- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
It certainly doesn’t sound from what you say like it’s anything to do with ‘him’ more the pressure from others and maybe the pressure you are putting on yourself to feel a certain way? I remember one thing that made me think a while back was for example, what if you don’t feel happy on your wedding day? Turn it around, what if you do? How would that feel, try and think of some examples of how it would feel if you were happy? Also if it doesn’t work, you will be ok. I have to tell myself this, you always have a choice and you will always be ok, what is the worse that can happen? I’ve been seeing a counsellor for a long time, she says if it was right for you to break up then you ‘would know’. Perhaps! Also I believe (although my counsellor didn’t agree) why would I be so upset about having these feelings if I didn’t love him? When I left my first partner I knew it was right, I was confident and although I didn’t want to hurt him I didn’t really feel sadness and certainly not the scared and anxious feelings I have now
Can you get some help for therapy for CBT/ACT strategies for this?
I’ve been referred to etherapy for it the next session begins in January so I have to wait til then...
Hey, I have had the exact same feelings as you and it’s horrible. Doubt is the worse thing and anxiety can consume you. I’m 34 and have so many things I feel I should be doing but then anxiety and ROCD step in and stop me!
@Luckers What do you do to help yourself with it? There is darkness everyday for me at the moment ?
@JenLD Doubt and checking is probably the worse part. The constant checking and questions. When you hug you check if you are getting the ‘right feeling’ etc. It’s a constant cycle and I find I let it consume me and I can’t think about anything else. I also have this intense feeling of I must sort it all out NOW
At times ive felt like that too, I’ve been lower than I ever thought i could get. Didn’t see light at the end of the tunnel and couldn’t see how I was ever going to get past feeling like it. I’ve had various types of OCD and anxiety for 10 plus years (although looking back I think I had it as a child too). I’ve been with my husband 7 years (married 4) and we have had our ups and downs, I have a son and we frequently don’t agree on how to parent. There have been many times when I’ve ‘lost control’ and going into a total melt down thinking I can’t cope with ‘this’ anymore. But we have always come out the other side and I’m so sure I love him and it scares me when I think about not being with him. My anxiety and OCD tells me that I would feel fine if I wasn’t with him, but I really don’t believe this. Anyway....When I’m really bad I make lists of things I love about him, good times when I’ve felt good, things I like to do and want to do (doesn’t have to be with him). I also try to think of now and today, the ‘future’ can make me feel scared. I have up and down times now, I am constantly scared of ‘losing control’ of myself again. (Which could mean losing him) having said that when I’m feeling well there are many times when he annoys me or I ‘don’t really like him!’, I start thinking I am a strong independent woman, I don’t need a man. But those feelings wash away and I’m happy again, enjoying a hug or looking forward to getting a text from him. In the summer I got to a point where we were arguing and disagreeing a lot and I ‘lost control’ and said ‘I can’t do this anymore’ long story short we started couples counselling and are still together and I’m glad. He knows I have anxiety and he knows he can trigger it. I am pretty rubbish at communicating with him but I am trying to improve. Currently on this site because we are talking about having a baby and I’ve gone into panic mode....how am I going to cope, what if I ‘loose control’ again. Plus all the standard ROCD questions. = nightmare!
I never felt scared about getting married until we went to Florida and I had that panic attack. My OCD shows me imaginary scenarios of not being happy on my wedding day. It makes me question everything. I told him how I feel and he says he knows that I love him and there is no rush, that the thoughts I have are just an imbalance. I feel sometimes I self sabotage and that’s when I feel guilty and ashamed. I have lots of lovely things and lovely experiences with him and I often feel empty and alone, even though I’m not alone. But then we’ll cuddle, or play fight, and be silly, and I’ll lose myself and forget about it all and remember it is all okay. The future does scare me and when people pressure me to think about it I get more anxious!
@JenLD Anxiety can control us! It’s mad. I think feeing alone and lost is a big part of it. I just want the answer and for everything to go away and be ok. I just wish I could turn the thoughts off, like you say sometimes you can be doing something else and totally forget. I remember one time I was at home feeling awful, doorbell went and I answered it like I was a different person. I couldn’t understand myself it was like I was 2 people. Can you think what it is about getting married that makes you feel scared? Are there things now which you are not happy with that you would be ‘accepting forever’ if you got married?
I think the idea of it being this massive day costing loads of money and all the attention being on us, the social media pressure of the “happiest day of your life” and what if it breaks down (what if - the question always in my head). But in terms of us, we barely argue (we only really bicker and that’s if he gets impatient with me raising the same subjects a lot which is understandable, or me nagging him about something). I just want to do things when I’m ready and not because I “should”. I don’t even think when I had that panic attack it was about getting married, I think it was the shock of it being a joke and my bodily reaction that I overthought. It took away two days of my dream holiday and made me hate myself.
