What if I don’t deserve..

A good life, success, healing, beautiful things? ⚠️ Important: please don’t read if this is triggering. No one should think this way about themselves, of course you deserve it all. I struggle with real events and harm OCD. My worst fear is being a bad person, causing harm or doing the wrong thing. These thoughts haunt me all the time and cause me to essentially throw my life away. I don’t go out, pursue opportunities, etc. because what if I don’t deserve them? I think of the worst things I’ve ever done all the time. The things that I’m most ashamed of. Like a broken record that’s all I replay in my head. Doesn’t matter if it was 5 or 10 years ago. And I beat myself up for not doing better. And I just don’t know how to move past it. I’ve read a lot of quotes and books about self help and love and acceptance (e.g. once you know better, do better). But for me I feel like I have to hate myself forever. I won’t ever get a clean slate, there’s a permanent stain on my record. I just can’t forgive myself, whether other people know it or not, I can’t allow myself to move forward. It’s about integrity for me. Does anyone relate? How do you do it? I’m so sorry if you’re also struggling. I don’t wish this for anyone. Please keep fighting, you’re not alone. ❤️

Username: 1230Anonymous1230Anonymous

Date posted: 12w ago

I feel sick and tired too!! Haha but yes, everything you said is extremely relatable. I’m not sure if the thoughts will gradually go away (they haven’t over the past year), and I feel like meds may be the only solution… although that feels like cheating, trying to clear my head of something real that actually happened. It feels like real events are the only thing standing in the way of happiness, but there is no way to change the past which makes happiness in life almost seem impossible

Username: sick&tiredsick&tired

Date posted: 12w ago

@1230Anonymous I don’t think meds are cheating — I’ve worked with various providers who have prescribed high doses of different prescriptions but unfortunately I haven’t found one that makes my OCD seem any more manageable. 😔 And personally ERP hasn’t worked for these themes. I am sorry to hear that you can relate, I hope we’ll find our healing soon. 💛

Username: Emily :)Emily :)

Date posted: 12w ago

I relate to this so much. I don’t have answers for you but I can say you are not alone. It’s a nightmare and I don’t wish this on anyone

Username: Kris JKris J

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 12w ago

First off, I’m sorry you feel this way. I can totally relate- this specific subtype has been especially troublesome for me over the years. It’s a horrible feeling- Oftentimes it feels like there’s no end to the real events ‘what if’ loop. I’ve been there and to say it’s debilitating is an understatement. In my experience it can be managed though. ERP + Medication have been extremely helpful for me. I’ve gone from having very “sticky” and very intrusive thoughts to a mindset that’s more manageable. If I can send anything your way it would be hope- however bad you feel now please know you can and will feel better in the future.

Username: OshijhaOshijha

Date posted: 4w ago

I can relate to you totally. You're not alone in this.

Username: little blue

Date posted: 5y ago

I feel too "bad" to redeem myself or deserve recovery. I know it's just my OCD but every second I'm awake another completely different memory hits me and I'm filled with guilt and regret and paranoia. It never stops. I really don't know what to do. I'm in therapy and I'm trying every day but it's so hard to get better when you feel like you need to punish yourself for every move you make. I'm not sure what kind of treatment could help me when I have a new obsession every half hour and they're generally based on my past/real events. If any of you feel this way I'm so sorry :(

"Pure" OCD

Username: Magzzz

Date posted: 2y ago

How can I ever forgive myself?…

How can I forgive myself for the mistakes I made as a teenager (maybe 15 through 18 or 19 I don’t remember exactly) when at the time I had no bad intentions I just didn’t understand what I was getting into? How can I forgive myself for being so dumb? I should of known. But unfortunately now dealing with real event and other themes trying to find “proof” it’s so exhausting and unsettling especially when the worst case scenario about my self and my past comes up literally every day and I have to fight it with “maybe, maybe not”…when will it ever go away. Do I even deserve for it to go away? No matter who I’ve told whether it was a parent or a therapist they all say the same thing…….let it go……..how am I supposed to do that. I want to do great things in life. I want to make up for all I have done wrong. I want to help people but I can’t even help myself. I hate myself. I don’t even like myself at all. I would go back in a heartbeat. But I can’t. I’m stuck in this mental hell. Will I ever be ok again…….

Username: aneyh

Date posted: 1y ago

Deserved Guilt (18+)

Does anybody have any tips on how to manage deserved guilt and OCD at the same time? I actually carried out some awful actions in my relationship 3 1/2-4 years ago and absolutely deserve to feel guilt and shame. But now my gf says it’s time for me to move on, I’ve punished myself enough, that I deserve to be happy, etc. I disagree and feel like I deserve everything I’m feeling, and will forever. Opinions on the internet have solidified this for me (most people’s opinion about my event online seems to be that I deserve to think about what I did for the rest of my life, that I don’t deserve love, that my gf should leave me, etc.). I’m scared to go against those opinions. Sorry for rambling, I’m just so stuck between trying to move on for my girlfriends sake and rehashing the past every day to try and understand/fix my faults. Any advice would be appreciated.

Real Events OCD

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

What if I don’t deserve..

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community