Struggling with shameful thoughts and fear of being judged by God.

Fear of Gods judgment

How do I even talk about this to ANYONE, I feel so shameful especially because why do the most horrendous images or saying pop up in my head. Just because of incident that happened @ a young age between my cousin and I, I keep telling myself I’m a P and I can’t get close to the little kids especially the ones I know because it starts attacking them. I keep fearing gods judgment like these are sinister thoughts, i NEVER wanted. I feel like this is going to follow me through death and I’ll be punished.

Username: regretfulrainregretfulrain

Date posted: 24w ago

Have you considered finding an OCD therapist that also focuses on faith based intrusive thoughts?

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 24w ago

@regretfulrain I had been looking around my area but had no luck, so I’m currently searching for a virtual therapist that does go based on that.

Username: regretfulrainregretfulrain

Date posted: 24w ago

@Anonymous I recommend using psychologytoday since i know it has filters for faith based therapy

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 24w ago

@regretfulrain I will be looking into it, thank you !!

Username: regretfulrainregretfulrain

Date posted: 24w ago

@Anonymous No problem! Best of luck to you.

Username: Tea and HoneyTea and Honey

Date posted: 24w ago

Have you tried NOCD? The therapists are all online, and they take a lot of insurance. They teach ERP therapy, which might be the most important thing you can master with regard to recovering from OCD. Have you heard of ERP therapy? It is basically considered the gold standard of OCD treatment. One of the main tenants of ERP is that the intrusive thoughts in our heads should not be engaged at all. (This is because they are not actually dangerous, and they don’t mean anything.) When I did therapy at NOCD, I was taught to imagine a tree by a river, and the leaves fall off the tree and flow down the river. We can notice the leaves, but we don’t try to stop them. We let them flow by. The leaves are the intrusive thoughts. We just let them flow through our minds without trying to stop them or fight them off. This is a skill we must use with our intrusive thoughts. By definition, intrusive thoughts are unwanted. They take all sorts of different themes, but they are always disturbing and scary. They can be violent or sexual or whatever. It doesn’t matter what they are. They are all just OCD. We have to learn to let them flow through our minds without trying to fix them (which is a compulsion). The truth is THE THOUGHTS DON’T MEAN ANYTHING. It doesn’t matter if they are in your mind or not. They can be there if they want to be. Don’t try to fix them. God is not going to judge you for thoughts. This is because the thoughts don’t matter. I understand what your are saying. I have had religious OCD for years and years. I used to worry about going to hell because of the thoughts also. I thought I was the only one with horrible, blasphemous thoughts in my head about God. I learned later that almost every Christian with OCD experiences blasphemous thoughts about God. It’s a common theme. The P OCD is common within the OCD community too. What you are experiencing is just the intrusive thoughts of OCD. This does NOT make you a bad person. It’s just OCD. I have been on a healing journey with God for many years now. One of the biggest steps I had to take was to let the thoughts run in my head because they ARE NOT ACTUALLY DANGEROUS or blasphemous. They just don’t mean anything. Until I learned that, I lived fear of the thoughts. If you get a good therapist trained in ERP therapy, they can help you navigate all this. Big hugs :)feel free to message if you want to talk more also :):)

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 24w ago

@Tea and Honey Thank you so much!! And yes I’m currently on a waitlist. But I’m so glad I made an account because hearing everybody’s stories brings so much peace to me, realizing that I’m not alone. It affected me tremendously because I had dealt with severe anxiety my whole life and I finally had the courage to do things I was always afraid to do. Backstory: I got pregnant at 16 dropped out of school due to anxiety it spiraled more since then because I was a SAHM and I was ashamed that I had nothing going on for myself or my child, so I hid myself for years. I wanted to be “normal “. So this year I finally had the courage to not be scared to go get my drivers license at 23, spend more time out socially without fearing anything, reviving my faith with god and actually attending church, and planned on going back to school to get my GED and further my education. Everything was finally going well, until just as little as 2 weeks everything went down hill because of ocd I’m talking EVERYTHING, my relationship with my partner/ family, I kept hiding from my child cause she kept seeing me cry ( thankful for my mom cause she was taking care of her ) Didn’t register for school, stopped attending church, etc…. And sunk myself into into this deep black hole of just guilt and fear because I kept believing I was this evil person. I lost control over my thoughts.

