I think I have severe ocd

I dont know if I have ocd really but I think I do because I have the intrusive thoughts and I always try and do things to soothe the anxiety. I've been dealing with this for a few months and this is a debilitating cycle and I wish I wad normal. when I first spoke to my therapist about it, she said that people with ocd like to clean and count a certain amount of tiles and stuff like that. I really want to get tested because I want help but im scared that if they say I don't have ocd then that means my intrusive thoughts are true and that I'm the person that my mind makes me think I am and it scares me. I mostly deal with symptoms of pocd so I try my best to avoid kids and sometimes I won't even want to go in public because of it and I count in my head a lot and try and see if my body is reacting any kind of way. I also try and just push the thoughts a way and do research and sometimes it makes me feel better but in reality it's just a cycle and it's terrifying so can someone please comfort me or give me advice and tips to help me feel better because I really need it. I just want to get help and stop this cycle because it's slowly killing me. I don't want to be the person my head thinks I am but in my head it's just constant fear anxiety and uncertainty.

This theme always hits me the worst. It causes the most anxiety and panic. And when i’m finally doing good again it all spirals back. my panic attacks are unreal again. sometimes i get so bad my Xanax won’t even stop the anxiety. These thoughts scare the living shit out of me and cause me to have terrible depression. Recently they have been back. What if this what if that, and sometimes they aren’t even what ifs, it’s more like a demand and they terrifies me. I’ve once again gave into my compulsions and put anything and everything that cause me anxiety into my kitchen so i can feel safe. This theme scares me because it makes me feel like i want to do it or i am going to do it when i don’t. These thoughts consume me. They even say “well do you wanna live like this what if it is the easier way out”. I don’t want to hurt myself and i’m truly a happy person i’m just not understanding these thoughts and why they cause me this much pain. I’m tired if the constant panic attacks and freaking out because of it. My mind goes “what if you have ideation and not OCD”when i clearly have been diagnosed with it. I just need tips and advice i don’t want to live like this forever i’m only 17.

I haven't been officially diagnosed with OCD but when I learned more about it, I never related to anything more. A little back story: when I was younger, there were a couple of youth suicides in my area and the schools felt the need to have someone come in and talk about suicide. Well the person they had come in did a horrible job teaching it and basically made it seem like the smallest negative emotion or feeling or change in behavior made you suicidal. This ended up scaring me so much that I got horrid anxiety. Fast forward to now, Everytime I feel anxiety and panic, I fear I'm going to kill myself. Everytime I feel down and depressed, I fear I'll end it all. I'm scared to be around anything sharp because the "What if" I hurt myself comes into my mind. There are always intrusive thoughts at almost every point of the day. And it's not only for me. Everytime I hear someone being negative, I fear they will be suicidal. I know in my heart that none of this is true but it's terrifying me that it's stuck around so much that it makes me scared that maybe it is true. I've had a lot of death in my family in the past year and a half and a lot of other family drama that I'd never had before that is now also bringing up existential intrusive thoughts. And I'd never questioned anything about life before but now I get the "why is life like this?" and "does anything we do matter?" and I hate it. I don't want to think like that. I just want to go through life being able to handle things normally again. It terrifies me even right now going "what if you give up?"