- Date posted
- 30w
Worried I’m not romantic enough
Idk I feel I used to be so much more romantic with my bf before all of this but lately because of all of this I’m finding it really hard to be romantic. Even just kissing sometimes makes me nervous. I haven’t written him a love letter or poetry in 2 months or so (the last time I felt half decent for like 2 days and then it just went away cuz I started panicking again after a female friend who happens to be a lesbian gave me a Christmas gift). He bought me flowers for our 11 month and wrote me a romantic note and my brain said I don’t feel the same and I started panicking and I’m checking if I’ve been romantic today or have shown it and I have felt in love today just looking at him but fuckinf hell my brain is just blabbing on and on in the background about me being gay and not loving my bf. I’m worried I don’t love him as much as he loves me cuz I don’t feel the butterflies and I’m feeling nauseous and just sick and tired of my brain. When I have a good day I have a good day and I feel comfortable but I still can’t pixture the future. Idk if it’s cuz it’s just hard to conceptualize for me or if it’s cuz I don’t want it with him? I think I still do. I’m nervous but he makes me happy and I feel like he is my other half. Saying that makes me feel like I’m lying Maybe I’m scared of being romantic again in case I think I’m lying to him? Cuz what if I am a lesbian and I write him a love letter then the next day I tell him I don’t love him anymore? I lied. But I do love him. I’m not a lesbian. I’m bi. Just cuz I’m dating a man doesn’t make me less bi. I’ve never been in a relationship longer than 8 months and that one relationship I was in was toxic as hell. He never paid attention to me, he never wanted to physically be near me, wouldn’t let me kiss him on the cheek?? I felt. Idk worthless. But I put so much effort into loving him cuz I loved him. Now I’m being loved and I can’t conceptualize loving him back anymore?? Even tho I do? Have I fallen out of love cuz I don’t feel consistent feelings? Do I not want the future cuz I’ve fallen out of love? I do want it tho. It feels nice. It doesn’t fill me with overly excitedness but it does make me happy to think about spending my life with him. I know I can’t get any answer but I’m trying to distinguish between ROCD and actual feelings. I’m trying to figure out if it’s actually incompatibility or if I’m just overly anxious and desperate for control over our lives (I think it’s this honestly. Idk what the future will look like cuz of the interfaith aspect so I wanna control as much as I can). I wanna write him a love letter and tell him how much I love and appreciate him but my body is stopping me. I don’t have motivation to which saddens me. And then I have anxiety about sitting and writing cuz what if everything I’m writing is a lie? He gives me so much. Is that the reason I’m scared of breaking up cuz there’s never a right time? There’s never a right time cuz I don’t wanna fucking do it lol. I’m scared I don’t love him as much as he loves me. Or I don’t love him at all. I don’t feel trapped I feel confused. Every time he gives me smtjn it’s “oh my god thank you so much honey I love it” and then my brain jumps to “lol no you don’t break up with him” and I have to keep a smile on my face so I don’t start crying. I love him so much and I cannot hurt him. The thought of losing him is so scary and painful but saying that I don’t feel any physical pain or guilt. I’m just sad. I think I’ve been numbed out to everything I’ve experienced and now I’m just a blob. When hes with me god I am happy but I’m still ruminating and checking. I just wanna love him peacefully. What do I do
- Relationship OCD
- Young adults with OCD
- LGBTQ+ with OCD
- Students with OCD
- False Memory OCD
- Sexual Orientation OCD
- OCD newbies