Please read and help

Have any of you been through this? My harm OCD has continued to be off the charts and while I’m trying to get through therapy and meds, it’s slow going. But now, my thoughts feel like they’ve turned into genuine ideation. Like I actually *want* to do them. And that I’m fascinated by it or something. The feelings are so intense I feel like I can’t stop myself. And it’s like my brain gets stuck. Anything I say to myself like “if you really wanted to do this, you’d feel X” then I suddenly feel it. Most of the time I feel like I’m going to and I’m just stopping myself. Or if I feel love for my loved ones, it’s a feeling or thought like “it’s not enough you could force yourself to do it anyway”. Please help me.

Ellasmama

Date posted: 40w

I also like can’t tell I think of these things and it feels like genuine ideation. Like I’m feeling everything I don’t want to feel but at the same time I don’t really care. And sometimes like if I’m alone with my loved one, it’s like…here’s your chance! But I think it consciously??!

Lost-

Date posted: 40w

I wish I had the perfect advice to give you but I think at the very least, you must recognise that OCD can be more deceiving than ever imaginable. If you have overwhelming and uncontrollable anxiety because you’re concerned about being harmful to others, it’s likely your brain is serving you vivid hypotheticals to try and rationalise and find certainty and safety. In the thick of OCD, it’s a pungent mix of urgency and desperation and it can feel impossible to distinguish what parts of your brain and your feelings are real, what is yours and what is imagined, but these ideas may help sort through your mind a little. - first of all try to lower your anxiety, if you are in fight or flight you will likely be unable to think straight whether you like it or not. Reassure yourself that you are safe, those around you are safe, you can take a deep breath and let your mind clear. - Brains are ridiculously good at imagining sometimes. I would wager you could vividly imagine the experience of being a truck driver, or owning an ice cream shop, but what you probably don’t think about is; you could also imagine loving truck driving, or hating it. In the midst of all of your fear, OCD will serve you intrusive thoughts in the hope that you can definitively disprove them, but it’s a ruse, there is no such thing as certainty in any aspect of life and so you will be searching forever if you try and work out your thoughts. - thoughts are not you, they are like water, watch them flow, try to focus only on what you want to think about, don’t do the alternative and try not to think about things that you don’t like. Eg. DON’T THINK ABOUT COWS! It doesn’t work see! I’m not a professional at all, and this is all just my own thoughts so please take it with a grain of salt and if it works for you that’s great but if not please disregard it. Hope you feel much better soon, all the best.

Lost-

Date posted: 40w

Thoughts are like water, let them flow*

Lost-

Date posted: 40w

@Lost- One last addition, this is something I sent to someone else on here a while ago, but I think it might be helpful In my personal opinion, yes you have to accept that you’ll never completely understand how your brain works and nobody does. What you think isn’t who you are, thoughts are more like water, you can try and dictate where it flows but you can’t stop it from flowing. It helps to give attention to what we’d prefer to think about and draw attention away from what we don’t enjoy thinking about, but with OCD, that autonomy of attention is compromised by anxiety and urgency, all parts of OCD’s arsenal against your peace of mind. It’s trying to protect you, but by performing surgery on your thoughts 24/7 you’re only going to cause more distress. It’s helpful to be insightful sometimes, but not to the point of obsession. At the end of the day, you are not your thoughts. Try and relax and go easy on yourself, it’s normal to have thoughts you don’t like, they are not here to stay, they don’t define who you are, and they don’t have to be acted on if you don’t want them to be. Hope this helps, I’m not a professional, just giving my personal opinion from experience and learning about OCD, so please take everything with a grain of salt.

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

lu22

Date posted: 23w

No therapy, harm ocd need advice Asap please

I keep getting these horrible feelings come back that make me feel down or like my life isn’t the same. It feels almost like someone is holding you over the edge of a cliff and sometimes they pull you back and you feel safe and the next minute they dangle you back over and you feel like there is a big problem again. I feel like I can’t forget how it felt it made me feel like I’m actually evil and I wanted it and enjoyed it and I can’t be normal now. I feel like I don’t even know what I want. I try to forget and be normal but when I do it feels like how do I know I don’t actually want to be evil because it felt like that? And now it feels like what if that’s my true nature and I’m denying it and that makes me feel like well if I’m debating about whether I am or not maybe I actually do want it? I try to live normally but I can’t because I have ‘this’ problem. The thoughts were about stabbing and it felt like it was actually about to happen and I got this weird feeling that felt like I was suddenly really happy about it and discovered why evil people enjoy doing evil things and now I can’t get over that feeling emotion?? Because now I’m thinking how can I forget it felt like that?? And that feeling must still be there I’m jsut not looking for it like maybe if I sat there imagining those thoughts again maybe that feeling would come back ?? I don’t know what to do or who I am I don’t even know if I’m sad or if I’m worried or if I’m good or if I wanted that bad thing but that feeling has really affected me like I don’t know if I want to he evil or not and now I’m worried maybe I was impressed by that feeling what if I want that feeling again because it feels good what if because I felt like I was happy or enjoyed it now I want that again I’m so confused ?? What if evil people enjoy it and I’ve realised why they enjoy it and now I want that feeling again? I don’t know what to do

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