD, where I found my current therapist and began working with the more classic approach of ERP. Because my compulsions were mental in nature, we began by scripting my worst fears. I would write and record these scripts, listening to them on the daily in different scenarios. Sometimes in the shower, sometimes driving to work, sometimes before bed. The most important part was desensitizing myself to the anxiety these scripts brought up. I often times listened to up to 2-3 hours worth of scripts per day. It wasn't quick and it wasn't easy, but slowly over time I noticed the scripts that used to evoke the most fear in me began to lose their strength. As my original fears lowered, new ones popped up, and I had to stay on top of updating my scripts and staying one-step ahead of my OCD, so to speak. I also had to be mindful that I wasn't using my scripting as a new form of compulsion to "fix" myself. This is a very fuzzy and tough line to follow, but important to keep in mind on your own journey. The key is not to cling to any one technique or approach as a silver bullet. Understand that this process and the things that help it are not linear. Now, at the of August, I can confidently say that I stand in a position I thought entirely impossible 6 months ago. There were so many days and weeks over these months that felt downright unbearable, as if I would slip into some inescapable abyss for eternity. To be completely honest, I still fear this possibility--that all of this progress is fake and the rug will be pulled out from under me at any moment. But the difference between now and then is that I can acknowledge this fear without it consuming my every moment. I can feel the sinking it causes in my stomach and continue on with whatever I was doing or need to do, whether that be answering emails, eating lunch, or petting my cats. And I think this is the most impactful skill I have gained during this entire process: the ability to act despite overwhelming fear and doubt. Which leads me to my final and most important point... DO NOT AVOID. Keep living your life. Go to the store, keep in touch with friends, go to school or work, ESPECIALLY if it all feels fruitless and unimportant. It will always feel safer to isolate, but this is just a feeling, not the truth. Until you teach yourself / brain that it is okay to feel afraid, it will always feel safer to stay in "safe" spaces than expose yourself to a broader world. Whatever you are most scared of, move towards, and continue doing so until you gain the confidence that you can do it anytime you want. Remember, it is NOT about getting rid of the fear, but acting DESPITE it. For better or worse, the only way OUT is THROUGH. Oh and the 67% number just comes from those report thingies you fill out every so often. I hope this helps some of you. Stay strong and never give up. One moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.