Username: issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 28d ago

I’m panicking, any advice is welcomed

**TMI Warning: This post is very personal and might be uncomfortable for some.** I’m feeling panicked and need to get this out. I have intrusive thoughts that make me question my morals, especially about consent. I have a CNC preference (consent to non-consent), but I feel so conflicted because I know how horrifying and heartbreaking real non-consensual acts are. The thought of anyone suffering in that way is so awful, yet I get thoughts that feel like I’m justifying the real thing—the immoral thing. Sometimes, I feel like I have to focus hard just to truly condemn it, and that terrifies me. It’s hard to separate these thoughts from who I am, and I’m scared it means something terrible about me. I feel so much shame for having a CNC preference. I know it’s rooted in consent, but I feel like I’ve never had certainty that I fully condemn the real thing. I’m scared that deep down, I might think it’s all the same.

Username: andrewt_andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 28d ago

Trust me this means nothing about you as a person. PLENTY of people probably have similar preferences. A lot of people enjoy things in their heads (For example, rape fantasies, incest fantasies, etc.) But they aren’t into any of it in real life. Your brain processes things very differently when it knows something is not actually happening in reality. This is actually quite common. Plus like you said, you know it’s rooted in consent (If only that was enough for OCD) But keep in mind that you don’t need to explain yourself to your OCD. No answer will ever be good enough for it unfortunately. I know this is really difficult to be dealing with so go easy on yourself. I hope you feel better soon friend 🤍

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 28d ago

@andrewt_ Thank you so much for replying. You’re absolutely right about how OCD always demands more. I convinced myself that it wasn’t a real issue, so I thought it was fine, but then my OCD began throwing even more intrusive thoughts at me, particularly related to POCD and ROCD. It started asking questions like, “Where do you draw the line with your ‘fantasies’?” I could feel myself spiraling quickly—hyperventilating and feeling overwhelmed by things that only worry me because they disturb me, which should be reason enough not to worry. But like you said, it’s never enough for this disorder—and it was truly awful. Then, the real event OCD kicked in. Okay, I’m just venting right now, but I really appreciate you commenting. This obsession had been building for a while, and I knew it was only a matter of time before it hit. When it did, it was horrendous, but I’m feeling much calmer now. Thank you again for your insight and encouragement.. *again* lol 🤍 it means so much

Username: andrewt_andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 28d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 That’s classic OCD, it will use anything and everything at its disposal to doubt your identity. It’s a master manipulator and will never let you off the hook no matter how moral of a person you are. I know what you mean about how certain obsessions bubble under the surface and then eventually explode. I can relate to that. But I hope you are doing better today

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 28d ago

@andrewt_ I’m relieved I’m not only one in experiencing this. Unfortunately I’m not doing okay today :( not at all I’m sure it’ll pass eventually

Username: andrewt_andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 28d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 I’m sorry to hear that! I hope you feel at least a little better soon but if you don’t that’s okay too. Sometimes life with OCD just sucks and it’s okay to acknowledge that and just survive through the day.

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 27d ago

@andrewt_ Thank you for your support always :) 💗

Username: nae naenae nae

Date posted: 28d ago

How are you feeling now?

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 28d ago

@nae nae Spirally, my brain is jumping between themes rn 😔. I’m not panicked but I’m on its border

Username: nae naenae nae

Date posted: 28d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 OCD is exhausting 😓 I'm sorry you ended up getting triggered while reading. Hang in there!! These thoughts don't define you, even if they're trying to convince you otherwise.

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 28d ago

@nae nae Thank you 🥺. I want to read so badly because the romance in it is **SO GOOD**. That slow burn, tension, forbidden love type of thing. But I’m scareeeeddd since I’m so anxious I feel like it’ll taint the story :( I think I’ll jump back in though and take my chances. It’s too good not to try

Username: nae naenae nae

Date posted: 28d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 Omg I love books like that. Can I ask which book you're reading? I need recommendations😭 Also, I think jumping back into it is best! It's like you told me the other day. It can sorta be a form of exposure!

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 28d ago

@nae nae The Black Witch Chronicles (I’m on book #2 and boy is there tension and longing (it’s been building since book #1) it’s a bit slow but at the same time it’s not? lol idk how to explain myself Please let me know if you give it a try! I’m about to start reading rn.. ahhhhh

Username: nae naenae nae

Date posted: 28d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 Good luck!! You got this, girl!! 🩷 I'll definitely let you know if I start reading it. It sounds interesting and totally up my alley lol

Username: NicaNica

Date posted: 28d ago

This is the time where you need to put down the phone and go out and do something fun or productive. Posting about this only adds fuel to the fire.