Whilst I don’t always agree with distractions I found what helped me was being busy. I need to break the train of constant thoughts. Work was good for me because i was busy and gradually the thoughts went away. Don’t know about you but I get scared of being back in that ‘bad place’ of feeling ‘like that’ again. I also feel a great deal of pressure about things like you do, right now with the baby question I think I feel like an immediate pressure to make a decision even though I’m scared.
Weirdly we’ve talked about having a baby and I personally feel fine with it because I know I’ll be a really good mum. But you don’t have to make an immediate decision. You can have another child when you feel ready to, or relay your thoughts to your husband about your mental health and what you would need to ensure you stay fit and well. I go back to work tomorrow after a week on holiday and the distraction will be healthy for me (but I also constantly worry about losing my job lol!). I feel when I am in the “dark place” as I call it I may ruin everything just to make the thoughts go away.
I had the same thoughts abo it ruining everything. I felt like I needed to quit my job. They really are irrational thoughts, all seemed to be linked with that need to make an immediate decision. I found with work just keep going, take it step by step. I used to tell myself just keep going, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I would do this even when crying and feeling like I was falling apart. I was forcing myself, it makes me so sad to think about it. I know how hard it is but I truly believe you will get through this and feel ok again. For me these times come back BUT I seem to be able to deal with them better each time
When I think about leaving him I don’t feel any anxiety because I know I don’t want to, I’ve tried to imagine leaving and what it would be like and I just can’t because we are both so intrinsically matched for one another. We are quite different personalities, he is pragmatic and gets on with things, doesn’t like fuss, quite straight talking, and I am a worrier and a bit “soft”, but then I have been there for him in his times of need and vice versa, plus he is the most generous person I know. So when I think about leaving I feel nothing because I know it’s not even an option to me. He says the same to me, what if you turn the thought on it’s head, and think more positively? I am a negative person because I’ve been used to feeling negative for so many years, since I was about 22, and now I have a great job and a house, a pet and a loving BF and I think my anxiety likes to pick holes in things, I am not good at distracting and always think because I’ve thought it, it must be true.
I think you are right about the anxiety picking, it’s almost like it enjoys it!! It’s like it’s looking for your weak point. I’ve read quite a few things about thoughts and my counsellor also said ‘they are just thoughts’ as long as you don’t act on them let them pass by. You almost need to hear them and then let them go. I quite often listen to mindfulness videos on YouTube. One says about taking the thought tying it to a balloon and watching it drift off over the hill and then pop! It’s weird but I have found it kind of works.
I don’t know if my counsellor is doing anything for me. She is very nice and I like her a lot but she doesn’t really talk to me that much, just listens. I am similar to you in that I have to know things right away. I can’t sit on decisions that make me anxious. She says that I am risk averse and I agree. So I always think if I take away what makes me feel anxious then it can’t hurt me. I tried mindfulness, I found it very hard at times because I wanted to have a mind free of thoughts and it was encouraging me to accept them. I just wanted to medicate my brain and it go away and it’s not that simple is it. It’s reassuring to know what I’m saying isn’t a load of rubbish and it does make sense to somebody!
Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off
I’m 25 and never ever thought this before my soocd relapse. I have a bf of 5 years. Never been a high libido kinda girl. Don’t get me wrong I do get turned on by my bf but not like every day you know? - That had always been in the back of my head, is this normal and ok? But my ocd has latched onto the most scariest what if EVER. My brain is now saying How do you know you won’t prefer to sleep and kiss girls if you haven’t tried it: and it’s that unknown that is scaring the shit out of me. I DONT AND NEVER HAVE wanted to sleep / kiss a girl. But now my intrusive thoughts is all I think about!!! I don’t want I don’t want I don’t want??? So why does my brain think BUT WHAT IF??? I know ocd thrives off uncertainty which is why I think this is happening? But I don’t wanna find out or work it out because all I want is to be with my bf and marry him!! Is this just the epitome of OCD?
I’ve been struggling with something that’s been really overwhelming, and I’m hoping to get some perspective from others here. I feel a lot of guilt about it, and I’m not sure if I’m alone in this experience. Lately, I’ve found myself daydreaming about romantic situations or getting caught up in ‘what if’ scenarios—where I wonder if I could develop feelings for someone else, or if someone develops feelings for me. The thing is, I’m in a relationship that I love, and I don’t want to act on these thoughts at all. What makes it even harder is that these thoughts often hyperfixate on one specific friend, and sometimes they feel entertaining or give me a dopamine rush. But then, of course, I feel even more guilty because it makes me feel like I’m betraying my boyfriend. These thoughts usually happen when I’m upset and looking for comfort, but then they morph into romantic scenarios, which makes me feel so disloyal. I’m constantly going back and forth between feeling curious or entertained by the thoughts and then feeling horrible for even allowing them to happen in the first place. I keep confessing these thoughts to my boyfriend, and he tries to be understanding. He’s just never been the type to daydream, so he doesn’t know if this is something other people experience or if it’s just me. I feel like such an awful girlfriend. Has anyone else dealt with something like this?
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