You know what !!!

So today I told ocd to eff off, that I was tired of the lies, doubt, feelings that it gives me. I put my foot down telling it I don't care about anything that has to do with my ocd theme I don't care what you throw at me. It's all irrelevant and it doesn't matter. I don't care how real it seems it only seems real because of the attention and feelings of fear that I give it. I broke the chains of this ball and chain and I am free. Battered and bruised,, but I am free. Don't give up pepole keep on fighting find something that matters to you to hold on too. To give you the strength to keep fighting. Mine was the very thing ocd attacked and that was my son. Fight pepole fight. Much love and encouragement from my behalf to all you warriors!!!!!

I get exhausted dealing with gross thoughts. I don’t want them, they can interrupt me in prayer or at inconvenient times. I know they’re nonsense and try to block them out with an image. I find myself saying a quick prayer for forgiveness. If I don’t do it I will get restless. I often obsess if a coworker approves of me or not. I used to triple check things A LOT. Also asking reassuring questions has become less frequent, but I have to fight it in my mind. I feel as if my brain has Tourette’s. Often my biggest relief is just becoming aggressively careless “screw it!” Lol

I feel like my compulsions are taking over my life. Every freaking night i spend so much of my time doing and redoing all my actions from walking up the stairs to crossing a certain part of my room to getting it o to bed. i close my bedroom door like 9 times until it “feels right” and have to sing songs and focus on bones in my body just so that i don’t have a negative thought so that i don’t have to do it again. I’m so over it. i feel like i waste so much time stressing myself out about my thoughts and not having the thoughts so i do things to combat and distract from the thoughts and i just feel freaking insane. yes my medication is helping and makes be wayyyy better than i was three years ago but it still feel like it’s taking over my life. i cant stand it and i feel like the more i do it the more i’m getting g comfortable with other people seeing me do it which just means i’ll do it more. i just can’t !!! so many thoughts and so many actions and it’s all based on people i love so i feel guilty if i dont do the compulsion. And even when i realize that this is all ridiculous and that’s it’s apart of my OCD, i just get sad because i’m still going through with the compulsions and start thinking about how this is my life and how i’m stuck doing this stuff forever!!