Losing my beloved to ocd

@Doyoulikeme? No - I haven’t. I almost don’t want to because I’m afraid it’s me.

@Ellasmama That’s possible, you know yourself better than anyone, but on the other hand it might show you what someone who actually does hate their pet thinks like, and you may find it’s different from the obsession. But I acknowledge that’s a risk

@Doyoulikeme? Where was the article?

@Ellasmama It was on The Cut, and written anonymously “why did I stop loving my cat when I had a baby”

@Catlove9 Literally same. I’m so sorry. It feels like my brain is literally fighting me bc it wants to do it and likes it. And like I’m having these almost epiphany feelings that it’s like wait no?? But my brain keeps just feeling like I want it and I’m trying to convince myself I don’t. Like I almost can’t go on without doing it or can’t resist it and it hurts to try bc it feels like I’ve turned into this.

@Ellasmama You’ve explained exactly how I feel! It’s terrifying. And any moment I get clarity, the feelings come back with a vengeance. And then there’s this new one that comes and says my anxiety isn’t from the thought but from going to jail. And it makes me even more scared because it makes me feel like I want to do it, but I’m too scared to. When in reality, I don’t want this!

@Catlove9 It’s so awful. I hate this. Everything I’ve ever used to make myself feel better now backfires on me, tbh. Similar to your jail thought, mine was always a thought after of how awful I would feel and an image of me having to bury my beloved girl at some point. Except now it feels like I’m planning it. Like the worst thing in the world to me was the thought that she would pass someday and I’d lose her. Now it feels like I’m actively fighting myself to keep her alive against my brain for no reason.

@Ellasmama And the feelings are the worst part. I’ve checked to the point that I’ve lost my real feelings for the most part and get wrong ones instead. This is horrible.

@Ellasmama I swear you’re describing exactly how I feel. Anything that relieved me before, doesn’t help now. Like last night I was sitting on the couch and was getting super anxious. Where it felt like my body was going to move and make me hurt my boyfriend. And I thought “I’ll just leave the house and walk and get away.” And then my brain was like “no. That won’t help. These thoughts and feelings will never go away until you do the bad thing.” Then I was driving home from work. And I had the thought “you’re going to hurt your boyfriend when you get home.” And then it felt like I was planning it because I kept driving toward home and I felt terrible.

@Catlove9 Literally same. Like everything I used. If I thought to myself about how sad i’d be if she was gone, that would be enough to make me feel better. I thought to myself of walking in her room and not seeing her and how sad my life would be without her, that would always make me feel better or planes out in my head and feeling like oh my God, I’d never do that. That would always make me feel better - now it’s all gone. Or sometimes I even get a wrong feeling like I like that idea. It just feels like I’m holding myself back and flat out, resisting doing these awful things all the time. Sometimes I feel mad at her over like the fact that she has body parts (like wtf on that one) and then that says to me well that’s intent, so you know… And sometimes like I’ll say to myself like you don’t want that I don’t get this pit in my stomach that feels like I actually do and that’s why I’m doubting this because it’s actually real, or I’ll say to myself like you know you wanna get better so you can have your back and I’ll get like a flashing image and that same pit in my stomach that like I don’t actually wanna get better cause I wanna do these things to her. Or like I’ll stay in myself like you don’t have a plan and you hit all the weapons and everything so nothing around anyway and like I get almost that same feeling of like you know why are you saying this cause you actually wanna do it? I have a really hard time believing this is actually OCD

@Ellasmama That’s the worst part. It’s the feeling like you have to hold yourself back from the thoughts. And each time a new one comes, and I get the pit in my stomach (I get it too) I think omg. What if this time I cannot stop myself? And I’m worried the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to hold myself back. I hate this feeling. Because it feels like you want to go and do the thing. Like it actually feels that way. And I don’t even know what to believe. I too doubt if this is actually OCD because of the way it feels. I would say this is the worst relapse I’ve had. I’ll be 37 in a few weeks and I really thought I was past all this.

@Catlove9 Oh my gosh yes. That pit almost feels like anger. I have one really bad intrusive thought that stuck with me and scares the hell out of me bc I still consciously think it and feel like I’ll do it. And almost feel mad when I don’t???? It’s horrible. That’s my baby. I don’t want to feel like this about her. And that’s the thing - I’ve had this for four months and it feels like I don’t have as much ability to hold it back even though I obviously do. But like…how do I know it’ll get better? And I’ll suddenly just go back to being mama? It almost feels like I don’t. I’m 25 btw and this is the worst I’ve ever had either. I had it mildly before but I beat it and I figured I was done with it.

@Ellasmama If I try to relax too, it feels like I really, really want it. So like I’m on edge holding myself back all the time. I hate this. I just want to go back to me.

@Ellasmama That’s exactly how it feels! Any time I’m relaxed it’s like I purposely think about it which then scares me even more! Because I blame myself for thinking it. And mine goes from harm to false memory a lot! When I was younger, it was mainly health and false memory, and then out of no where around 6 years ago I had an awful panic attack and the harm ocd came in. And I thought it was better. And idk about you, but I also get touched of depersonalization when I’m really in the thick of it. So it feels like I’m not inside my body and it completely amps everything up.

Have you done ERP?

@OCDFamily I did. But I met with my therapist yesterday and she said I need to do it again.

@OCDFamily Yes for months! Unfortunately it’s not helping.

@OCDFamily Yes for months! Unfortunately it’s not helping.