Doubting if this is even ocd (Long Rant btw)

Well I haven’t been diagnosed with ocd, but I have had themes in the past (health, and sexuality, as well as magical thinking) and to be honest if you were to ask me in april-may I would’ve told you that im super confident this is ocd. Now, I just don’t know, I know I shouldn’t be asking here and telling strangers to diagnose me and that I should go see a psychiatrist instead and I will soon enough. These Violent Thoughts have not gone away, only my emotions have. Thankfully I think I can classify the thoughts as intrusive (altough I think I involuntarily bring them up) and not ideation, but this again comes to me feeling numb, I think this is depression, but I just feel like I just don’t care anymore about anything. Just typing that I feel like I don’t care but also makes my stomach feel a little wierd. Recently I feel so off, Brain fog, and constant headaches on the back and top of my head, I don’t know if this is psychosis, dissociation, or a brain tumor. I don’t drink nor do I smoke and I’m glad I don’t but it makes me wonder what is the root of these mental problems I’m currently having. But it’s also bad because when people try to give me supportive words and advice, I cant feel anything when they do. I know that I’m not myself in the moment, and that I desperately need help. I’m sorry for those who have suicidal thoughts or ocd, but I wish my thoughts were more about myself rather then others (again sorry if you’re dealing with this and I hope you recover from these thoughts) and only two of my friends know what I’m going trough, and a few online strangers. I haven’t told my family because the fear of how they’ll view me on my thoughts. I just never thought that I would hit a mental health crisis when I’m about to be 18 going to college. I’m desperately trying to find a job so I could pay for a psychiatrist on my own. I think though I’ll ask my college to see if they have any there. I do want to get better and be normal like other people, but sometimes I wish I was just dead. Sorry for the long rant but this is the truth on how I’m feeling

Ocdsucks56

Date posted: 35w ago

Hi, I am currently in the same boat. I feel numb and tired about these nonstop intrusive thoughts, and I don’t feel joy or even have appetite. I think is it depression and I’ve heard that our brain shuts down trying to protect you from anxiety and so much stress. My harm OCD started around a year ago and a half ago, but had therapy and it eventually got better, I had a really hard time too and then it went away for about a year because I was focus in school/gym/got a new appt w my boyfriend/met new friends. I even started drinking alcohol again because I was feeling amazing like it never happened but then, a TikTok triggered me and it started again like 4 weeks ago and I think this time is worse, because ocd is trying to convince that I’m this bad person and blah blah, I just don’t understand how I was able to manage it after having it and then here I am struggling😪, i even asked to god to give my health to someone that needs it and doesn’t have these thoughts

ElChavodel275

Date posted: 35w ago

@Ocdsucks56 Wow I’m sorry that you are falling in the same pit as me, but you’ve conquered it once! I have no doubt you can do it again! Your story has given me hope that I’ll be able to overcome this and feel normal even if it’s not forever. I also sometimes just feel like the thoughts only disturb me because oh society looks down upon bad people and you’ll go to jail and all that. I don’t want to feel that way though, I want to feel like the thoughts disturb me because they don’t align with my values and that deep down im a good person. Problem is I don’t really know which one it is. I sometimes wish I would die soon and that I would die honorably like protecting someone because, then it would mean I wouldn’t run the risk of hurting nobody and I would leave this world with a good act. I don’t know if erp will work for me however. So im kinda hoping meds will save me

buckaroo

Date posted: 35w ago

I’ve also been feeling this exact same way! I also have not been officially diagnosed with ocd yet, but I tick every box, or at least I did. I used to have very strong physical compulsions, but they have since calmed down. However, my anxiety is at its absolute peak. Not sure if it’s ocd or not. I am constantly both super anxious and super numb at the same time. It’s very strange and frustrating to navigate. Stay strong❤️

FairyWithaKnife

Date posted: 19w ago

I just don't know

I've gotten diagnosed with OCD and I'm in therapy. But I'm worried that I don't have OCD/that I got misdiagnosed. And recently I'm worried that I've just gotten myself into a habit of thinking of dirty minded or just plain old terrible things after I see/hear certain things because I feel like I need to prove I have OCD or else I'm faking(sometimes this goes away). Or that I'm just mimicking symptoms of ocd to cope with real problems I may have and that im just really deep into denial. I don't know...I'm just so tired. I mean, what if I really am what I think I am and this is my brains only way of coping? I don't even really feel anything towards most of the thoughts anymore either I just know they go against my values and I don't want them. I don't know if that's because I'm so mentally exhausted, I just don't care, or that the thoughts are true and I'm comfortable with them.

Anonymous

Date posted: 15w ago

I'm fearing myself and I hate it

I haven't been officially diagnosed with OCD but when I learned more about it, I never related to anything more. A little back story: when I was younger, there were a couple of youth suicides in my area and the schools felt the need to have someone come in and talk about suicide. Well the person they had come in did a horrible job teaching it and basically made it seem like the smallest negative emotion or feeling or change in behavior made you suicidal. This ended up scaring me so much that I got horrid anxiety. Fast forward to now, Everytime I feel anxiety and panic, I fear I'm going to kill myself. Everytime I feel down and depressed, I fear I'll end it all. I'm scared to be around anything sharp because the "What if" I hurt myself comes into my mind. There are always intrusive thoughts at almost every point of the day. And it's not only for me. Everytime I hear someone being negative, I fear they will be suicidal. I know in my heart that none of this is true but it's terrifying me that it's stuck around so much that it makes me scared that maybe it is true. I've had a lot of death in my family in the past year and a half and a lot of other family drama that I'd never had before that is now also bringing up existential intrusive thoughts. And I'd never questioned anything about life before but now I get the "why is life like this?" and "does anything we do matter?" and I hate it. I don't want to think like that. I just want to go through life being able to handle things normally again. It terrifies me even right now going "what if you give up?"

jjtornado

Date posted: 13w ago

My head is so loud.

I have a lot of thoughts about the universe, and they’re overwhelming—like being caught in a rip current, except it’s all inside my head. Most of the time, they’re about how small we are, how there really isn’t a “we” because our bodies aren’t truly ours—we’re just bacteria, cells, and microbes. The thoughts spiral, deeper and deeper, smaller and smaller, coiling until suddenly, I’m pulled under, drowning in a whirlpool. I’ve never felt like this before, and I’m convinced I’ve been faking it somehow. For the past few weeks, my OCD has been worse than it’s ever been in my 20 years of life. Or maybe I’m just more aware of it now. Has anyone else had their OCD suddenly get really bad? Does it ever end—if it even can? I’ve convinced myself that my intrusive thoughts aren’t actually intrusive, that my OCD is a choice, and that everything I do is intentional. As for compulsions, I don’t have the typical “If I don’t do ____ then ____ will happen” kind of thoughts. Instead, my brain simply commands, “Do ____,” and I always give in. It’s so loud in my head, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m an imposter. Like I don’t belong here—like my presence on this app is an intrusion, invalidating everyone else’s struggles just by downloading it and daring to post. If anyone feels that way, if you think I’m intruding, I’m sorry. I only came here because I have no one to share my diagnosis with. Pouring my thoughts out, hoping someone might understand, feels less suffocating than journaling. Journaling is like letting a wound fester—each word burying the thoughts deeper, leaving them to decay in silence, for nobody to ever read but myself.

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Doubting if this is even ocd (Long Rant btw)

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