Being mean to siblings

I can’t help but slightly blame my family for my lack of mental health. I have a mother that is a good person but cares so much about appearances that I now have anxiety over any imperfections. My dad yelled at me and my brother so much that my first reaction to anything is anger. And my dad literally always talks about how amazing my brother is. I was telling him how my boyfriend helped me out a lot by teaching me how to study and he then proceeded to name how much smarter my brother is. None of this pertains to OCD necessarily but it caused me to spiral. Usually that means cleaning but my house is cleaning so I’m just obsessing over how literally everyone but my mother thinks my brother is better. I love him very much. But part of me thinks that if he wasn’t here, my life would be better. My Pure O is more of the problem than OCD. There are no compulsions. Just obsessed with the idea that my brother will always be better than me. No matter what. It’s stupid but I just want to be a priority to someone other than my boyfriend or Jesus. I want someone in my family to understand my struggle with various mental illnesses and with always coming in second to my brother.

I wanna cry, when I was a kid,like a toddler. 4-6 maybe. I used to do horrible things to my cat, I choked it twice.my bdother did too if I remember right, but still. Ik this isn’t false memory. I’m 100% sure I ddi this as a kid. But now looking back at it I’m like wtf??? But I’m scared because whenever I see animals hurt now or accidentally hurt my animal that thing pops up in my head again and I feel weird. I can’t explain the feeling but it bothers me so bad. I want to cry. I don’t like this, i rlly feel like I’m a bad person. Idek if this is ocd. What if I genuinely have mental problems???

Hi this is my first time posting but I’ve been struggling lately with myself because of my ocd. Has anyone ever realized they hold a lot of resentment towards others because their life isn’t controlled by ocd? For me, I’ve recently realized I have resentment towards my siblings because they live completely normal lives (i.e. dating, friendships, work) but I struggle just to be alive some days because my ocd holds me back. I feel so incredibly guilty about it all because I find myself being jealous over their happiness when I don’t think I’ve ever even been happy. I’m not sure what to do about this and it’s affecting my relationship with my family because I’ve started distancing myself from them due to the overwhelming negative feelings.