It really feels that you, your mind has accepted the fact that you are a lesbian. Sometimes i feel why do i even have to say that i don't know what my sexuality is when i know i am a lesbian. Why am i even saying it's hocd.. When i have these thoughts my brain starts to hurt . I don't think i can ever hang out around with my female friends the way i used to

I went through hOCD when I was in my early 20s, about 12 years ago. It never bothers me now. There is hope! Stay strong!

This is exactly how my ocd works too! I just saw someone attractive in a movie just now and I was sitting there analyzing my feelings and thoughts I had to snap out!!!

I think this too. It’s really bad lately. Hope everyone’s okay x

Enjoy your time here!

@Anz how did you get through it

It's tuff.. The only thing i do the entire day to keep away from all these thoughts is watching bts related videos.. But i know sitting in front of youtube is not doing me any good. I have to sit with my studies

Also i have always been in an all girls school , college and some of my school memories and past makes me question even more. Sometimes i tell this to myself okay i am a lesbian but i still don't want to label my sexuality and am not comfortable with labeling myself and that is when i feel a bit comfortable

Therapy - I actually went to a therapist specializing in LGBTQ issues, and she was very compassionate. After digging into it, i was able to feel in my body that it wasn’t about my sexuality, it was about seeking certainty. I am open to the possibility that I may fall in love with a woman some day, but I believe that’s not likely

Also, meditation - there are lots of meditations out there for intrussive and obsessive thoughts and OCD, in the Insight Timer app, for example

Also 2, exposures. I actually made a dating profile and went out on dates with a couple girls. I learned from that that I wasn’t more attracted to them than guys and also going out with them was ok. I kissed one and it wasn’t a big deal - it felt like kissing a guy I didn’t like.

Again, today it’s not like I have certainty, but I’m ok with it. I didn’t stop living my life. Through therapy, I learned to stop believing all the thoughts in my brain and meditation helps me return to the present experience and let the feelings flow. Therapy was really helpful. My OCD journey is not over - I now am working through rOCD, but I know it’s workable and that I can get through it.

The only thing that i can practice is meditation. Here in a reserved indian society i don't think i can just go out and date and i don't know if it's hocd as i don't think i like kissing boys but the thing is i know it's personal but i do like fantasizing about guys. It's just the kissing part that may be i don't like and i don't know why

Can you maybe get therapy through one of the therapy apps?

That way the therapist can help you figure out exposures that will be helpful to you in your context! By the way, I’m going to India in 2 weeks for my first time :)

Oh welcome! Can i ask you is it normal to be straight and not like kissing guys? I have always fantasized about guys as i said except for the kissing part. And after i started having these doubts about me being a lesbian i tried fantasizing about girls but all i do is become anxious. I just want to return to how i was. I used to hang out with my female friends but now i will become anxious around them Btw which city are you visiting

The idea of normal was introduced in society with the Industrial Revolution when people worked as cigs in factory machines. OCD LOVES the concept of normal! No one is normal. If you can believe it, there are straight people that don’t like to be touched at all

The ideas of the romantic spectrum and sexuality spectrum really helped me - like, there are asexual people, aromantic people...

as for India, I’m going to Delhi, Rishikesh, Dharmsala, and Amritsar (sorry about misspellings!)

*cogs I’m Factory machines, not cigs

Here is what WORKED for me: -Think of ur mind as a second person, as person who always with u, its not u but another person. -This way u know that ur mind is seperate from u. -Now just observe all the thoughts & emotions thrown at u by ur mind(the second person). -Do not fight or react, only observe, acknowledge and let the thoughts stay. -Now you can see that this person(ur mind) is mostly talking rubbish. - Then u can process the useful thoughts & ignore the useless thoughts.

Anz you kissed a girl and felt like you kissed a guy you didn't like. Before going out with girls did you not ever feel this fear of getting butterflies if you kiss a girl and not feeling anything if you kiss a guy..

Yup I did have that fear

Don’t compare yourself to me though - comparison is OCD

Hmm. Thanks.. Today as i was going through a video.. The girl in the video had her hairs done to one side and that was so soft and attractive . I thought that to myself that when girls slide their hairs to one side it's attractive. I imagined my best friend doing it and felt attracted.. Since then i cannot stop thinking about it even when i am appreciating a guy. It's not going out of my head

Sounds like you’re obsessing about something and posting on here as a compulsion to get relief

It is also making me feel what if i had this kind of attraction even before hocd because sometimes it does feel that i had these attractions towards girls even before all these hocd started

Ah right! Bt i can't help. It's like i want answers and proofs and assurance. It's hard to move on from these thoughts.

The best thing you can do for your recovery is to resist the seeking for answers, proofs and reassurance. Sit with the feelings, they’re uncomfortable, but they pass! Then you’re training your brain to know you’re safe, and you’re not being bullied by it to do compulsions

Okay will try! Thanks!!

You’re welcome! You can do it, we all believe in you!