Tired

I think I’m at a point where I can no longer be helped. My thoughts seem too convincing, I can’t talk to anyone in my life about them. I feel like I’m going to be stuck with this mindset for the rest of life and I’m just going to continue to get crazier. I’m too afraid to interact with people irl because I’m afraid they’ll notice something is up, or that I’ll get thoughts. Almost my whole life is being consumed by these thoughts, I noticed a lot of things that used to keep track of in my day to day life I’ve completely forgot about. I’m worried if I see a therapist I’ll get misdiagnosed and only get worse. Everytime I try to remind myself of old morals my mind tells me that I was only being brainwashed and that I’m trying to brainwash myself again. It feels like I don’t even want to go back to my old life, it feels like I only want to follow these thoughts and see where they lead me and it sucks that I predicted all of this would happen. That my mind would come up with more unwanted stuff and I’d forget about everything I’ve ever cared about and become lost in confusion. I think I’d rather see someone in person than online, but I’m not sure about the therapists in my area or if they’ve ever even seen anything like what I’m going through. I don’t even know if it’s ocd anymore, but I really wish I could get out of this. It feels like I’m getting worse everyday even though I know it’s just all in my head and I need to let it go and focus on real life but I can’t stop worrying about what’s in my mind and what happening to me and what’s going to happen.

I find myself questioning things I’d never question about my life. I’m thinking I’ve actually been driven to contemplate these dark things because my ocd has pushed me over the edge. So it’s kinda that my intrusive thoughts have come true. It’s not fair! I feel super hopeless, then I get scared that I felt that way then the ocd kicks in and I start contemplating things like “it’s all hopeless I feel I am going to carry out (insert violent thought here).”. I don’t get it guys… I don’t have the money for therapy right now so crisis chats and this is my best option. I’ll definitely say ocd and my poor sleep bug habit are what has pushed me to these depths. What I don’t get though is I’m not inherently violent, I thought I was always a hopeful person on the inside, I don’t have depression. That and I love my family, I don’t want harm to come to them but the moment I get the hopelessness it makes me question wether or not it’s worth it. I’m living my worst nightmare. By the way I’m not dangerous, I don’t have any deficits in empathy what’s wrong with me. I’m in denial, I can’t believe I’m capable of genuinely thinking these things. Oh and then I have this suicidal spiral. I’ve had suicidal ocd but now I think it’s also partially true since I’ve been in such a dark spot. I know they say that if you’re not comforted by the idea of sleeping forever it prolly means it’s just ocd and well let me say it’s not comforting. Back to back I’m like “do I want to kill myself? Am I feeling that? Will I do it?” And I feel so hopeless that the thought comes in but no I DONT WANT IT. So it’s like half ocd and half my mental distress. But lord no I don’t want it and I don’t want to live in a reality where I contemplate it. Someone just help me… Why are my emotions so intense I question these things? Ocd is involved I know but I’m telling you this hopelessness had made me contemplate things that ocd wouldn’t typically do. I don’t have personality disorders or any other mental illness. HELP ME!

I don't think it's ocd anymore. I'm convinced that I'm going to hell and there's nothing I can do. I don't want to i want to go to heaven. these thoughts are killing me. I can't do this anymore.