I really need help please, please

@I’m Batman Hey Batman, I think you’re right here. I’m really scared right now. My brain started adding in extra words like “free online” and I’m feeling really scared bc even though I know nothing will show up, that could look like intent to find illegal content. I feel really scared. Please tell me what to do, I don’t want to google anything much less with words like that. I’m so scared.

@issphra 🫶🏻 When I first started I just did what the therapist said to the Tee. So let’s call yours bob for sake of making this shorter. Bob said Google “these words here”. Then I would just google “these words here” and only those. No matter what your brain adds in or says “what if you actually did this” we don’t engage with that thought. OCD can “what If” us all day long if we let it. We don’t engage with what ifs. We accept the uncertainty that we don’t know the answers to what ifs and we don’t try to find the answers. We live in today and facts. The fact is you type in “these words here” per Bobs directions. As soon as ocd says “what if you typed in ex…. Cut off that engagement. We allow ocd to say it but we don’t respond to OCD. The idea is to get it to where OCD is having a one sided conversation. He’s there and he’s saying shit but no one is responding. On a side note, if you are still using NOCD as your therapy , the therapists have a feature built into this app where you can text them. I was not sure if you already knew that or not but it’s pretty useful. Sometimes when I have a really rough day I will text mine and he normally gets back to me in reasonable times. Mine also posts my ERP homework in it so it’s written down so I know what and what not to do. Remember you got this! You have came a long way and I look forward to seeing your progress going forward.

@I’m Batman Thank you, your support has honestly contributed to my progress. It means a lot to have people like you believe in me. I honestly feel really weak. I know I’m supposed to ignore OCD, not respond, not engage, but I can’t seem to just ignore it. It feels like because I already googled one thing, all these other things are more plausible, if that makes sense? I was doing so well. I was okay, and then in the middle of the grocery store, I was overwhelmed with the urge to google whatever it was in that moment. I felt like I couldn’t stop; it was so automatic. I was crying as it happened because I wanted so badly not to. I can do this, I know I can, but those moments of weakness scare me so much. Thank you for bringing up the ADHD again. I forget about that all the time, and I think I may need to bring up the importance of acknowledging I have ADHD to my therapist. I’ve always had it, of course, but my diagnosis was as recent as my OCD diagnosis, so I’m still struggling to see where it comes in. Thank you for always giving me help with insight on that. It’s such valuable information, and it means so much that you’re willing to share that insight.

@issphra 🫶🏻 Anytime !! For sure I would bring up your ADHD with the therapist. I did with mine. ADHD loves the hunt. Unfortunately much like us , ADHD does not understand that ocd does not actually care about the answer nor believes it. OCD just needs the compulsion done. Hopefully you are doing better today. Also there is a group session for people who suffer from OCD and ADHD on the NOCD app. It’s free If you are a patient. It’s from 6pm est to 7 pm. I would highly recommend signing up for it and check it out. You don’t have to talk in it if you don’t want to. Most times I just listen. But it helped me to understand I was not alone. Plus you can ask questions in a safe space there.

@I’m Batman That makes a lot of sense. When I try to figure out why I did something, what the point was, what the compulsion could mean, I’m always at a loss. It makes sense the way you explain it. I’m not doing too great today either, but I will join if I get the chance. I’ve been wanting to, thank you :)

@BigGyro09 I’m just so petrified that it’ll lead me to worse. I swear I’m not that kind of person. I feel so scared and these compulsions are so hard to handle

@issphra 🫶🏻 I don't think you're that kind of person but it just seems like you feel you have to do the compulsions because you're used to doing them as a coping mechanism because it gives you some relief, even if most of that relief turns to guilt or shame. I know what that's like, and it makes me feel horrible afterwards and I remember the not good moments over the comforting moments a lot more than the "good" Try to tell yourself that you'll delay the compulsion and do it later. Or you can step away from the area that gives you such anxiety and go somewhere else. Deep breaths as well. There has to be someone else that can be a better coping strategy.

@BigGyro09 I think you’re 100% right. The thing is before any of this, I was so scared of googling anything that my therapist believed the proper ERP would be to google. The moment I did that, it was something flipped and I started compulsively checking and searching. I felt so eager to get rid of the fear I started googling it over and over. I even typed into social media bars. I felt like I was losing control once I realized it wasn’t harmful to search on controlled sites. I feel so guilty and awful. I’m so scared I’ll be investigated or something. I just want to stop. I want to be okay. I hate this so so much.

@issphra 🫶🏻 I think this is something you should absolutely tell your therapist so they can monitor this with you. They intended it to be ERP but it seems like you developed a pretty strong compulsion for this. Why do you think you have a hard time resisting the urge to do this? What do you think these searched are doing to help you?

@BigGyro09 I’m not sure, I feel really confused and scared. I told my therapist, but she barely shows concern about this. I almost feel like I want to make sure it’s safe. I google, nothing bad will show up. It’s safe. I type it into social media, nothing bad shows up, it’s still safe. Apart from that it’s almost like I want to show myself that typing those words out isn’t a bad thing. What those words describe is terrible, but the words themselves are just words. I don’t know. I’m having such trouble and I genuinely feel so lost right now. I really appreciate your willingness to help and if you have any ideas, please share. I’m genuinely so scared.

