Can anyone relate?/rant

i’ve been dealing with SOOCD for a while now. in the beginning i remember getting random thoughts about secretly being gay because whenever i see a woman portrayed in a sexual manner (like butt naked and/or doing something super sexual) i would get aroused. i used to brush it off because i just knew i didn’t want to be with a woman and i was and always have been only interested in men. I would only get aroused seeing those things in media and ofc porn but never in real life. I would even sit and stare at the content trying to see why i was aroused because it would only give me a groinal feeling and not the same attraction i felt when i saw sexual content about men (i had a HEALTHY libido growing up and all i thought about was men). i would watch music videos and not think anything of it but when something sexual came up or if a woman was nude or doing something sexual i would get aroused and as my anxiety got worse the intrusive thoughts started to pop up and stick around for longer. i tried to understand why it was happening and i realized i was exposed to sexual content at a pretty young age (thank you google) and i knew what sex was and how a woman “should look” during sex and anything that was even a little bit sexual made me aroused . Like me looking at myself naked would arouse me because i felt like “oh this is sexual” ykwim? and if i saw like lacy underwear i would be like “oh this is for sex.” in middle school the world history textbooks had pictures of statues with women without shirts and i automatically got aroused and i was concerned and confused but i realized oh i immediately think this means sex? like a woman only looks like that to have sex? i think my exposure to sexual content at a young age warped my idea of sex and what being sexual is? idk if what i’m saying is making sense. anyways in high school i noticed i started getting urges to watch any sexual content or anything involving sexual content whether it involved girls or guys and that triggered my intrusive thoughts even more. i still had and have no desire to be with a girl. I would rather never marry and be single all my life than even think of experimenting with a girl. basically i’m writing this all bc i was triggered by a cardi b post where she started twerking in a thong out of nowhere (i should’ve expected it) and i got the most massive groinal response and i got extremely anxious and i started thinking “you’ve always been aroused by sexual content like this your gay” “your lying to yourself” “this isn’t just ocd stop lying” “there was too much exploration in your childhood to mean ur straight” “you don’t even have a libido or attraction to men anymore but you get aroused to this?? ur gay”. and so i’m here ranting and not making sense. i miss being boy crazy so fucking much i hate living like this i used to be so BOY CRAZY that these things and experiences and thoughts never affected me but now that it’s all gone and it’s been so long since i’ve felt any of it the intrusive thoughts hit me harder. ok i’m done sorry this is all over the place.

Username: LV4523LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18w ago

I feel you. I did similar things as a kid, and honestly I was just curious about women and what they looked like sexually! As a girl I was obsessed with beauty and couldn’t wait to grow up and be pretty / sexy and all of those things. All of that stuff is very triggering for my ocd, but I can’t change that it happened. Our lives ebb and flow through different phases, and that just happened to be a phase that both you and I went through. Does it mean we aren’t 100% straight? Maybe, but maybe not. Even if we are “90%” straight, that doesn’t mean a single thing. It sounds like you know exactly what you want and ocd is getting the best of you like it does to me too. You got this!

Username: ninkaninganinkaninga

Date posted: 17w ago

I also feel you and i feel pretty similar. I was also exposed to sexual stuff from very early age (maybe 5-6 years old). And yes, i can feel you. I think i also felt these unwanted arousal and I thought that everything must be sex related. But ive never wanted to be with a woman, no true desire to experiment or be with a woman. When i was young i also liked boys. Never felt like gay. But now it makes me question that what if ive never been into them. Anyway, yea, i was very sex interested and curious child.

Username: mint_moonlightmint_moonlight

Date posted: 17w ago

Hey I know exactly what you mean and what you're going through. I made a post similar to what you said. Idk if you'll be able to see my post or idk how to show it to you. But it's literally what you're describing. And I will say it's been stressing me out as well. I just wanted to say you're not alone and I get where you're coming from!

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 18w ago

Sexuality is a lot more nuanced than strictly gay or strictly straight. And like the other commenter said it could be non-concordance. There’s really no answer except what feels right to you.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16w ago

YES! exactly this!! i have never seen something that I was going through written out, i thought I was the only one! You are definitely not alone!! This is one theme of mine that comes and goes.

Username: cf05

Date posted: 2y ago

Has anyone else with SOOCD found themselves mentally reviewing literally every interaction they’ve ever had with the sex that their OCD is telling them they are attracted to rather than the want they want and know themselves to be attracted to?? I am a straight female and ever since my OCD flared up about two months ago I have spent every minute of every day ruminating over past experiences and my mind has convinced me that I was attracted to virtually every female figure in my life, even though I have never actually acted on any of these presumptions. Likewise, my brain is pushing away all of the actual memories I have of being in love with past boyfriends and having crushes on guys. Now, when I see a girl anywhere I freak out and automatically assume I’m attracted to them, even though the thought of being gay makes me sick to my stomach and is never something that I want to act on. And also, when I see any guy that I find attractive, I will acknowledge that I find them attractive but it’s like my mind is telling me I’m faking it because I must actually like women. These thoughts are so incredibly painful because I feel like my attraction to men is fading away even though I only ever want to be with men in the future. I feel like I’m numb to everything and it’s making the anxiety soso much worse. Anyone who can relate or provide any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Username: Aileen Gemmell

Date posted: 2y ago

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Hi just for reference, I’m a girl, I’m almost 17 and I’ve been boy crazy for pretty much all my life. I- I don’t even know what to think anymore, I identify as straight and enjoy thinking about men sexually and emotionally, but I can also masterbate to women weirdly enough? I’ve been diagnosed with pure ocd and I have no desire to have any sexual or emotional relationships with women in real life, and I’ve had hocd for over a year now, but I can masterbate to weird things sometimes and I know I’m not supposed to but I compulsively search things up very often and from what I’ve found most people would say that it would mean that I’m bi. The idea of being bi or gay has made me hyperventilate and cry god knows how many times, at this point I wouldn’t even be angry if I was bi or gay but I know that I’m not. My head keeps telling me that since I can masterbate to gay thoughts or lesbian thoughts sometimes that it means that I’m not straight even though I have no desire to do anything even remotely close to that in real life. This is one of my worst themes of ocd so far as compared to other people who have hocd they don’t get turned on or finish thinking about these things and I do but I don’t identify as bi or gay. I just, I don’t know what to do anymore? I was hoping someone on here goes through the same thing? And I’d really rather not hear that it’s just me denying it, I have a few people I talk to and occasionally when I bring it up they just say I’m in denial so I really don’t know what to do anymore.

Username: hlm2

Date posted: 2y ago

Hocd

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?

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