- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y
It certainly doesn’t sound from what you say like it’s anything to do with ‘him’ more the pressure from others and maybe the pressure you are putting on yourself to feel a certain way? I remember one thing that made me think a while back was for example, what if you don’t feel happy on your wedding day? Turn it around, what if you do? How would that feel, try and think of some examples of how it would feel if you were happy? Also if it doesn’t work, you will be ok. I have to tell myself this, you always have a choice and you will always be ok, what is the worse that can happen? I’ve been seeing a counsellor for a long time, she says if it was right for you to break up then you ‘would know’. Perhaps! Also I believe (although my counsellor didn’t agree) why would I be so upset about having these feelings if I didn’t love him? When I left my first partner I knew it was right, I was confident and although I didn’t want to hurt him I didn’t really feel sadness and certainly not the scared and anxious feelings I have now
Can you get some help for therapy for CBT/ACT strategies for this?
I’ve been referred to etherapy for it the next session begins in January so I have to wait til then...
Hey, I have had the exact same feelings as you and it’s horrible. Doubt is the worse thing and anxiety can consume you. I’m 34 and have so many things I feel I should be doing but then anxiety and ROCD step in and stop me!
@Luckers What do you do to help yourself with it? There is darkness everyday for me at the moment ?
@JenLD Doubt and checking is probably the worse part. The constant checking and questions. When you hug you check if you are getting the ‘right feeling’ etc. It’s a constant cycle and I find I let it consume me and I can’t think about anything else. I also have this intense feeling of I must sort it all out NOW
At times ive felt like that too, I’ve been lower than I ever thought i could get. Didn’t see light at the end of the tunnel and couldn’t see how I was ever going to get past feeling like it. I’ve had various types of OCD and anxiety for 10 plus years (although looking back I think I had it as a child too). I’ve been with my husband 7 years (married 4) and we have had our ups and downs, I have a son and we frequently don’t agree on how to parent. There have been many times when I’ve ‘lost control’ and going into a total melt down thinking I can’t cope with ‘this’ anymore. But we have always come out the other side and I’m so sure I love him and it scares me when I think about not being with him. My anxiety and OCD tells me that I would feel fine if I wasn’t with him, but I really don’t believe this. Anyway....When I’m really bad I make lists of things I love about him, good times when I’ve felt good, things I like to do and want to do (doesn’t have to be with him). I also try to think of now and today, the ‘future’ can make me feel scared. I have up and down times now, I am constantly scared of ‘losing control’ of myself again. (Which could mean losing him) having said that when I’m feeling well there are many times when he annoys me or I ‘don’t really like him!’, I start thinking I am a strong independent woman, I don’t need a man. But those feelings wash away and I’m happy again, enjoying a hug or looking forward to getting a text from him. In the summer I got to a point where we were arguing and disagreeing a lot and I ‘lost control’ and said ‘I can’t do this anymore’ long story short we started couples counselling and are still together and I’m glad. He knows I have anxiety and he knows he can trigger it. I am pretty rubbish at communicating with him but I am trying to improve. Currently on this site because we are talking about having a baby and I’ve gone into panic mode....how am I going to cope, what if I ‘loose control’ again. Plus all the standard ROCD questions. = nightmare!
I never felt scared about getting married until we went to Florida and I had that panic attack. My OCD shows me imaginary scenarios of not being happy on my wedding day. It makes me question everything. I told him how I feel and he says he knows that I love him and there is no rush, that the thoughts I have are just an imbalance. I feel sometimes I self sabotage and that’s when I feel guilty and ashamed. I have lots of lovely things and lovely experiences with him and I often feel empty and alone, even though I’m not alone. But then we’ll cuddle, or play fight, and be silly, and I’ll lose myself and forget about it all and remember it is all okay. The future does scare me and when people pressure me to think about it I get more anxious!
