Has anyone experienced this or can give me any advice please?

******TW for POCD****** I’ve been struggling with a specific intrusive thought lately, and it’s been making me feel really scared, especially in the mornings when my anxiety is highest. I often give into compulsions during this time, and this particular thought makes me feel like something harmful is already on my phone, even though I know that’s not true. OCD keeps telling me that because I’ve given into compulsions in the past, I’ll eventually give in to this urge too, and that really scares me. It’s making me distrust myself on my devices (phone, computer, iPad). I came across a post that mentioned famous images I find very disturbing (POCD-wise). Initially, I thought it was just morbid curiosity making me want to look more into it, but the urge to search was very strong, and I didn’t give in. After some time, I realized that this might actually be OCD because I had moments where I recognized I didn’t really want to search for more. It felt like a test to see if I would follow through with the compulsion. The most I researched was asking a chat AI whether something like this actually existed—just seeking confirmation, not further details. However, the AI provided a name, and that name started looping in my head. One morning, I woke up with the urge to search for it, thinking it would lead to harmless results. Thankfully, that’s what happened, but now I realize searching for the name was also a compulsion. It felt like I was checking to make sure harmful material wasn’t easily accessible or that I wouldn’t accidentally come across it. The thought keeps looping in my mind, and I’m really scared that if I acted on it, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I know it’s an intrusive thought, but it feels so real that I keep doubting myself. My compulsions seem like safety behaviors, but they make the fear worse, almost like I’m getting closer to something terrible each time. This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten the urge to search for things I know I shouldn’t. They feel like intrusive thoughts that I resist, but sometimes I start considering acting on them just to “get it over with.” I realize now that would only make things worse. My mind also spams ideas of what I could look up to find it. For example, if I wanted to look up something like a banana, random phrases like “yellow fruit” or “fruit known for potassium” pop into my mind. Alongside that, I keep feeling the urge to read more about this topic. It almost feels like a normal curiosity, but I’m still unsure if I should trust it. The hardest part is how consuming the fear feels. I feel nauseous and overwhelmed, and although I’ve been trying to sit with the discomfort, it’s really hard. I’ve also found myself imagining looking it up, which I think is a form of testing myself or possibly an intrusive thought. It feels like I’m getting closer to acting on it, which is really overwhelming. This whole experience has been really scary. It initially felt like curiosity, but I’m afraid I might have acted on it if I hadn’t stopped myself or talked to my bf about it. I’m scared I’ll lose control or eventually give in, even though deep down, I don’t want to. It feels like OCD is convincing me otherwise. The constant doubt and fear are making it hard to focus on anything else. Can anyone please help me? I feel like I’m dying, I wish I had never learned of this

nae nae

Date posted: 33w

I've had the exact same fear, especially with feeling like you might act on it like a compulsion. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with these thoughts and feelings. They're so uncomfortable and can stir a lot of doubt. It was really bad for me for about a week or so, and I felt like I'd lose control of myself and give into that "urge," but I'm still here. I haven't searched for anything, and the "urge" isn't really there now. It's sort of faded. If I think about it too much, it feels like it might come back, so I've been trying not to trigger anything (for me it was triggered by someone's post of them searching for that content). But if it does, I know to just sit with the uncomfortable feeling and wait for it to pass. It's okay to feel. It's okay to cry if you need to or vent to someone, but these thoughts and feelings are not a reflection of you as a person. You aren't alone in dealing with this. I've seen a couple of people talk about having the same fear on here. I understand that feeling of wishing you never came across the thing that triggered those thoughts... I don't know how many times I've wished I could go back in time and change things, but sadly, we can't. We'll have to learn how to move forward from where we are now. Finding a healthy distraction has helped me a lot, whether that's going on a walk, journaling, spending time with loved ones, or working out. It really does help a lot... You can't let the thoughts hold you back from living life. It was really hard for me, but I'd force myself to go for a walk and journal every day. It got to a point where I didn't even want to spend time with my family because I was just so in my head, but I tried my best to focus on the present moment... I hope you'll be able to do the same. I'm so sorry we're both going through this, but if you ever need to talk or anything, I'll be here! We're in this together. :)

Em2003

Date posted: 33w

@nae nae I’m glad yours has kinda passed. Mine is still very much there and I feel so scared. I talked to my therapist about this today and she actually considered having me google the bad stuff in a later session and sitting with the discomfort of having done it. That felt petrifying and triggering but I’m trying to trust her. I’ve had urges like this for months now and they don’t ever seem to lessen so her idea is to desensitize me to searching things. I don’t know. I feel super anxious about this. I’m terrified :((

nae nae

Date posted: 33w

@Em2003 I'm really sorry it's been this bad for you for months on end. I can understand why the idea your therapist posed is triggering for you. I'd be hesitant as well, but if it's an exposure you end up doing in the future, at least it'll have been with the guidance of a therapist so you aren't alone in doing so. I really, really hope you're able to find some relief from all of this. I know how overwhelming and exhausting it is and how horrible it can make you feel about yourself in general. Hang in there. :(

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 19w

I’m freaking out please help

I don’t know if my hormones are extra wild this month or what, but I have been having so many POCD thoughts lately. It feels like I enjoy them in the moment, and then a few seconds later, I get this tiny flicker of *wait I don’t think I actually want to enjoy that.* It’s scaring me a lot. I was watching adult videos for the first time in about a year, since I had been avoiding them because of my OCD. I know they are not good for anyone, but I felt like i could (ironically it felt like a tiny win that my OCD had calmed down enough). But while watching, I had like 3 separate POCD thoughts. And it felt like I liked them. Like genuinely *liked* them. I don’t know if maybe my body was mixing up physical pleasure and mental pleasure, and then my brain inserted those not okay thoughts into the situation, which got tangled up with the pleasure responses I felt mentally and physically. It is all really confusing. I just feel so scared. I know OCD thoughts are supposed to feel real, and that once you get desensitized to the anxiety, they lose their power. But this feels like I am *actually enjoying* the thoughts, and that makes me want to cry. I’m scared that I actually like these thoughts when I’m really aroused :( Please help.

happygirl15

Date posted: 11w

POCD/ Intrusive thoughts & Images

so I’ve been seeking therapy for my OCD for a few years. The theme that I’ve been dealing with most recently is the fear of becoming a pedophile, which then has led to intrusive images of me doing things to kids.Which now is just causing me so much distress and 24/7 constant thought cycle. I am starting to not be able to tell the difference between thoughts that are wanted/ unwanted- the line has become some blurry and these things are starting to feel like someothing i want to do. My brain keeps telling me to just test these thoughts and the “maybe”or”i don’t know” isn’t working. This has become such a barrier because the second layer is that I’m afraid that if I just let the thoughts be there it’ll make me be OK with doing those things and the fear is what’s keeping me from actually doing something inappropriate. It’s also transitioned into intrusive thoughts and images of me doing something very disgusting to my dog and that when I’m cuddling with him I get the thoughts to just do it or try it to see if i am actually a p*do. it’s almost like the compulsion would be to do the inappropriate thing, even though I know it’s wrong just to see how it would make me feel. I feel like i can’t control these urges even though i’ve never acted on it. At any point i could just do it. I’ve never had these thoughts before up until about a year and a half ago when my friend‘s boyfriend got arrested for soliciting a minor then all these thoughts came to life.Has anyone experienced something like this and have any advice?

POCD

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 7w

So distressed plz help :( 18+

*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔

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Has anyone experienced this or can give me any advice please?

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