I hate hate hate thissssssss

I hate ocd! Right now it is draining every piece of energy or happiness I have. I’ve been struggling for so long and feeling like the worst person ever forever. I’m falling into a depression, I’m hardly functioning, can’t sleep, can’t eat. Thoughts constantly in my head that maybe I don’t have ocd or that even if I do, it doesn’t matter. I want to live so badly for the people in my life that love me but in the past week from feeling this way I’ve lost over 10 pounds. I live in a really remote area and I feel like don’t have treatment options unless I move. It’s just so exhausting and I don’t know what to do anymore.

lately i’ve just been so angry at anyone who doesn’t suffer from ocd. like i know it’s not their fault but i’m just so angry and jealous they don’t have to deal with this. i get mad when i see them do something as simple as sitting at the kitchen table without thinking about it when i could never in a million years do that because of my contamination ocd. i’m angry and jealous and i know i shouldn’t but i keep blowing up at people because of it. i know everyone has their issues but all i can think about is how much easier they have it because at least they aren’t like me. i’m just so jealous of everyone who doesn’t have to live like this. and i’m mad at myself for having ocd in the first place. it’s all so exhausting and i hate it.

It’s so weird how OCD just comes about with no explanation, out of nowhere. My issue has been feelings. I have moments of hyper focusing on feelings, trying to figure them out, and it’s exhausting. Logically, I know that what I’m going through with the things happening in my life (relationship ending that was abusive, my father just getting diagnosed with dementia, etc) would make anyone feel the way I do. But I keep trying to fight my feelings. “Normally, old me” would embrace them and let them be. Ever since my OCD returned, I can’t help but fixate on them and stress even more. It’s almost like my emotions and the way we are as humans in my mind has become even more of a problem than the problems themselves. Can anyone relate? I am doing my best with ERP. I definitely helps. But I’m still waking up not feeling like myself and it hurts.