genuinely dk

Geez, I seem to just be getting worse. I keep thinking what if I’ve been lesbian all my life but never payed attention to it. I mean it feels right to be with a man and have a boyfriend I want that. But why do I keep doubting it I just want this to end. I’ve never been a girly girly. I like cute clothes but I hate how it looks on me I feel so insecure. Same with make up. And I keep thinking maybe that’s evidence I could be lesbian. This all sounds ridiculous but why can’t I just accept the fact that I’m straight. I actually like being with boys and kissing them. I get aroused when I kiss them. So why is this happening?

I feel like a lesbian. I feel bisexual. I feel like that’s what I want. It feels like I like the thoughts. I feel like I have to leave my boyfriend. I don’t want to lose him, but it feels like I need to leave him. I feel sick. I feel like I’m hiding it from myself and using ocd as a coverup. I don’t want to be one of those woman who find out they’re lesbians later than life. I’m afraid of being one of those woman who convince themselves they can be into men when they can’t. What if that’s me? What if I never enjoy sex with my boyfriend? I don’t enjoy it now, because every time I try to enjoy I get thoughts like, “you want him to be a woman. You’re not attracted to him. You’re not attracted to men. You need to leave him for a woman. You would enjoy sex with a woman.” I don’t want that to be true, but it feels like it secretly is. Am I denying my true sexuality? Is me thinking I have ocd just a coverup?? There’s a lot of proof for me being a lesbian that constantly haunts me. For example, I used to watch lesbian porn. But the thing that really bothers me is that I (TMI) masturbated to a picture of two cartoon characters as lesbians, videos of woman twerking, and music videos of woman. I don’t know why I did those things. It makes me feel like I would like having sex with a woman, because I liked seeing their bodies in porn and masturbated to it. I want to be with my boyfriend. I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to lead him on. But I can’t be happy around him, because sometimes he will cause these thoughts and memories to arise. I keep seeing lesbians on tik tok and i feel like I want to be with them. I keep thing about my boyfriend and marrying him, then I get the thought, “you don’t want to be with him, you want a wife when you’re older.” I also don’t want to be homophobic. I’m afraid of that. I’m supportive of the lgbtq community, but it doesn’t feel natural for me. The thought of ME specifically being lesbian or bi doesn’t make sense to me. Or at least didn’t. Now I feel like I want it :(

I don’t want to offend or trigger anyone! I just feel like I need talk about this. if anyone relates to this let me know!! At this point I don’t have a lot of anxiety about my sexuality anymore and it’s kinda scaring me. i really doubt i am a lesbian because i absolutely love my boyfriend, and i don’t find any relativity in the label lesbian. like it’s hard to explain, but i just get a feeling around each label. i feel like i am straight, but like some kind of fluidity. but i feel like bisexuality is so open and fluid that i like could possibly be? i have no idea. i also don’t know if my OCD is making it so i believe that i’m bisexual even though i’ve never questioned it before?? I don’t think i would mind being bisexual, but it’s still a little weird to me. but even then i could not see myself dating women lol. i love men. so maybe i’m bisexual but with a big preference to men? I really find comfort in the fact and idea that i love men and are drawn to men. i am however VERY uncomfortable with the idea of being with a woman. i mean even if my friends who are girls try to hold my hands i get uncomfy and grossed out lol. I DON’T KNOWWWW