Harming my Baby?

Can I please get someone’s opinion on this. I am scared of having my own baby. I’m terrified of the diaper changes. I have the same intrusive thought that I would kiss my child’s genitalia during this. I feel like I could possibly justify it by saying it’s out of love. I’m sure there are parents who have done it in a non sexual way which scares me too. I don’t know if that’s a real possibility but my brain tells me it is. I’m scared that I don’t know if this is right or wrong. And I’m just scared I’ll love my baby so much I won’t see anything wrong with it. I know we’re supposed to sit with uncertainty but this one is killing me and I don’t know how to deal with this.

apaine2642

Date posted: 16w ago

Let me start out with saying: You are not going to harm your baby. The fact that you are posting this here and are so worried about it and anxious about it means that you will not do it. This is a common OCD theme and while it isn’t my theme (I had harm thoughts when my baby is born) I can tell you that the postpartum hormones can really increase OCD a lot. There is a group on Facebook for people who suffer from perinatal and postpartum OCD specifically, so if you wanted more support you may look for it and join. But here’s some stuff you can do in the meantime: 1) Get in to see a psychiatrist or talk to your OB about starting an SSRI to see if this would be a good option for you. There’s a lot of literature out there pointing to postpartum OCD being triggered due to increased oxytocin levels in the brain, which increase dopamine, which lower serotonin. Not all OCD types require medication but OCD that sets in postpartum will usually resolve faster with both medication and therapy. 2) Check out the book Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts by Sally M Winston and Martin N Seif. It explains what OCD is, how it works, and how to respond to it. I love this book and reference back to it often even with therapy. 3) You are still you. You’re not some crazy lunatic that wants to do bad things. You are so horrified by the thought of doing bad things that your brain has had a hard time of letting go of the thought and is mistakenly thinking that it needs to react this way through anxious thoughts and making up all of the worst case scenarios bc it thinks this is how it can protect you and the baby from this horrible thing. 4) When you have an intrusive thought, try the following response: “I am not my thoughts” and repeat it as many times as necessary. If you have a hard time letting go of the thought, try to breathe deeply and count by 7s or 9s. It sounds silly but if you do it enough times it will start to get easier and easier. Your therapist will have more feedback on this for sure but hopefully this is enough to get you started. You got this.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 16w ago

@apaine2642 Thank you very much for this. I think what scared me the most was how I was trying to justify it. I guess exploring the worst case scenario, that I would act on the thought, as your comment led me to realize. Thank you

apaine2642

Date posted: 16w ago

@isshpra Yes, this is a form of “checking” and it’s super annoying! Just remember that OCD attacks the things we care about the most — in our case, our children.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 16w ago

@apaine2642 Ugh it just felt so real that I was terrified I’d do it in all the distress of the moment. Thank you again for replying, it means a lot.

Lacey1215

Date posted: 19d ago

Hi. I am currently going through this. I am 6months postpartum. This happened with my son as well but not as badly as I'm going through it with my daughter. I didn't realize until lots of late night research not believing I could think awful things about my child... You're not alone. I can't understand or explain it, I get the concept that intrusive thoughts attack what we fear most and for me that is my children being SA. By someone. It's is a huge fear and after researching I've realized I guess the term is ruminate, I do that all the time it's just never ending head spinning. I have so much respect for my children I just remind myself of that now when the intrusive thoughts come. But I agree that the fact that they bother you means they are not you.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 19d ago

@Lacey1215 Girl, I am so, so sorry you’re going through this. This haunted me for months. I still get anxious about it because I feel like my brain downplays SA all the time, and I think it’s a way of protecting myself from how horrible it really is. My main OCD theme is morality, and I’m terrified I’ll do something bad (especially to someone so innocent) or that I’m a bad person. I think that’s why this came up for me. Honestly, when my anxiety is at its worst, I fear this same thing all over again. I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this ❤️‍🩹

hanysm@gmail...

Date posted: 17w ago

Worry instead on the now and here. How to handle a baby, is a good problem to have, yes?

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 17w ago

@hanysm@gmail.com I’m trying to not focus on that but I can’t help it. I want to have a baby and I feel like I can’t even think about it until I know that I wouldn’t cross a boundary like that. I can’t stop justifying it either and it’s making me feel like absolute crap.

hanysm@gmail...

Date posted: 17w ago

@isshpra Did you talk to therapist?

