Help, Meta OCD/POCD?

I’ve been feeling the urge to avoid intimacy or purposefully engage (for reassurance that I won’t give into a compulsion) because of intrusive thoughts and fear that I’ll “check/test” my reactions. My OCD is making me so scared that I’ll purposefully think of a child and try to see if I like it. It’s so complicated but I guess I’m mentally checking if I would mentally check during intimacy. I’ve even envisioned myself checking and it’s making me so nauseous. I know it’s a compulsion like any other but the sound of “touching yourself to the thought of a child” sounds atrocious and vile. I’m terrified I’ll automatically start checking next time I am being intimate. I truly feel so worried. If anyone has gone through something similar, I’d appreciate hearing your experience. Or if anyone has any advice?

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5w ago

Yeah I have that too, mindfulness helps: detaching from the thoughts, not letting distracting intrusions knock you off your center of consciousness, being aware of what's happening in your brain and being aware of triggers so you can more easily reject compulsions

Username: Hetalia17Hetalia17

Date posted: 5w ago

Hey @issphra, I’ve been following your posts for a while now, since I’m dealing with the exact same thought patterns and urges as you, including this and the googling urges and the thoughts focused on partners and relationships. POCD and ROCD together are a nightmare for intimacy and sexuality. Currently I’m struggling with having any sort of intimacy with my boyfriend, because the thoughts and checking immediately come racing in and it feels like fighting a war on two fronts. Personally, I haven’t really avoided it completely, because part of me still wants to have that very human connection with him and myself, but I’m always overcome with guilt afterwards, as if I’d done something wrong despite being very conscious that I hadn’t. Perhaps this was more of a vent and I’m sorry I couldn’t give you any meaningful advice, I would if I knew. However I do want to say that your posts have been of great help to me, as they make me feel slightly comforted by the knowledge that I’m not alone in fighting this. Let’s stay strong, friend. I’m here alongside you :’)

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 5w ago

@Hetalia17 I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I’m glad I’ve brought you comfort :) I’m here any time, we’re stronger than the OCD wants us to see. Thank you for telling me this, it helps me feel less alone too 🤍

Username: 🌵 🌵

Date posted: 5w ago

I’ve had a similar thought loop but with rumination. I used to always worry about ruminating, that I would ruminate about ruminating. The advice I have received for this is to not be scared of rumination. If I notice myself ruminating, then I merely need to stop. There’s no point in being perfect about it. I feel like this logic may apply to your situation. If you notice yourself checking, then merely stop. It should feel as effortless as “getting off a treadmill”. There’s no need to be afraid of checking, and there’s no need to make it another OCD theme. There’s also no need to punish yourself over checking. OCD can become incredibly meta, and its important when we notice it has its grip on something unexpected.

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 5w ago

@🌵 That makes a lot of sense and is really good advice. Thank you, sincerely. Thank you so much for sharing :)

Username: the phycologistthe phycologist

Date posted: 5w ago

are you in any current relationship?

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 5w ago

@the phycologist I am, 4 years

Username: Flower152

Date posted: 24w ago

POCD

I was just sat downstairs watching a movie and I had a “what if u watch cp” and “what if you like thinking about kids in sexual ways” when I don’t at all want to think about that or watch that. And I thought what it would be like to think of a kid like that which made me incredibly anxious and feel repulsed. But my ocd will say “you were thinking what it would be like to think of kids like that because u were considering it” when I wasn’t at all Nothing would ever make me want to think about kids in a sexual way it’s completely repulsive. My ocd will try and say I like the images too and I like the thoughts! It’s really stressful. Does this sound familiar to anyone? I just need some support at the moment as I’m worrying it’s not OCD

Username: Kay_buni

Date posted: 19w ago

POCD has taken over my life for the past years.

POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?

POCD

Username: issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12w ago

worried about intrusive thoughts during sex

Hi everyone, I wanted to reach out to see if anyone else has experienced something similar with OCD and intrusive thoughts. I’ve been struggling during moments of intimacy because intrusive thoughts, particularly ones related to POCD, feel so ‘sticky’—like they’re all I can picture. Even though I really want the thoughts to go away, they persist, and I’ve been trying not to avoid intimacy because of them. However, that makes me feel like I’m somehow ‘enjoying’ the thoughts or images, which I really dislike. It’s like my brain is playing this awful trick, and it’s leaving me feeling confused and gross. I guess I’m supposed to not let the thoughts bother me and continue as if nothing’s wrong, but I’m scared that by doing so, I’m almost training myself to get off to them or something. This fear makes it so hard to trust myself in those moments, and it’s been overwhelming. If anyone else has been through this, how do you handle it?

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