- Username
- ChellyBoo
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
It certainly doesn’t sound from what you say like it’s anything to do with ‘him’ more the pressure from others and maybe the pressure you are putting on yourself to feel a certain way? I remember one thing that made me think a while back was for example, what if you don’t feel happy on your wedding day? Turn it around, what if you do? How would that feel, try and think of some examples of how it would feel if you were happy? Also if it doesn’t work, you will be ok. I have to tell myself this, you always have a choice and you will always be ok, what is the worse that can happen? I’ve been seeing a counsellor for a long time, she says if it was right for you to break up then you ‘would know’. Perhaps! Also I believe (although my counsellor didn’t agree) why would I be so upset about having these feelings if I didn’t love him? When I left my first partner I knew it was right, I was confident and although I didn’t want to hurt him I didn’t really feel sadness and certainly not the scared and anxious feelings I have now
Can you get some help for therapy for CBT/ACT strategies for this?
I’ve been referred to etherapy for it the next session begins in January so I have to wait til then...
Hey, I have had the exact same feelings as you and it’s horrible. Doubt is the worse thing and anxiety can consume you. I’m 34 and have so many things I feel I should be doing but then anxiety and ROCD step in and stop me!
@Luckers What do you do to help yourself with it? There is darkness everyday for me at the moment ?
@JenLD Doubt and checking is probably the worse part. The constant checking and questions. When you hug you check if you are getting the ‘right feeling’ etc. It’s a constant cycle and I find I let it consume me and I can’t think about anything else. I also have this intense feeling of I must sort it all out NOW
At times ive felt like that too, I’ve been lower than I ever thought i could get. Didn’t see light at the end of the tunnel and couldn’t see how I was ever going to get past feeling like it. I’ve had various types of OCD and anxiety for 10 plus years (although looking back I think I had it as a child too). I’ve been with my husband 7 years (married 4) and we have had our ups and downs, I have a son and we frequently don’t agree on how to parent. There have been many times when I’ve ‘lost control’ and going into a total melt down thinking I can’t cope with ‘this’ anymore. But we have always come out the other side and I’m so sure I love him and it scares me when I think about not being with him. My anxiety and OCD tells me that I would feel fine if I wasn’t with him, but I really don’t believe this. Anyway....When I’m really bad I make lists of things I love about him, good times when I’ve felt good, things I like to do and want to do (doesn’t have to be with him). I also try to think of now and today, the ‘future’ can make me feel scared. I have up and down times now, I am constantly scared of ‘losing control’ of myself again. (Which could mean losing him) having said that when I’m feeling well there are many times when he annoys me or I ‘don’t really like him!’, I start thinking I am a strong independent woman, I don’t need a man. But those feelings wash away and I’m happy again, enjoying a hug or looking forward to getting a text from him. In the summer I got to a point where we were arguing and disagreeing a lot and I ‘lost control’ and said ‘I can’t do this anymore’ long story short we started couples counselling and are still together and I’m glad. He knows I have anxiety and he knows he can trigger it. I am pretty rubbish at communicating with him but I am trying to improve. Currently on this site because we are talking about having a baby and I’ve gone into panic mode....how am I going to cope, what if I ‘loose control’ again. Plus all the standard ROCD questions. = nightmare!
I never felt scared about getting married until we went to Florida and I had that panic attack. My OCD shows me imaginary scenarios of not being happy on my wedding day. It makes me question everything. I told him how I feel and he says he knows that I love him and there is no rush, that the thoughts I have are just an imbalance. I feel sometimes I self sabotage and that’s when I feel guilty and ashamed. I have lots of lovely things and lovely experiences with him and I often feel empty and alone, even though I’m not alone. But then we’ll cuddle, or play fight, and be silly, and I’ll lose myself and forget about it all and remember it is all okay. The future does scare me and when people pressure me to think about it I get more anxious!