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 17w ago

@hanysm@gmail.com I have a therapist but my appointment is in 4 days

hanysm@gmail...

Date posted: 17w ago

@isshpra Ok until your appointment, read this post and tell me what you think https://app.treatmyocd.com/community/posts/2043944

CD…

Date posted: 16w ago

Intrusive thoughts

This may upset some people reading so here is just a warning that these are disturbing I don’t know what to do to make the bad thoughts stop. My mom recently had a baby, my little brother. I wasn’t exactly happy about this pregnancy, but I have nothing against my brother. He’s adorable and silly. Nothing against him. But I feel like these thoughts bug me because what if deep down I do resent him because I didn’t want my mom to have another kid? What if I did act on these things because I hate him? What if I just lose it and do something? It’s all so illogical, I know. Never would I ever want to do that. But there’s times I’m watching him for a few minutes for my mom and my brain just shows me an awful scene of me brutally hurting him or killing him. Or I’ll be holding him and my brain shows me a scene where I purposefully drop him or I just hurt him so badly. I’ll be walking near him and my brain tells me I’m going to stomp on him. It shows me such bad things. I have intrusive thoughts all the time, but this is different because there’s a semi good reason I “could” do it. That being, I wasn’t happy about the pregnancy. And it scares me. I’ve started crying because I was so scared it was going to happen. I have to back up away from him or sit down so there’s no way I can do anything. I feel horrible. I don’t want to hurt him. And I’m so scared I will. But I won’t. I’m hoping this makes sense to others who struggle with this. Because to anyone else who’s never gone through these things I’ll sound insane. And sound like a psychopath. Thanks for reading. Any help would be appreciated.

hopefulxmess

Date posted: 13w ago

Mama in distress😪

My ocd is ruining my relationship with my kids. Because of the intrusive thoughts I avoid being close to them, hugging or cuddling up to watch tv. My ocd is either telling me I wouldn’t care if harm came to them or it turns everything into something sexual or inappropriate. For example, my daughter wanted to show me how long her nails are so she started scratching my arm gently. It felt so nice and relaxing and I immediately panicked because I was scared the ocd would cause a groinal and I don’t ever, ever want a feeling like that connected with my child even though I know it’s the ocd causing it and not me i’d still feel horrible. I just want to be a normal loving affectionate mom and I can never be that for my kids because of ocd😪 I don’t see any other parents posting about going through this or commenting that they do and how they cope. I feel so alone and defeated.

Callista Moore

Date posted: 11w ago

What is this?

This might be asking for reassurance but I’m at a point I’m not sure if this is ocd and who better to ask than you guys. Also want to mention I have been to a psychologist who diagnosed me with ocd and I’ve tried to seek therapy through NOCD but had a bad experience so I’m just looking for an opinion I’ll take with a grain of salt. I’ve been through bouts of pocd that I got through but now it’s morphed into something that feels so different. It’s like harm ocd and pocd together and it revolves around my daughter. Before this happened I was a loving mother who valued my kid more than anything. Now this is happening and it feels so sinister. I’m getting urges to do something bad and I get these feelings like I want to do that and it’s like my brain gets foggy and my values slip away and I feel like I could do it. But then I get a moment of clarity and I’m like wait a minute I’ve never hurt anyone in my life nor have I ever thought about it and this is my child what is happening. But then I get that foggy brain again and it’s like I can’t see her as my child. I try to sit with it and it’s like I get this adrenaline rush and feel like I have to do it. But I know I don’t want to do that, but then it’s like trying to make me want to want to. I’m not sure if I’m just lacking insight and clarity because I’m overwhelmed with the groinals, urges, thoughts and feelings but I just keep obsessing over the fact that death is my only way out. I don’t understand what happened to me. It feels like this demonic oppression and I don’t know how to get through this one or if this is still something I can get through because it might not be ocd. I try to go with the thoughts and feelings and say yeah maybe, maybe not, or yeah I’m going to do that but it seems to fuel the feelings. I feel like I’m teetering between the person I was and this evil awful person who has no regard for others. I don’t want to be around my daughter and I’m just angry all the time. The fear and anxiety used to be something I relied on and I feel none of that now. I used to be able to say “well no matter what I feel or think I can control my actions” and now it feels like I cannot control my actions but I’ve never hurt anyone before. Someone please give it to me straight and tell me if you think this might not be ocd.

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