Username: Tea and HoneyTea and Honey

Date posted: 24w ago

@Anonymous I hear you. OCD is debilitating. It wants to to steal away everything from your life. There is hope though!! You can conquer it. The first step is recognizing what is going on. Recognizing what OCD is and what it does. You are experiencing OCD, just like the rest of us, and that DOES NOT mean you are a bad person at all. And you don’t have to control your thoughts. That is the secret. You will learn to let your thoughts rattle around like a storm—but continue to live your life. It’s okay if those thoughts are there. Don’t try to fix them. Don’t try to fight them off. They are just OCD, and they can’t hurt you. I hear your pain. It is the story of OCD. Recently some movies have come out about OCD too. This is what OCD does to us. But once you learn some foundational tenants of ERP therapy, I think you will feel a lot better!!

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 24w ago

why would you be punished for something you didn't control or ask for? you would instead be rewarded for counteracting these thoughts that you can't control by being a good human being and for not wanting them innthe first place. every human has flaws and rejecting the flaws to turn yourself into a better person is what anyone would be rewarded for. it makes sense that you have past trauma that triggers these thoughts but you will not receive karma for having a disease u never asked for (ocd).

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 24w ago

@Anonymous i'mmnot saying your thoughts are flaws but i meant in a general sense that everyone has some internal demons nobody is born perfect they just do their best with their external control

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 24w ago

@Anonymous You don’t know how much this helped me, thank you !

Username: figuringital...

Date posted: 5y ago

Ok so I’ve been kind of upset about this all day so I figured I would share this. I’m really nervous doing it because I don’t want to get judged for it. I feel so guilty about it all the time. So a couple of years ago I was babysitting a family friends kid, and they were crawling all over me, jumping up and down, and I wound up having a groinal response (I really don’t wanna say the kind.) I kind of put it in the back of my mind and forgot about it, but around last year I remembered and latched onto it and it threw me into my OCD spiral. I remembered this happened maybe two other times before that, and of course I felt weird and guilty by it. I didn’t experience any sexual arousal, yet this happened to me. I always had sexually intrusive thoughts ever since I was a little kid, so perhaps I was just having a groinal response to when that was happening because I was thinking “omg what if...” or whatever, but of course I can’t remember my thoughts. Now I know what a groinal response is and that they come in all shapes and sizes (lol) but because this happened *before* I realized I had POCD, my brain has convinced me that it was some kind of genuine attraction and that I wanted to do something bad

Username: fababean

Date posted: 5y ago

I am afraid to be around children because of the horrendous things I think of while being near them. I do not want to hurt children. My intrusive thoughts about pedophilia and abuse attack me. I only have 1 memory of me being sexually abused when I was around 5. A cousin, who was about 12 did it to me and my other female cousin. I do not have another memory of it happening, so I do not know if it did. Sometimes I feel ashamed to even mention it because I know others have been abused far often than I. Like it doesn’t count. I don’t know... anyway, after I realized this memory was not just another sick intrusive thought, that it actually happened, I have been weary of being near children. I believe because I have been through sexual abuse as a child that I too am capable of committing that crime.

POCD

Username: bloominglotus

Date posted: 1y ago

Guilt

I got into porn around 14 or 15 I can’t remember, and I came across something really bad on accident. I don’t know if I knew how bad it was. It was literally on instagram. I have no idea why or how that was on there. But I ended up looking it up when I was 16 again and I touched myself to it. I am appalled and ashamed. I don’t know why I did it and I can’t get over the fact that I did. What was I thinking? I don’t understand how I could have done that and it doesn’t even feel like me because I can’t Imagine doing that now. But that doesn’t change the fact that I did. I just want help. Im scared to get help, I feel like I deserve to go to jail. I just want to get help and be a good person. I don’t want to do harm. I genuinely just want help. Im scared but I refuse to feel like I’m getting away with something awful so I want to tell a professional. It’s eating me alive. I can’t sleep or do anything without thinking about it. It runs my life. I can’t live with it and I can’t live this way feeling like a monster. I feel like I’m going to end myself one day. I feel like I’m lying about who I am to my family and I don’t want anyone to do anything nice for me. They think I’m a good person and I’m not. I wish I was. I feel like I’ve ruined myself and betrayed everyone. I feel so guilty and I feel sad. I don’t want to think about what my family would think. I feel like a lost cause.

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Struggling with shameful thoughts and fear of being judged by God.

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