@JenLD Anxiety can control us! It’s mad. I think feeing alone and lost is a big part of it. I just want the answer and for everything to go away and be ok. I just wish I could turn the thoughts off, like you say sometimes you can be doing something else and totally forget. I remember one time I was at home feeling awful, doorbell went and I answered it like I was a different person. I couldn’t understand myself it was like I was 2 people. Can you think what it is about getting married that makes you feel scared? Are there things now which you are not happy with that you would be ‘accepting forever’ if you got married?
I think the idea of it being this massive day costing loads of money and all the attention being on us, the social media pressure of the “happiest day of your life” and what if it breaks down (what if - the question always in my head). But in terms of us, we barely argue (we only really bicker and that’s if he gets impatient with me raising the same subjects a lot which is understandable, or me nagging him about something). I just want to do things when I’m ready and not because I “should”. I don’t even think when I had that panic attack it was about getting married, I think it was the shock of it being a joke and my bodily reaction that I overthought. It took away two days of my dream holiday and made me hate myself.
Whilst I don’t always agree with distractions I found what helped me was being busy. I need to break the train of constant thoughts. Work was good for me because i was busy and gradually the thoughts went away. Don’t know about you but I get scared of being back in that ‘bad place’ of feeling ‘like that’ again. I also feel a great deal of pressure about things like you do, right now with the baby question I think I feel like an immediate pressure to make a decision even though I’m scared.
Weirdly we’ve talked about having a baby and I personally feel fine with it because I know I’ll be a really good mum. But you don’t have to make an immediate decision. You can have another child when you feel ready to, or relay your thoughts to your husband about your mental health and what you would need to ensure you stay fit and well. I go back to work tomorrow after a week on holiday and the distraction will be healthy for me (but I also constantly worry about losing my job lol!). I feel when I am in the “dark place” as I call it I may ruin everything just to make the thoughts go away.
I had the same thoughts abo it ruining everything. I felt like I needed to quit my job. They really are irrational thoughts, all seemed to be linked with that need to make an immediate decision. I found with work just keep going, take it step by step. I used to tell myself just keep going, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I would do this even when crying and feeling like I was falling apart. I was forcing myself, it makes me so sad to think about it. I know how hard it is but I truly believe you will get through this and feel ok again. For me these times come back BUT I seem to be able to deal with them better each time
When I think about leaving him I don’t feel any anxiety because I know I don’t want to, I’ve tried to imagine leaving and what it would be like and I just can’t because we are both so intrinsically matched for one another. We are quite different personalities, he is pragmatic and gets on with things, doesn’t like fuss, quite straight talking, and I am a worrier and a bit “soft”, but then I have been there for him in his times of need and vice versa, plus he is the most generous person I know. So when I think about leaving I feel nothing because I know it’s not even an option to me. He says the same to me, what if you turn the thought on it’s head, and think more positively? I am a negative person because I’ve been used to feeling negative for so many years, since I was about 22, and now I have a great job and a house, a pet and a loving BF and I think my anxiety likes to pick holes in things, I am not good at distracting and always think because I’ve thought it, it must be true.
I think you are right about the anxiety picking, it’s almost like it enjoys it!! It’s like it’s looking for your weak point. I’ve read quite a few things about thoughts and my counsellor also said ‘they are just thoughts’ as long as you don’t act on them let them pass by. You almost need to hear them and then let them go. I quite often listen to mindfulness videos on YouTube. One says about taking the thought tying it to a balloon and watching it drift off over the hill and then pop! It’s weird but I have found it kind of works.
I don’t know if my counsellor is doing anything for me. She is very nice and I like her a lot but she doesn’t really talk to me that much, just listens. I am similar to you in that I have to know things right away. I can’t sit on decisions that make me anxious. She says that I am risk averse and I agree. So I always think if I take away what makes me feel anxious then it can’t hurt me. I tried mindfulness, I found it very hard at times because I wanted to have a mind free of thoughts and it was encouraging me to accept them. I just wanted to medicate my brain and it go away and it’s not that simple is it. It’s reassuring to know what I’m saying isn’t a load of rubbish and it does make sense to somebody!
