Am I an abuser??

This may make someone uncomfortable. My brother and I have shared a room and bed for our whole lives. I’m a girl by the way. When I was 10 and he was 8, I very slightly pulled down his diaper to smell his fart when he was asleep. For some reason, I liked the smell of farts at that age and I don’t anymore. I’m really scared that I abused him. I told him about this and he doesn’t care and he said it’s not a big deal since we were young. But the guilt is eating me alive. I feel like I sexually abused my own brother. Just to be clear, I’m not attracted to him AT ALL. I never have been. The reason I’m so guilty is because he was asleep. And I don’t remember if I had done it for arousal or not. But if I did, then it would be sexual abuse. I would never ever do anything like this today. I looked it up on AI and it said that this was sexual abuse. I’m terrified. I’ve never ever had thoughts of abusing him and I’m scared that this could possibly be abuse. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep because I feel like I abused my own brother. I’ve had crippling anxiety all day and I’ve had several panic attacks. Please help me. And also please be honest. Am I an abuser?

Username: kakeyboo18kakeyboo18

Date posted: 28w ago

if a random kid came to you with a story similarly would you tell them they are a sexual abuser? i doubt you would. just think of ten year old you as a whole other person bc it’s not you anymore. I have done weird stuff as a kid too, and it’s normal to be weird. kids are sometimes gross and weird but that’s just how they learn. you are fine.

Username: Panicattack45Panicattack45

Date posted: 28w ago

@kakeyboo18 Yea you’re absolutely right. I need to be kinder to myself. That was stuff I did as a CHILD. And I didn’t hurt anyone

Username: ivrecivrec

Date posted: 28w ago

Your guilt is coming from OCD which likes to keep you questioning and accusing your self. Kids are curious and do weird things. Your brother is fine so stop beating yourself up.

Username: Panicattack45Panicattack45

Date posted: 28w ago

@ivrec You’re right. I did weird things as a kid but that doesn’t define me now.

Username: Brooke cookieBrooke cookie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 28w ago

This is your OCD trying to blow it up into a bigger thing that it was it was just you being a dumb kid that wanted to smell farts. It had nothing to do with sexual abuse and you even told your brother and he wasn’t upset about it. Please do not let your OCD take over and make you have an absolute panic attack about an event making it a bigger deal than it was. I’ve done that myself you’re just causing yourself distress. I am sure your brother is fine and loves you. Please try not to let your OCD scare by into making an event a bigger issue than it was. Your brother probably would be more upset to know that you were not able to eat or sleep and have terrible anxiety for at least over a day versus what happened. Your brother loves you and he probably does not want you to have feel this way. Also, AL is not the best way to ask as it doesn’t know how OCD disorders and mental health disorders work. Please try to work on letting this go and not feel grief about this anymore. This is just OCD. I’m sorry that OCD tries to make people feel like a horrible monster and blow events out of portion. It truly is upsetting and it truly makes you feel horrible all the time.

Username: Panicattack45Panicattack45

Date posted: 28w ago

@Brooke cookie You’re totally right. Thank you so much for this!! I can finally try to move on now because my mind truly convinced me that I was a bad person. You don’t understand how helpful this is

Username: Panicattack45Panicattack45

Date posted: 28w ago

@Panicattack45 I think what’s been causing me stress is not remembering if i had done it for arousal or not. Because at that point, it would be sexual abuse? It really scares me.

Username: Panicattack45Panicattack45

Date posted: 28w ago

@Panicattack45 When i had looked it up on ai (which i know I shouldn’t be doing), it said that it’s considered child-on-child sexual abuse? That scared honestly scared the life out of me. I don’t know if I was aroused from it or not.

Username: Panicattack45Panicattack45

Date posted: 28w ago

@Panicattack45 Also I did NOT touch his private parts. I never have. I only pulled his diaper down because I wanted to smell it

Username: Brooke cookieBrooke cookie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 28w ago

@Panicattack45 I’ve had similar experiences with my OCD. I’m sorry OCD really makes life frustrating sometimes.

