Why?

I find myself questioning things I’d never question about my life. I’m thinking I’ve actually been driven to contemplate these dark things because my ocd has pushed me over the edge. So it’s kinda that my intrusive thoughts have come true. It’s not fair! I feel super hopeless, then I get scared that I felt that way then the ocd kicks in and I start contemplating things like “it’s all hopeless I feel I am going to carry out (insert violent thought here).”. I don’t get it guys… I don’t have the money for therapy right now so crisis chats and this is my best option. I’ll definitely say ocd and my poor sleep bug habit are what has pushed me to these depths. What I don’t get though is I’m not inherently violent, I thought I was always a hopeful person on the inside, I don’t have depression. That and I love my family, I don’t want harm to come to them but the moment I get the hopelessness it makes me question wether or not it’s worth it. I’m living my worst nightmare. By the way I’m not dangerous, I don’t have any deficits in empathy what’s wrong with me. I’m in denial, I can’t believe I’m capable of genuinely thinking these things. Oh and then I have this suicidal spiral. I’ve had suicidal ocd but now I think it’s also partially true since I’ve been in such a dark spot. I know they say that if you’re not comforted by the idea of sleeping forever it prolly means it’s just ocd and well let me say it’s not comforting. Back to back I’m like “do I want to kill myself? Am I feeling that? Will I do it?” And I feel so hopeless that the thought comes in but no I DONT WANT IT. So it’s like half ocd and half my mental distress. But lord no I don’t want it and I don’t want to live in a reality where I contemplate it. Someone just help me… Why are my emotions so intense I question these things? Ocd is involved I know but I’m telling you this hopelessness had made me contemplate things that ocd wouldn’t typically do. I don’t have personality disorders or any other mental illness. HELP ME!

Currently crying right now after my shift at work. OCD is transitioning myself into someone I don’t want to be, yet I’m afraid to not have it in my life because when things are feeling okay, it doesn’t feel right, even when I should crave it more than anything. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel life won’t go my way or I don’t see myself being in a good place. I just see myself losing everything I love and care about because either ocd has caused me to distance myself from those things or others just decide to separate themselves from me. At the end of the day, I’m going to end up alone and miserable, and I don’t know why I’m okay with that, but I am. I’m so frustrated with myself and conflicted. Fuck this. I have so much more life ahead of me and I fucken feel stuck and crippled bc of ocd. A 21 year old shouldn’t have to go through this. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH ANYTHING NEGATIVE OR HARMFUL. I’m tired of all the bad. I want more good… I want to be better… I want to be me again. I want to love life, others and myself again.

I've been shutting myself away lately because I'm so fu^king sick of this cycle of me turning into a g0ddamned baby and then hysterically crying for hours on end and having my family helplessly watch and not know how to help. Nobody knows how to help. I don't even know what I need. I want to give up and just stare at the wall until somebody can save me. If my brain isn't constantly distracted and numbed I'm spiraling. I switch minute to minute from being super depressed to hyper and talkative yet somehow I manage to hold it all inside. It's getting very hard to communicate/mask. Every night I feel fine. I feel scared and sad, but I feel the most normal at this time. When I wake up, it starts all over again. I wake up in panic attack mode and drag myself to work. I swear to god I can't help myself anymore. Nothing I do helps and it's too exhausting. I think I'm just gonna keep letting myself suffer because I'm so sick of trying to get help and then have it not help. I know this is just an episode but jesus christ it's so f^cking scary. I believe everything my brain tells me but I don't even know what it's telling me. All I know is there's this extreme PUSH to be flooded with extreme sadness and anxiety, and it's very REAL. I feel like I need to be locked up and studied. I truly feel alone in this condition because I genuinely believe there is no one in this world who has been having these symptoms the way I do. Four years of this, several mental health professionals, and I still don't have an answer. When will I be able to rest? Even reading this message makes me think "that's not me. where did I go?" There's not even a specific reason why i'm feeling so extremely horrible. It starts as a pure OCD attack about something and then before I know it I spend a week crying. Anyway I have work in the morning I don't know how I keep going and getting out of bed every day knowing that ending up like this is definitely a possibility. I really don't know how I'm still alive. Something is extremely wrong with me and no one seems to understand just how bad it is. What do I need to do in order to get someone to understand the severity of it all? I wish nothing but healing and peace and permanent remission for all of you tough souls ❤️