I feel horrible. I feel like I treat my boyfriend as if I don't care for him or our relationship, like its something new and foreign as if we haven't been together for 3+ years. I walk past a guy and pick up on his looks then feel like a cheater. And when I consider my own boyfriend, I try to rationalize my thoughts, reassure myself of my feelings for my boyfriend, all the while feeling completely and utterly disconnected not only from him and our relationship but from myself. I feel like the voice and thoughts and feelings I have a lot of times aren't me. I feel like I'm trying to fit in wherever I go. I feel stuck, tired, and drained. I'm depressed and then I'm anxious, always low with a few highs and not the good kind. My head hurts, my body hurts, everything hurts, but especially the guilty I carry for feeling like I'm wasting my own time and life and my partners time. I feel like I'm convincing myself that I like him, that I care for him, but somehow my mind always tells me he's my forever and I want him to be but it doesn't FEEL like that inside me and it's so hard dealing with 2 opposing thoughts of that level. I am so lost. I don't know what to do. Every day, I feel the much more like I'm out of touch from our relationship. It's been years and I'm still like this, and it makes me wonder whether this ocd shit is all in my head and really I'm just running from something I don't want to accept. But I don't want it to be like that, but it just doesn't make any sense. Even saying that the ocd is making me second guess myself feels like a lie. I am so fucking lost.
This is just kind of a rant but any encouragement would be so much appreciated, thank you ❤️ I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is incredible, kind, funny, smart, hardworking, so so loving-just an extremely good person. In 2021 I developed or at least recognized my OCD. I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, anxiety and depression, definitely quite the list. Each of these conditions mingle with each other and make life very difficult at times. At the beginning it centered around me being a bad person but slowly grew to be relationship OCD. I have fears that I don’t really love him, I’m not actually attracted to him, I’m going to cheat on him, he doesn’t make me happy or that he would be better without me and is a better person than me. Lately I have this fear that one day not to far away he will prepose to me and I won’t be excited. Or that he will feel more for me then I do for him, or that I will have to fake my excitement. I have this vision of myself feeling nothing when he asks me and having to fake it. It’s just such a sickening thought to imagine not feeling the intense joy I always knew I would feel if he proposed to me. It’s so strange because before I had bad OCD I used to dream of that day, I would ask if he thought he might prepose to me one day and if his answer wasn’t certain enough I would feel very sad. It’s terrible because I’ll get depressed and feel nothing positive for any aspect of the world-including my relationship, but OCD will take that and twist it into me not feeling anything positive for him. Which will in turn make me feel more depressed. You ever just want to hide and pause the world for a little while so you can catch your breath? It feels like the weeks go by so slowly but still suddenly I’m nearly grown up.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he is an absolute angel. All throughout the relationship I would have nightmares and intrusive thoughts “what if he leaves/cheats”. And he would reassure me and treat me like the world revolves around me. Lately I’m realizing this was actually ocd and not anxiety as I had previously thought. I would get paranoid if he didn’t check his messages for a couple hours, I’d get anxious if I saw an ambulance heading toward his street while I was driving, I would ask for reassurance that he loved me constantly. Bear in mind, I have no reason to have these fears. My boyfriend is my best friend and has supported me through thick and thin and he’s amazing. One time a couple months ago I was being a bit snappy with him one night and I had the thought “only people who don’t like their partners are snappy with them” and it just stuck. Now I struggle with intrusive thoughts about my own feelings, do I love him, do I miss him enough, is my relationship going to end because this couple on social media broke up. I could deal with the thoughts about his feelings because he is so so good about making me feel loved but now I’m stuck in this constant guilt loop where I question my relationship for no reason then get anxious and feel guilty for even thinking that way because I think I’m manifesting it. Was wondering if anybody else in a healthy long term relationship has had this happen to them and how you talk yourself down :(
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