@JenLD Anxiety can control us! It’s mad. I think feeing alone and lost is a big part of it. I just want the answer and for everything to go away and be ok. I just wish I could turn the thoughts off, like you say sometimes you can be doing something else and totally forget. I remember one time I was at home feeling awful, doorbell went and I answered it like I was a different person. I couldn’t understand myself it was like I was 2 people. Can you think what it is about getting married that makes you feel scared? Are there things now which you are not happy with that you would be ‘accepting forever’ if you got married?
I think the idea of it being this massive day costing loads of money and all the attention being on us, the social media pressure of the “happiest day of your life” and what if it breaks down (what if - the question always in my head). But in terms of us, we barely argue (we only really bicker and that’s if he gets impatient with me raising the same subjects a lot which is understandable, or me nagging him about something). I just want to do things when I’m ready and not because I “should”. I don’t even think when I had that panic attack it was about getting married, I think it was the shock of it being a joke and my bodily reaction that I overthought. It took away two days of my dream holiday and made me hate myself.
Whilst I don’t always agree with distractions I found what helped me was being busy. I need to break the train of constant thoughts. Work was good for me because i was busy and gradually the thoughts went away. Don’t know about you but I get scared of being back in that ‘bad place’ of feeling ‘like that’ again. I also feel a great deal of pressure about things like you do, right now with the baby question I think I feel like an immediate pressure to make a decision even though I’m scared.
Weirdly we’ve talked about having a baby and I personally feel fine with it because I know I’ll be a really good mum. But you don’t have to make an immediate decision. You can have another child when you feel ready to, or relay your thoughts to your husband about your mental health and what you would need to ensure you stay fit and well. I go back to work tomorrow after a week on holiday and the distraction will be healthy for me (but I also constantly worry about losing my job lol!). I feel when I am in the “dark place” as I call it I may ruin everything just to make the thoughts go away.
I had the same thoughts abo it ruining everything. I felt like I needed to quit my job. They really are irrational thoughts, all seemed to be linked with that need to make an immediate decision. I found with work just keep going, take it step by step. I used to tell myself just keep going, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I would do this even when crying and feeling like I was falling apart. I was forcing myself, it makes me so sad to think about it. I know how hard it is but I truly believe you will get through this and feel ok again. For me these times come back BUT I seem to be able to deal with them better each time
When I think about leaving him I don’t feel any anxiety because I know I don’t want to, I’ve tried to imagine leaving and what it would be like and I just can’t because we are both so intrinsically matched for one another. We are quite different personalities, he is pragmatic and gets on with things, doesn’t like fuss, quite straight talking, and I am a worrier and a bit “soft”, but then I have been there for him in his times of need and vice versa, plus he is the most generous person I know. So when I think about leaving I feel nothing because I know it’s not even an option to me. He says the same to me, what if you turn the thought on it’s head, and think more positively? I am a negative person because I’ve been used to feeling negative for so many years, since I was about 22, and now I have a great job and a house, a pet and a loving BF and I think my anxiety likes to pick holes in things, I am not good at distracting and always think because I’ve thought it, it must be true.
I think you are right about the anxiety picking, it’s almost like it enjoys it!! It’s like it’s looking for your weak point. I’ve read quite a few things about thoughts and my counsellor also said ‘they are just thoughts’ as long as you don’t act on them let them pass by. You almost need to hear them and then let them go. I quite often listen to mindfulness videos on YouTube. One says about taking the thought tying it to a balloon and watching it drift off over the hill and then pop! It’s weird but I have found it kind of works.
I don’t know if my counsellor is doing anything for me. She is very nice and I like her a lot but she doesn’t really talk to me that much, just listens. I am similar to you in that I have to know things right away. I can’t sit on decisions that make me anxious. She says that I am risk averse and I agree. So I always think if I take away what makes me feel anxious then it can’t hurt me. I tried mindfulness, I found it very hard at times because I wanted to have a mind free of thoughts and it was encouraging me to accept them. I just wanted to medicate my brain and it go away and it’s not that simple is it. It’s reassuring to know what I’m saying isn’t a load of rubbish and it does make sense to somebody!
