My story! Please give advice

Hey everyone. Long post, but just want some advice. I’ve had suicidal ocd, with some relationship & existential on the side lol, for about a year and a half. My suicidal ocd is pretty severe. I did a small amount of erp for a month or two, but then took a break. Last week I started an IOP program. I also take 10 mg of Prozac, and have for about 5 weeks. The first week of IOP was great. This week I have went downhill and feel like my ‘old ocd self’ again meaning heavily ruminating and seeking reassurance. My exposure today was standing near train tracks. It made me sad, and scared. I didn’t want to do it. I keep ruminating. I am absolutely terrified I will not get better. I’m scared I will get depressed and think life is not worth it. Thoughts constantly run through my head. I want to be here so bad, but I’m scared I am going to give up. I constantly worry I won’t be “happy” long term and I won’t recover. Can anyone give me some hope? I am scared I’m a lost caus. Any recovery stories? I’ve never had depression and I’m feeling a bit worried about myself from feeling tired and sad. I don’t know many people with suicidal ocd- I just want to know I can recover. Thanks for reading!

Username: djfloriodjflorio

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17w ago

Yes you can certainly recover. This was an extreme fear of mine for a while, and it no longer is. I'll tell you one thing, I didn't get past this fear because I finally convinced myself that I wasn't going to kill myself. I got past it by making friends with uncertainty. Will I ever do it? Maybe, maybe not. The fact is, there's no way to know for sure. Mental well-being is influenced by countless factors that are all subject to change. Trying to gain certainty for something like that is literally impossible. This will sound cliche, but meditation and mindfulness were also major factors in my recovery. Intrusive thoughts try to bring you into the past or future. Mindfulness brings you into the present. It's about being aware of what is happening right here, right now. The good and the bad. So yes I could end up dying by suicide. I could also get hit by a car, have a brain aneurysm, have a heart attack, fall off a ledge, get diagnosed with a terminal illness...the list goes on. I don't know and I can't know. All I know is what is happening right here and right now, and that's all I need to find happiness.

Username: marcygirl23marcygirl23

Date posted: 17w ago

@djflorio Thanks for the kind words. I did meditation at one point and I liked it, but haven’t been lately. I will try again. I wish accepting uncertainty was easier, but I’m sure I’ll get there

Username: Anais VAnais V

Date posted: 16w ago

@djflorio This is incredibly helpful! I’ve been meditating and journaling! I’m so scared of becoming depressed and suicidal yet I know I’m not any of those! I still love going places and doing things! Did your fear of depression ever try to trick you into questioning if you actually love life even though deep down you know you do!?

Username: Moogle fan Moogle fan

Date posted: 17w ago

Hi! I am currently going through this theme as well. It’s a very scary theme and it is so distressing. Some helpful advice I’ve seen is because you don’t want it so badly is normally the reason it tends to stick around. OCD is ego dystonic and attacks the things that you care about the most (so your life). the people who tend to get Suicidal OCD/ depression OCD fears are the ones who are actually the opposite and love life and are very happy people. I hope this has helped in some way. OCD is a LIAR. I hope we all get through it. ❤️ you are not alone

Username: marcygirl23marcygirl23

Date posted: 17w ago

@Moogle fan Thanks for the support. Appreciate your words. We can do it 🤍

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 15w ago

@Moogle fan This helps a lot thank you

Username: savannahframe19savannahframe19

Date posted: 17w ago

i totally understand what your going through!! i go through the same thing and it’s absolutely hard i am currently in ERP therapy rn and i overthink sm if i won’t get better or if i think life is hopeless

Username: Anonymous99

Date posted: 2y ago

OCD is relentless

Ive posted on this app a few times this week, and I don’t like being a negative person, I just feel like I need to vent to people who get it. I’ve had ocd since I was a child, and I’ve been doing ERP for like 6 months and I’m still STRUGGLING. The spirals are horrible and I just worry I don’t have the strength to recover like a lot of other people have. Has anyone else felt like this and gotten through it? One of my motivations is to come out the other side and being able to post my success story here to hopefully inspire others. Curious to hear your success stories if you’re comfortable sharing.

Username: nattieee

Date posted: 2y ago

Does it get better?

I struggle with suicidal and harm ocd, which have been unbearable and came back into my life. The whole month of July has been living in a nightmare, I'm starting to feel very discouraged I started erp but I feel like I'm getting worse. These intrusive thoughts are very scary and the urges feel even worse. I can't stop ruminating at all that's my only compulsion, and I'm worried of losing control and going crazy as well. I want to be happy but I'm focusing on these thoughts 24/7 because of how real they feel. 🥺

Username: Shayne Krauch

Date posted: 49w ago

Suicidal OCD

Hi yall!! The past week for me has been needless to say… very interesting. My doctor and I decided I would stop taking Lexapro after 3-4 years and switch me to Prozac as it has more research backing OCD relief. To be clear, I did experience remission on Lexapro, however I thought I didn’t need it anymore and decided to cold turkey!!! Great decision.. not! I completely relapsed and for the past year have been about 50/50. So while I thought I was weaning off lexapro and getting on Prozac I actually was weaning off lexapro and taking Paxil everyday. I caught this on my own because I questioned the generic name of the drug.. double check your pill bottles!!! Long story short I got that wrong righted and am a week into weaning off Paxil and onto Prozac. This past week has been very tough for me mentally, a lot of suicidally themed OCD. I keep thinking about dying, having thoughts like “kill yourself” but I know it’s not how I actually feel. I don’t wanna die.. this life is all we have. Why would I wanna do that? I get so confused though and because of the OCD I typically experience depression which fuels that fire a million times over… You might ask why I’m writing this? I’m writing this for those also suffering with a similar theme. We need to be doing our exposures for 1 hour daily, we wont get relief if we don’t. ERP helped me when I did it, but then I didn’t think I needed it anymore and eventually stopped. With that and medication, a healthy lifestyle and overall GOOD supportive people around you… it’s possible to experience full remission and put OCD in the backseat of your life. When I get back to full remission I will make sure to come back to this post and encourage all of us suffering. OCD truly is the worst. Have a good Saturday yall, even if I don’t know you I love you as a human being. ☺️

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