I need some advice plis :)

@Someone99 I appreciate you reply, may I ask something? I just can’t seem to figure out how this is a compulsion. I think it feels like an intrusive thought/urge yet doing it “promises” freedom from anxiety. I get how that part sounds like a compulsion but is it possible for a compulsion to also be an intrusive thought/urge? For example, with my other harm thoughts: stab boyfriend is the urge, according to my OCD, I’ll feel relief if I just do it, “get it over with.” It feels like I’m delaying the inevitable. I’m sorry if I sound slightly crazy, I know it’s not my job to figure out why these thoughts are there and if their promises are true. I don’t ever want to act on them, but I do want to figure out what is a compulsion and what is an intrusive urge/thought. Is that allowed? Figuring out a lot of my compulsions has helped me resist them because I know what they are and that seems to have improved me :). It’s just this specific thing that comes back to bite me in the butt every day. I would guess I’m still doing a compulsion, but if the action of googling it is the compulsion, and I’ve been able to resist it so far and plan to keep it that way, why hasn’t the urge calmed down in over a month? I’m sorry I know I’m writing a lot but I really just have my head spinning right now. My therapist wasn’t too sure but again, I’m her first OCD client. Any thoughts, I would greatly appreciate. But thank you again for commenting, it means a lot that you took time out of your day to help me.

@isshpra 🫶🏻 I litterly had this urge last 2 months ago omg!!! I relate to this so much I was so depressed...

@isshpra 🫶🏻 I litterly did the same thing.... and thankfully the urge did pass but sometimes it still comes back I litterly had to do compulsions for the urges to stop and go away

@🦈🤍🫧ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ🫧🤍🦈 No way, I thought I was alone in this. Omg do you know how much relief it gave me to know I’m not the only one who’s had this? Thank you so much for sharing. Did you just sit with it? Time helped?

@isshpra 🫶🏻 OCD is tricky because we do what we "have to do" thinking it's the solution, but it only sinks us deeper in to the cycle. I'm not sure doing it to get it over with is the best approach. ERP therapy is about retraining our brains. Since birth our brains have formed pathways based on experiences and exposures and also habit and routine. The good news is, new pathways can be formed. It takes work, that's what an ERP therapist should do, make us do the work. This is why we spin and spin and spin, because we're never literally forced out of it. It's wild and amazing how our brains work. I'm always happy to offer encouragement and hope to someone. Thank you for allowing me. I'm not an "expert", I can only speak from my own experiences. :-)

@isshpra 🫶🏻 I guess I just had to keep reminding myself that it's ocd and it's not what I truly want to do it's really hard to do because I'm still stuck.

@isshpra 🫶🏻 I had to kinda just be like no you know you don't want to do that because your ocd is making you to do it to get some relief I just keep reminding myself that it's just ocd it's ocd and not me and then it eventually passed

@Someone99 Can you tell me this I had to keep telling myself this when i did a compulsion 4 weeks ago but I don't feel anything no disgust no anxiety just nothing I've just like accepted the thoughts which is terrifying the don't even affect me anymore they pop up I guess it's because I was checking so much if I was like attracted to younger people and now if feels real because when the thoughts pop up it feels like i like them there always there and won't go away and it's like I feel like I want tonkeep thinking about them because of been obsessing and getting scared over the fact that I feel attraction but I don't its just so weird I can't even think about a guy that I like without a though like that popping in my head and then when I listen to music and daydream fantize a younger person will pop up in my head it's really horrible and I try to think of a guy but nothing is working I'm really scared.... because that's not normal at all. I just really hope my brain is numb

@Someone99 I still feel anxiety though when I wake up like I start to panick

@Someone99 And I still do compulsions to replace the thoughts bit I just feel so tired and I give up and I feel like there's no point in doing them anymore it's that bad

@🦈🤍🫧ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ🫧🤍🦈 One thing I've learned through my journey is that yes, we need to begin the process of retraining our brains as I mentioned in a previous response. When I began to notice a step in the right direction, I called it feeling "sober". It was like I was back on the ground because my mind was calming down. Equally important, build in to your life positive influences. There's a verse in the Bible that says "Flee youthful lusts, but persue righteousness, faith, love, peace..." So work on healing by getting away from negatives, but don't remain neutral, persue, work on building positives in to your life. You have values and it shows because you're bothered by these thoughts and urges towards young people. Your values will take over in time as your life is moving in the right direction. :-)

@LKRoseCity Uh, honestly I think I know what you might mean but I’m not sure I want to test it. I’ve thought about maybe there being an urge to Google something “bad” but not illegal like normal p*rn, I just I’m not super sure this is what’s happening. But I do think I know what you mean. I used to read a lot of erotica right before this. And it almost feels like the urge to go find and read erotica (something I wouldn’t want anyone finding bc that’s embarrassing) but it’s like glitching? I genuinely don’t want to goggle this harmful topic bc I can’t stomach it. It’s doesn’t even fall under regular morbidly curiosity for me, I have no interest in learning about those horrors. It feels like something is just glitching in my brain. I don’t know. It’s weird and hard to explain.