Celebrate

All my real events are hitting me all at once and i genuinely despise my existence right now... i feel so alone and genuinely horrible and nothing is working for me right now... im trying to not ask for reassurance but its so dang tough and i dont know what to do... please someone help me... i feel so so so so so alone right now...

I’m really depressed and lately life has been really really bad. Everyday, it’s like something horrible happens and my mind tries to make me forget it. My family life isn’t that great and everything is super tough for me. It’s like when I get better I go like a million steps back. I ended up doing something bad today:ended up becoming aggressive to myself and caused some ouchies) it hurt a lot and right now I’m really stressed and have been for a while. My mental well being has been extremely bad these days. I have obsessive compulsive disorder but for me it’s decently strong so it’s hard to contain, Complex-trauma, depression, and possibly ADHD. It’s an awful mix. My life is a living hell everyday. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep lying to myself to Myself that I’m getting better when in reality I’m in so much pain, it’s like I’m barely doing anything at all. Please, help, I’ve been acting not like myself. I want to live, even though it’s extremely difficult too and I rather much not be here, but people are counting on me and I don’t want to fail them. How can I convince myself to stay a little longer when I am fully burnt out from trying to get better? I’m in so much pain. I don’t know how to even deal with it. I’m so lost, I might lose it more, and I’m scared for myself. I feel like I don’t even deserve help. I’m so mentally unwell I can’t even think correctly. I hate everything and just want to sleep forever and ever. I’m so numb to it all. I don’t feel anything anymore.

I’ve been in a really difficult situation recently and this weekend I’ve been looking forward to for ages. I had a concert and then nights out planned with my cousins. But I’m a tad bit older than them and they’re a lot closer in ages, as are all their friends from uni, so I’m kinda just stuck here with nothing to do. They’re off flirting with people their age and dancing and I’m getting no attraction or even attention (not in an attention seeking kinda way just an I’m lonely kinda way). At the concert they left my 5 or 6 times to go to the toilet and get drinks, when I went to the toilet I went alone. I was left alone to the point people around started to notice and I had one guy say “left alone are you? You need to get better friends” I just feel very left out. I’m a lot older than them and I know I have to keep a mature head but I’ve already fallen into a pit of depression recently and very very low self esteem to the point I barely wanna go out in public, that I’m now sat here all anxious and in a really bad mood. I don’t even know exactly why or when it changed but last night I just snapped. My sister was off meeting new people, my cousin was dancing with creepy men, a guy I found attractive was more interested in my cousin, she started dancing all provocative on him and I was just kinda there. I then had people asking me if I was neurodivergent and bisexual which just sent my ocd spiralling and nobody quite understands how horrible it is to be in my head. There was this lovely guy saying how amazing stunning and beautiful I was but it kinda just made me go “you’re saying that because you feel bad for me, because you know they’re getting all the attention and I’m this ugly duff person on the side”, it’s insanely exhausting. I’m tired of it now. I don’t wanna be in a mood anymore but I can’t seem to shift it, I’m stuck