Username: rosepetaltearsrosepetaltears

Date posted: 14w ago

@Panicattack45 Dude I relate to this SOOO much . You did not touch him anywhere inappropriate but the behavior might’ve been inappropriate, but nobody was harmed and you weren’t doing it to be harmful. Arousal happens a lot and it’s apart of life and hormones. You might’ve been doing it just for the feeling, not for like sexual stuff and etc. instead of worrying about the possible crimes you’ve done, it’s best to reflect on this as a lesson learnt and our understanding of things change overtime.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 4y ago

Hi guys, I know this question may sound weird, and I apologise if it so or if you find it offensive in any way, but is anyone here with POCD who lives with their children or younger siblings and struggles a lot, especially if you are really close to each other, and often quite affectionate as well? I live with a younger brother, he's 8 years old, and he is really bonded to me. Because of that he really loves to be affectionate with me every single day. Well, I don't mind that, I find that really sweet, and because I always wanted a sibling I appreciate that he likes spending time with me and that he sees me as a caring sister (well, not always but you know what I mean). Due to my POCD I'm rarely enjoying the moments I spent with him. Honestly, I spend more time analysing my thoughts and sensations, or if I have any urge to harm him in any way, than having fun. The current problem I'm dealing with is that I think I've abused him. I know it's sounds terrifying, and there is a part of me that doesn't want to agree with this statement, but there were moments, including one yesterday, when I impulsively kissed him after having a combination between thoughts, feelings and sensations. I don't know why I keep doing it. I really don't want to harm my brother (or any other child!). But weird moments like this happen, and I'm tired of them. I feel like a true monster and I don't know how to move on. I've never seen people having this issue, so this probably means I'm evil and an abuser. I really want to go to the police and confess, I have this immense urge to do so. I'm really sorry if you find this post disturbing. I promise that's not my intention.

POCD

Username: Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 43w ago

Terrified I might've SA'd someone

I'm freaking out because I saw a tiktok on cocsa and now I'm afraid I did it when I was super little. I had to be like 6 or so but I can't remember, i just remember being little, not even 10 yet i dont think. I remember i was with my younger brother and my dad and we were all playing hide and seek in a hotel. And then me and my younger brother were hiding in the bathroom. I remember us giggling and then I remember making him lift his shirt? Or us taking turns lifting our shirts? Then im not sure if we showed each other our genitalia or not, or if his pants were down. I genuienly cant remember but i think we did (me and a friend in lile 1st grade got in trouble for doing that once, so i wouldnt put it past me and i keep getting a vague memory of it so maybe we did). Then i remember kissing his stomach before my dad was like 'what are you guys doing?'. And we both just laughed and left the bathroom. When I was really young, I was exposed to porn and it messed up my brain. I dont think it was innocent even though I didn't understand like what I was doing because I was really little. Hes from my dads side (who i dont talk to anymore) so i havent seen or spoke to him in years. I weve gotten along before we stopped talking though, but still. What if I traumatized him?? What of I did cocsa or intended to/almost did?? What if he doesn't remember now but will remember later and be traumatized??

Username: lily_07

Date posted: 36w ago

panicking

TW !!!!! i’m so scared right now and i just want someone to relate because i feel like an awful awful person, this is an event hat happned when i was 5 or 6 i don’t really know how old i was but i was a young child and with another child who was 2 or 3 years younger than me i can’t really remember the age gap but that’s what terrified me because im scared i did COCSA. ( child on child sexual assault) i feel awful and i have this recurring thought “what if i took advantage of him” and it wont stop. i remember i said to him do you want to see what sex is like and i said but keep your clothes on and he said okay and i want doing it for sexual pleasure because i dont think i really understood or knew what it was but i kept my clothes on and he took all his clothes off when i didn’t want him to (including his underwear)and he got on top of me and was moving and i remember feeling really uncomfortable so i stopped it and i know this might be tmi but i just need to know if i abused him or not because i cant stand the thought, im really struggling and i don’t think there was any evil intent behind what happened but i keep having the recurring thought “what if i took advantage of him” i don’t know what to do i feel like i should turn myself in to the police i feel dreadful

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