POCD

Okay, so I was exposed to porn at 9. My older cousin came over to the house and asked if I could keep a secret and stuff and then he showed me porn. I got addicted to it ngl. I would watch it whenever I could and would always think about it when I wasn’t home. Because of this, I started reading mangas on this one website and I was still in elementary school when I started reading these I think, either that or middle school. Anyways, there was this one about these kids who did it and I was like oh I’m the same age as them and all that you know so I didn’t think much of it. I would still read it up to when I was in high school but I wouldn’t like read it often, I would just read it because I was familiar with it and it felt like I was still their age for some reason, like I didn’t see them as kids you know, it felt like they were my age. Oh my god, that makes it sound even worse. When my POCD started, I stopped reading that story because I was it terrified me so a little before I turned 18. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I’m actually a pedophile or not. I don’t know if it’s because I was exposed to that stuff so early and my cousin would constantly talk about sex when he was with me. I thought it was so normal to be reading and looking at that stuff. I didn’t realize. I’m scared that my nephews are going to be exposed to that so early like I was. My POCD mostly targets my nephews and now I’m scared that I’ll do the same thing to them and show them that stuff (I never will) or that I genuinely do like that stuff. I feel like throwing up while writing this. I just don’t want to be one. I’m sorry if this triggers you or if this seems like I’m seeking reassurance and maybe I am. I genuinely don’t know right now. I think I just needed to get this off my chest because I’ve been worrying about it for awhile.

Username: presspress

Date posted: 9w ago

I relate to this so hard :(, im so sorry your also dealing with this I’m in a very similar position myself I was exposed to porn my friends when I was around 11 years old, and I was shown similar stories and art by them and people online and until recently, around the same time as you, i didn’t recognize how bad it was, I was so used to being shown/ seeing those kinds of thing my brain just got numb to it, it was what I was familiar with, it wasn’t until I pulled myself away from porn all together and the people that had shown it to me i recognized how bad it was and I also still feel guilty about the things I saw, and like with your nephews I felt terrified about being around my younger cousins thinking that I might hurt them but I saw them a little while ago and nothing happened! OCD attacks what we love and care about, in this case it’s family members, it’s terrifying to have those intrusive thoughts but ocd makes us think things and makes us doubt ourselves about things we know aren’t going to happen our brains work themselves up on that “doubt” but you can do our in it even though it sound hard and it is at first but the more we just let those thoughts pass through without focusing on them, that’s how we starve that anxiety out I’m also terrified of my cousins being exposed to the same content I was but unfortunately that’s not something we can control we can educate them of the dangers online but that about it Your not a terrible person and your not going to hurt your nephews, please cut yourself some slack, you were a child when you saw that stuff and that fact that you recognize that it’s bad now and are disgusted by it shows that you’re a good person with a good moral compass my therapist has said this to me a few times “you can’t blame yourself for not knowing something was wrong when you didn’t know” please give yourself a break and don’t blame yourself to hard

Username: jelly

Date posted: 5y ago

Hey so I’m an 18 year old college student I’ve had ocd for a long time but I never wanted to admit this aspect of it as part of it and I still don’t. That’s why I won’t say it cause I’ll just end up crying again. I don’t even want to post about it cause this would just make the problem real. I know I’m not sexually attracted to them but my mind wants to trick me and I end up getting confused on which is rlly me, like the other aspects of my ocd. It spiked ig when someone sent me a meme and it was fine but at the end of it it showed a child being shown in a sexual way which was suppose to I guess be funny but it wasn’t rlly funny to me at all and got uncomfortable and the pocd thoughts came in hard and I had such a bad panic attack and then I felt the need to go back and check to see what I was feeling and went to the video the next day after avoiding it to see which after reading the threads here is I guess a big no no? I know I’m not sexually attracted but my mind is playing these games and confuses me and I’m so scared to even talk to my therapist about it or ask people for help cause what if they think I’m a pedophile? Children genuinely make me happy and I have a motherly instinct to care for them but my mind turns it into something darker and I know I don’t think of these kids sexually but it’s like I have the power to?And that freaks me out so much and it won’t leave me alone I don’t know what to do I know I’m not one but my mind is tricking me and it’s freaking me out and if my mind says it could be what if other people think I am no one I trust will even understand idk what to do I just needed to put this somewhere to vent

POCD

Username: sunshineandr...

Date posted: 1y ago

Internet not being regulated as a teen

Just a heads up this is a little NSFW So I’ve had POCD for a hot minute, since I was 18. When I was 15-17 I can’t remember the age could have been 14 I don’t know. I went on Wattpad and would look for like smutty pictures. I remember I kept going back to this one book because it had a lot of chapters and images. It had a lot of dipper from gravity falls and even one with him and that triangle dude. I feel gross because I kept going back. I do know I didn’t like that it was that character I just liked the fact the images were sexual in nature but as I type this I don’t even know if I liked them but kept looking out of curiosity? I think I’m replaying the memory too much. I don’t wanna ask for reassurance because I know it’ll only add temporary relief but I needed to get this off my chest because I feel like a terrible person. I’ve also seen the Simpsons like all characters that was disturbing. Basically it’s under rule 34 (if it exists there’s p0rn of it) but I was a horny teen/kid on the unregulated internet and I sometimes wish I never had a phone when I was younger. Anyway I feel like a terrible person and just wanna know if I’m a creep or not…

Username: jharbi

Date posted: 1y ago

I'm scared that I could be a pedo. (Pocd)

So I (16 f) haven't been diagnosed with it but I think I have OCD. Specifically POCD and real event OCD. I did something in 2021 that I regretted then and I regret even more now. I read some fanfiction that involved incest and minors and I hated it. I hated it bc it was disgusting, bc it went against my morals, and bc I read it. I was bored but I still wish I didn't read them. And since April of this year, I have been suffering bc I read them. I'm scared I'm a pedo and I really don't want to be one bc I don't want to do the things they do to kids. I Don't even find kids attractive but I get groinal responses and I'm scared that I actually do. I suffer from intrusive thoughts everyday. Even though this flair up started in April, I've been suffering from it for a couple years. But nowadays I'll be lucky to go a hour without them. I posted a similar post like this on Reddit a month or two ago and all of the comments said I wasn't a pedo and that it was POCD but I'm spiraling. During those months I would be scared I was a pedo and not be scared bc I knew it was ocd back and forth but this time it's different. I'm scared that I'm actually a pedo but I don't want to be. I don't like the thoughts and I don't want to do anything to kids. I know people say that 'if you were a pedo you would like the thoughts." Or "if you were a pedo you would know you are." And that's helped me but now I feel like I could just be in denial. I tried to not let it bother me but my brain tells me that if I don't react, that means I like the thoughts. I have younger cousins and a nephew and I hate being around them bc I'm scared that I'll get attracted to them. I hate when my younger sister hugs me bc I get scared that I'll get attracted. There has been multiple times where I just went in my bathroom and just broke down crying. And I hate crying but I cried more than I usually do. It's gotten to the point where multiple times I felt suicidal and honestly I feel like that now. But I usually got over it and realized it was just OCD but I'm scared that it's not. And I feel like if it was just thoughts then maybe it would've been better but it's the fact that I read those even though I hated it and was disgusted by it. I just really don't know what to do. I'm sorry that this post is too long.

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