I realized I’ve depended a lot on my boyfriend for comfort through my ocd, and I’m starting to feel like even before my ocd I was paying more attention to the relationship itself more than him, or the attachment: even though I remember distinct feelings of me wanting to be with him forever, and feeling so happy and complete with him, time didn’t exist, I felt like my most authentic self. So now I’m trying to create a healthy attachment and see him as his own person, which was helping at first, but now it feels as if I’m seeing that I don’t actually love him for him, the thought of moving forward in life without him breaks my heart and I don’t want to but my mind keeps telling me that I want it because of the attachment. He’s the exact type of person and partner I would want but it feels like whatever I feel is not enough.. But I DO experience moments of affection and care and admiration for him but they don’t last long..before I started making this shift in perspective even with the ocd I was still so sure and confident in moving forward with him, I felt so much like I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. But now that I’ve made this shift it feels like I’m seeing him from a whole different place. Like all those good and happy feelings I had for him are gone now and I don’t have any confidence in what I want anymore. Before I did feel confident that I wanted to be with him but now it feels like there’s this wall between him and me :( I want to be with him I know I do, because even now I still feel the desire to keep going, but I can’t see the future anymore or the confidence to keep going. I was never much of a future thinker, even in my personal life but this feels like added proof I feel like I’m alone in this like no one else has this situation and the chances for me to realize after I recover that I don’t actually love him are so much higher 💔
I feel so lost. My boyfriend tries so hard to help me, but nothing seems to work. Every time he reassures me, my mind finds another doubt. He asks me, “So you’ve been questioning if you love me for almost 2 years?” and instead of feeling comforted, my mind jumps to “Maybe I just can’t accept that I don’t love him.” I keep telling him every thought that comes to my mind, hoping for relief, but it never lasts. I feel anxious, disconnected, and stuck in this endless cycle. He tells me that if I truly didn’t love him, I wouldn’t care so much about these thoughts. But still, my brain won’t stop questioning everything. I don’t understand why I feel this way. Why does it feel like I’m forcing something? Why do I feel like I can’t just know how I feel? I want to feel okay. I want to be present with him without analyzing every moment. But no matter what I do, my mind keeps telling me “What if you don’t love him?” I feel like I’m stuck between wanting clarity and being terrified of what that clarity might mean. It feels so real, and I hate it. I don’t know what to do.
Longish post but please stick with me. Hi everyone. I’m just looking for a bit of insight and if anyone else has felt this. It may sound strange and I’ve not had the courage to ask this for a while…. So I’ve been with my partner (27M) for almost 3 years now, I’m (24F). He recently proposed which I was not expecting so soon. We always joked about it and when he said he looked at rings I was happy. I knew it was coming at some point but not so soon. When it happened it’s immensely triggered my ROCD. And I’m struggling with something in particular, I just want to know if anyone else has experienced it/ what the root cause could be so that I can work on it……. When he proposed it’s like my brain put a time stamp on our relationship. All of a sudden I’m counting the days of my relationship/how long I’ve been in one. It’s like my brain is “keeping track” of the amount of days/weeks that I have a relationship. It’s like my brain wants to be in a relationship for a very long time IMMEDIATELY, which is of course not possible. It’s like my brain is saying “you have to break up with him because you haven’t been together a while yet”. It makes it feel like time is going so slowly. I see couples together for 6/7years prior to my age/time and just think “how did they do it”? Same with married couples. It’s like I think “they’re lucky I wish I was at that many years already”. But at the same time, the thought of being with someone for a long time makes me feel anxious and sick and like I have to “escape” or “get out” urgently. I’ve struggled with this particularly for a month now and am just wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or similar? Or can anyone offer insight into what this really could be deep down/root causes, as I REALLY want to figure out why and where it’s coming from. Sorry for the long post. Advice appreciated ❤️✨
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond