I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years and before we went on holiday all I wanted was to get engaged (or so I thought, because people kept saying when are you getting married, when will you have a baby?) and I’m happy the way we are. Then on holiday my BF joked about buying me an engagement present and I had a panic attack and two whole days of worrying, “does this mean I don’t love him anymore, is there something wrong with me”, even picturing myself not being happy on my wedding day so my imagination went wild. I know deep down I don’t ever see a life without him but I feel pressured to follow the path everybody does and I’m just not ready to get married but I’m 34 and people (society) say that’s what I should be doing. I know that I do love my BF very much, we live together and have a pet, so I’m very much committed, but since then I’ve been having urges to ‘check’ I still love him, for example if we cuddle do I feel a certain way, or having constant thoughts in the third person like “she doesn’t deserve him, she is a bad person, she is lying, she doesn’t feel anything” and the thoughts whizz around constantly. I know that this is my condition but I have a wonderful relationship and I am turning cold and distant because I feel so depressed and empty most days. ?

It certainly doesn’t sound from what you say like it’s anything to do with ‘him’ more the pressure from others and maybe the pressure you are putting on yourself to feel a certain way? I remember one thing that made me think a while back was for example, what if you don’t feel happy on your wedding day? Turn it around, what if you do? How would that feel, try and think of some examples of how it would feel if you were happy? Also if it doesn’t work, you will be ok. I have to tell myself this, you always have a choice and you will always be ok, what is the worse that can happen? I’ve been seeing a counsellor for a long time, she says if it was right for you to break up then you ‘would know’. Perhaps! Also I believe (although my counsellor didn’t agree) why would I be so upset about having these feelings if I didn’t love him? When I left my first partner I knew it was right, I was confident and although I didn’t want to hurt him I didn’t really feel sadness and certainly not the scared and anxious feelings I have now

Can you get some help for therapy for CBT/ACT strategies for this?

I’ve been referred to etherapy for it the next session begins in January so I have to wait til then...

At times ive felt like that too, I’ve been lower than I ever thought i could get. Didn’t see light at the end of the tunnel and couldn’t see how I was ever going to get past feeling like it. I’ve had various types of OCD and anxiety for 10 plus years (although looking back I think I had it as a child too). I’ve been with my husband 7 years (married 4) and we have had our ups and downs, I have a son and we frequently don’t agree on how to parent. There have been many times when I’ve ‘lost control’ and going into a total melt down thinking I can’t cope with ‘this’ anymore. But we have always come out the other side and I’m so sure I love him and it scares me when I think about not being with him. My anxiety and OCD tells me that I would feel fine if I wasn’t with him, but I really don’t believe this. Anyway....When I’m really bad I make lists of things I love about him, good times when I’ve felt good, things I like to do and want to do (doesn’t have to be with him). I also try to think of now and today, the ‘future’ can make me feel scared. I have up and down times now, I am constantly scared of ‘losing control’ of myself again. (Which could mean losing him) having said that when I’m feeling well there are many times when he annoys me or I ‘don’t really like him!’, I start thinking I am a strong independent woman, I don’t need a man. But those feelings wash away and I’m happy again, enjoying a hug or looking forward to getting a text from him. In the summer I got to a point where we were arguing and disagreeing a lot and I ‘lost control’ and said ‘I can’t do this anymore’ long story short we started couples counselling and are still together and I’m glad. He knows I have anxiety and he knows he can trigger it. I am pretty rubbish at communicating with him but I am trying to improve. Currently on this site because we are talking about having a baby and I’ve gone into panic mode....how am I going to cope, what if I ‘loose control’ again. Plus all the standard ROCD questions. = nightmare!

I think the idea of it being this massive day costing loads of money and all the attention being on us, the social media pressure of the “happiest day of your life” and what if it breaks down (what if - the question always in my head). But in terms of us, we barely argue (we only really bicker and that’s if he gets impatient with me raising the same subjects a lot which is understandable, or me nagging him about something). I just want to do things when I’m ready and not because I “should”. I don’t even think when I had that panic attack it was about getting married, I think it was the shock of it being a joke and my bodily reaction that I overthought. It took away two days of my dream holiday and made me hate myself.

Whilst I don’t always agree with distractions I found what helped me was being busy. I need to break the train of constant thoughts. Work was good for me because i was busy and gradually the thoughts went away. Don’t know about you but I get scared of being back in that ‘bad place’ of feeling ‘like that’ again. I also feel a great deal of pressure about things like you do, right now with the baby question I think I feel like an immediate pressure to make a decision even though I’m scared.

Weirdly we’ve talked about having a baby and I personally feel fine with it because I know I’ll be a really good mum. But you don’t have to make an immediate decision. You can have another child when you feel ready to, or relay your thoughts to your husband about your mental health and what you would need to ensure you stay fit and well. I go back to work tomorrow after a week on holiday and the distraction will be healthy for me (but I also constantly worry about losing my job lol!). I feel when I am in the “dark place” as I call it I may ruin everything just to make the thoughts go away.

I had the same thoughts abo it ruining everything. I felt like I needed to quit my job. They really are irrational thoughts, all seemed to be linked with that need to make an immediate decision. I found with work just keep going, take it step by step. I used to tell myself just keep going, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I would do this even when crying and feeling like I was falling apart. I was forcing myself, it makes me so sad to think about it. I know how hard it is but I truly believe you will get through this and feel ok again. For me these times come back BUT I seem to be able to deal with them better each time

When I think about leaving him I don’t feel any anxiety because I know I don’t want to, I’ve tried to imagine leaving and what it would be like and I just can’t because we are both so intrinsically matched for one another. We are quite different personalities, he is pragmatic and gets on with things, doesn’t like fuss, quite straight talking, and I am a worrier and a bit “soft”, but then I have been there for him in his times of need and vice versa, plus he is the most generous person I know. So when I think about leaving I feel nothing because I know it’s not even an option to me. He says the same to me, what if you turn the thought on it’s head, and think more positively? I am a negative person because I’ve been used to feeling negative for so many years, since I was about 22, and now I have a great job and a house, a pet and a loving BF and I think my anxiety likes to pick holes in things, I am not good at distracting and always think because I’ve thought it, it must be true.

I think you are right about the anxiety picking, it’s almost like it enjoys it!! It’s like it’s looking for your weak point. I’ve read quite a few things about thoughts and my counsellor also said ‘they are just thoughts’ as long as you don’t act on them let them pass by. You almost need to hear them and then let them go. I quite often listen to mindfulness videos on YouTube. One says about taking the thought tying it to a balloon and watching it drift off over the hill and then pop! It’s weird but I have found it kind of works.

I don’t know if my counsellor is doing anything for me. She is very nice and I like her a lot but she doesn’t really talk to me that much, just listens. I am similar to you in that I have to know things right away. I can’t sit on decisions that make me anxious. She says that I am risk averse and I agree. So I always think if I take away what makes me feel anxious then it can’t hurt me. I tried mindfulness, I found it very hard at times because I wanted to have a mind free of thoughts and it was encouraging me to accept them. I just wanted to medicate my brain and it go away and it’s not that simple is it. It’s reassuring to know what I’m saying isn’t a load of rubbish and it does make sense to somebody!