I’m feeling really scared

*****TW***** I keep remembering an interaction I had with a person who reached out to give advice on OCD. *****TW***** They ended up dumping the fact that they searched for illegal content to the point where they got arrested months later. This person claimed OCD but I really think there was more to it. I felt horrified when I learned what they did. I really doubt they simply typed into google. They most likely made a lot of effort to find this illegal stuff. I can rationalize that much, but I still feel so scared that this is possibility for me. Sure, I’m impulsive and my compulsions are super hard to resist but I think I have strong morals. I don’t ever want to become that person. Ever. I’m so scared. I’m panicking and maybe it’s the new medicine I’m on but I would really appreciate some support. I think it’s my OCD convincing me I’ll become that person eventually and I’m so petrified. I feel contaminated from ever interacting with such a person. I feel so scared.

anxious artist

Date posted: 30w

I had something like this happen to me recently and I just found out about it today. It was an ex-friend I used to talk to a month ago and it turns out he was doing something illegal online. It triggered me so badly that I had to contact my therapist right away because I got a panic attack from the fear and disgust I felt not knowing he did this. Whoever confessed that to you please block and report them right away anonymously. I cut contact as soon as I found out what he did.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 30w

@anxious artist I removed them, I can’t remember if I had blocked them or not but they had already gotten arrested. It was on Reddit. I honestly ended up deleting my account because just the thought that I interacted with someone who did that really shook me to my core. They were waiting on their court date. It was horrific to learn about. I’m so sorry it happened to you too. The fear and disgust is so surreal.

anxious artist

Date posted: 30w

@issphra 🫶🏻 - I also met them on Reddit as well. I was going through a breakup and thought it would be a good idea to talk to someone going through the same thing, but what they didn't tell me is that their ex-girlfriend tried to blackmail them over it and he paid her to keep quiet, which left me suspicious as I already got bad vibes from him. I ghosted him long before I even know about what he did because our interactions weren't making me feel any better. Then he made a post today confessing to texting minors on Instagram and it made me sick to my core. The worst part is that he even tried to hit on me and I wasn't even interested because I just met him and now I can't even look at him the same way again. I feel like a shitty person for just talking to them, but I'm even more upset that they tried to hide it from me. Now my OCD is at an all time high right now and I don't even know what I can do to calm down.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 28w

@anxious artist I hope you’re feeling better. I really am sorry that happened to you. My whole OCD spiral was sparked from this interaction, it’s been four months and I’m still stuck trying to get better through meds and ERP.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 31w

I've actually gone through the same thing hearing about a story like that. Twice actually. It takes a lot to try and search for illegal content and it has to be many different times and very intentional. For most people, even me, I'd search for something but it would give me really disturbing results that I didn't want and had nothing to do with my search result. Is that what happened with you too?

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 31w

@BigGyro09 I haven’t searched for anything, but I’m always afraid my innocent searches will generate disturbing results. It seems to be a common thing lately, at least that’s what I’ve heard on social media. I think what happened with me was hearing a story like that scared me so much that I envisioned it and it feels more real and more of a threat than it is. I don’t think I’ll ever be capable of doing that, but the fear and possibility feel so real that just having access to a search button feels so scary right now. I hope that makes sense.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 31w

@issphra 🫶🏻 Yeah it makes sense to me. I've searched for pretty normal things but there are times where I get really disturbing results or flat out messed up results if it's a specific search engine. I don't know why, but some search engines are just worse than others. I think the worry you have says a lot about the person you are in contrast to the people who actually search for things like that, download bad things, share them with others looking for those things and don't have a care in the world.

Aphid123

Date posted: 22w

Is this even OCD?

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!

Givenup

Date posted: 16w

Pocd and anxiety

I hope someone can respond... Im genuinely so triggered and so anxious... Dr disrespect was accused of inappropriately messaging and sending explicit images to a minor, and trying to meet up with them at twitchcon... my POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ explicit HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including the minors, when I was 19, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them in private (including the minors) about my 18+ explicit HOCD struggles... one was uncomfortable by it so i stopped venting to her after she told me she was uncomfortable by it twice... the other gave me reassurance so i kept asking her for reassurance for my 18+ hocd struggles... I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way... i dont ever want to EVER be a MAP, a P, or a gro*mer in any way... I dont ever want to be what my pocd says about me... im so scared... someone said that I need help, that I need to turn myself in, and that im hiding behind a diagnosis because of this situation... i genuinely feel so hopeless... I dont ever want to ever be a monster...

sofiaraaah7

Date posted: 13w

I’m so scared

‼️Sexual Content‼️ I have a new fear that I have a paraphiliac disorder and google says that people who do have these disorders experience distress about them which scares me so bad because I feel distressed about the potential of having one so isn’t that like the same thing? I’m scared that I already have one, and the distress I’m experiencing isn’t OCD but instead a side effect of being paraphiliac. I hate this Also what’s even worse is that I don’t even feel that anxious. Like yes I am anxious but not as much as I feel like I should be and I’m relatively calm. I feel like I should be more anxious for it to be OCD and I should be more anxious when faced with the threat of being paraphiliac and even though I am anxious, it’s no where near as bad as it should be or has been in the past. What does that say about me? (I don’t want reassurance, all I want is advice to help me cope through OCD spikes) I’m so scared. I don’t want any of this. I don’t want to do paraphiliac things I don’t want to do anything that they do because those things make me uncomfortable but I feel like that’s what someone with a paraphiliac disorder would say. I am so f*cked

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I’m feeling really scared

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