Ocd

I am doing ERP by my own because I can’t afford therapy. I exposed myself to babies photos online, changing diapers videos, baby genitalia . All was done with google . I honestly feel like I am predator by viewing these photos even though they are just babies. I seen also a picture on research article of a female patient she is a minor and they have done sexual abuse check on her . The image was so triggering, it was literally a vagina. ℹ developed lots if obsessions with increased groinal responses. And now I fear that I enjoyed all what I have seen.

i swear I’m either schizophrenic or my ocd is just THIS bad. my phone has been acting weird, like my screen turns black and then it’ll turn back on to where i was (i guess it freezes?) when that happens i immediately panic. my head tells me that my phone is acting like that because im being watched and the police will show up to my house. i had a lot of screenshots on my phone from social media, it was like outfit ideas (outfits on other people, influencers) I went through and deleted all those photos, i feel like they looked bad/suspicious.

I was watching porn years ago and i have intrusive associative thoughts. Ocd says the person in the videi resembles my relative or my wifes. I had this intrysive thoughts and then ocd says since it reminded me of her relatives what if i was arousing over them. Im nit attracted to them and its ego dystonic. Ocd says if i dud thats betrayal to my spouse. Ive confessed about this so many times and did last night. Then this morning ocd says i didbt confess last night when i did ir kt wasnt good enough or thus detail means i couldve or i need to confess this detail. I was doing fibe this year snd this intrusive memiry and what if just hit me yesterday and ive been ruminating abd feeling guikt and unworthy of my spouse. Please help