@issphra 🫶🏻 It's all confusing, I know. Maybe that's just the compulsion you happened to catch wind of while dealing with the intrusive thoughts. I think the best course of action for you is to really emphasize how much this is bothering you to your therapist and probably even show the posts you've made on here to really embellish how important this is to you. Nae Nae says it was an exposure for you that turned into a compulsion. Maybe you want to make sure that while searching this, bad things won't happen and your therapist was trying to show you that? I think they are right but I also think practicing sitting with these thoughts and not doing anything about them can really help you a lot here.

@BigGyro09 I don’t know man I feel horrified. My brain is adding words like “free” “online” “Reddit” to it and I’m absolutely terrified. I’ll bring it up to my therapist. This just feels extremely urgent.

@BigGyro09 I’m sitting with the thoughts. I’m so scared I’m going to give in and type it. Please tell me what to do, I feel so lost. I requested an emergency meeting with my therapist. I’m panicking really hard

@issphra 🫶🏻 Take deep breaths, try to walk around and keep away from your compulsions. Don't give into the urge to google and you will show yourself that you can handle this anxiety without giving into the urge to googling. Try to hang in there.

@BigGyro09 I had a panic attack, sat on the bathroom floor just sobbing and shaking for an hour, but I didn’t give in. I’m feeling a bit better, still scared but more present. Less in my head. Thank you for being here. It means so much.

@issphra 🫶🏻 I'm glad I and others on here could help. Sorry that this is bothering you so much but what you just did was something not only important but incredible. You resisted your compulsions and you showed your OCD that you don't have to give into what it tells you. That's the true meaning of ERP! You were exposed to the intrusive thoughts and urges, but you prevented yourself from responding to them! I know it's really hard and this is really scaring you, but this is something you should be proud of. You accomplished something big here.

@BigGyro09 Thank you so much. May I ask, when the thoughts return with the panic, the urge, and just the overall anxiety, I do the same? Resist? Does it get easier. I’ve been on panic mode for the last 5 hours

@issphra 🫶🏻 Yes. With ERP, were told to expose ourselves to what makes us afraid but do nothing about the intrusive fears until they go away. We're told to sit with the anxiety until it simmers down. We do it enough times and eventually the anxiety will lessen overtime. Telling your therapist about your experience with this will be important because then they will be able to help you further with ERP

@BigGyro09 The original thought and urge was there for months and months before this. I never acted on it, but it didn’t lessen which is why I think my therapist believed actually looking it up was the right way to go. Now, I feel pretty lost and confused but I’m willing to keep resisting. I don’t know if I’ll make it to be completely honest, but I’ll try. Thank you again.

@issphra 🫶🏻 Don't give up. I think you can do this. If you don't feel confident in your next move, that's perfectly fine. You're new at ERP and it's really difficult to do on your own. I think it's best that you don't make any decisions on it right now and just tell your therapist about how sitting with not giving into your compulsions helped a bit. Despite all of the anxiety and panic, you did mention that you felt a bit present and less in your head.

@BigGyro09 I did, even if it was just for an hour. I’ll mention everything. Thank you, I really appreciate your help. This has been and continues to feel so scary. Thank you :)

@issphra 🫶🏻 You're welcome. I'm glad me and other people here have been able to help you. You'll be okay. :)

@nae nae I’m doing my best to delay it as much as I can. It feels so overwhelming. Girl I’m so panicked :( I feel absolutely petrified. I think it’s the OCD saying this but it feels like I’m going to end up doing worse. I realize that with all those searches I knew nothing bad would show up and it’s probably why I kept checking. So I don’t think it’s likely I’ll go searching for anything with real risk, but it feels so real. I’m so scared. I feel lost

@issphra 🫶🏻 Sorry for replying late, I got caught up in something! That comment Batman left is really helpful, honestly, but... You're doing your best, and that's what matters. It's definitely the OCD. But, I know it's easier to recognize it in other people than it is to recognize it in ourselves. I can't even imagine how terrifying that must be for you, I mean, I've had that intrusive urge too, but it seems really heightened for you right now. How often do you meet with that therapist, and is it with NOCD?

@nae nae Don’t worry at all, I had a really tough panic attack in front of my toilet lol. My only witness I guess. It was terribly heightened and since I did google for ERP googling anything else, anything extra, feels less scary and more possible. Ironically that makes it more terrifying and panic inducing. I’m supposed to meet with my NOCD therapist 3-4 times a week bc my OCD is extremely severe but I can’t afford that so we’re doing once a week until I can afford twice a week again. Thank you so much for validating my effort. It means so, so much.

@issphra 🫶🏻 It's so frustrating how OCD always finds a way to weasel its way back into things. And it's like... now that it's morphed into this new fear, how do you tackle that? Ugh, I'm so, so sorry this happened. I hope you'll be able to meet with your therapist again and soon. :(

@nae nae I really hope so too :( I’m feeling really not good about anything right now