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 28d ago

@Nica I was actually reading, but the story started speaking of sexual exploitation victims and its horrors. I’ve grown so attached to the characters in this book and I think it triggered my OCD. I’m sure my panic is apparent, I just want to go back to reading, it’s been helping me feel like myself again, but I feel completely devoured by shame. I posted while my spiral was peaking, I really don’t want to find reassurance. I know it will only make it worse, I think I just really needed an outlet and some support. I’m calming down from the panic attack as I type this. I’m very near the point in the month where things get bad so hopefully this is the worst of it. Thank you for writing, it honestly helps me feel not alone.

Username: NicaNica

Date posted: 28d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 What books are you reading and the genre/subgerne? I am an avid reader (100+ a year) and I know that books are getting really graphic and the goal is to get to the point of things in books not bothering you, but that particular book might be too much for you right now. But it’s good you’re reading widely. I’d just start a bit more basic in the horror genre and/or mystery/thriller/suspense genres.

Username: NicaNica

Date posted: 28d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 Other than cozy mysteries, those genres are going to have extremely heavy content, especially horror. You could try out cozy mysteries because there’s murder and kidnapping, so you are doing self ERP with that topic, but it never goes into gory detail and it always ends in a happy manner. Then if you are good with that cozy mystery content, you move up to regular mysteries.

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 28d ago

@Nica I usually read for fun to help distract from rumination or take my mind off OCD. When I’m struggling, though, I can’t read. But I’ve managed to finish two books in the past week and a half, which is a a good sign. I love fantasy and romance, especially political fantasy with a bit of romance. I don’t read nearly as much as you because my book hangovers last months 🥲 lol. I read about 15-30 books a year. I aspire to become like you. You might have heard of The Black Witch Chronicles? It’s not exactly focused on violence but right now, it’s dealing with a subplot about the sexual exploitation of another race, which has been a light trigger for the past few days. Not sure what happened today, it’s like it found my panic button. I had to take a break from reading. It’s not that the theme is too intense—it’s just that I felt like I contributed to the problem that is being so vehemently discussed. I know it’s probably my OCD talking, but it was still hard. Thank you for the suggestions :). Do you have any cozy mystery recommendations or maybe some fantasy books you’re fond of? Any romance? Oh this makes me so excited

Username: NicaNica

Date posted: 28d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 Ohhh the Black Witch Chronicles by Laurie Forest? I read the first book when it came out. I was thinking you were reading some hardcore horror (I read extreme horror/splatterpunk, not recommended 😆) but if you want some fantasy, I have ideas! Regarding cozy mysteries first since it is on my mind… check out Kerry Greenwood, Scarlett Moss, Trixie Silvertale. The second writer has cozy mysteries and paranormal cozy mysteries (magical murders to solve) and Trixie writes paranormal cozy mysteries.

Username: NicaNica

Date posted: 28d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 Here are some fun fantasy authors (with and without romance) that I enjoy but not too graphic: Rick Riordan, Heather Fawcett, Nicole Brona, Patricia Briggs, Diana Rowland, TJ Klune, Lloyd Alexander, Susanna Clarke, Jennifer Rainey, Travis Baldree, Melissa Albert, Kevin Hearne, Claire Legrand…

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 28d ago

@Nica lol no, I’ve never been a fan of horror. Thank you for the recommendations!!!

Username: NicaNica

Date posted: 28d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 You’re welcome! 😇

Username: SaraghhhhhSaraghhhhh

Date posted: 28d ago

I enjoy the same thing and this is how I reassure myself that I know that consensual non consent and actual non consent is completely different. I just try to imagine someone I’ve really hated or a stranger I’m really not attracted to trying to do things to me and that scares me. I think it just can get confusing because usually when you’re wanting CNC it’s because you’ve already consented in your head bc you’re attracted or it’s a partner.

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 28d ago

@Saraghhhhh Thank you for sharing :) it means a lot to me. I agree, it can get confusing. I think, almost as a protective mechanism, our brains might not *immediately* recognize the full span of harm in the real thing—almost like CNC becomes a default, if that makes sense. We’re subconsciously aware that actual non-consent is not okay, but since we engage with CNC, which isn’t real, there might be a slight delay in recognizing that true non-consent is vile. Maybe?

Username: Existential-LizardExistential-...

Date posted: 26d ago

People have a myriad of interests within consensual relationships that mimic immoral behaviour outside of safe organized spaces. I wouldn’t think twice about these things as they can have many root causes and some therapists suggest there are healing properties to finding a partner who can safely explore these ideas with you. That being said, therapy can help you unpack some of the more complex issues you might have with these feelings, furthermore, control what you can control in the physical world. If you are worried about being bad, focus on the physical proof you are not that way—though be mindful not to over rely on this coping mechanism as it can fuel the OCD if not used sparingly and when needed.

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 26d ago

@Existential-Lizard Thank you :) it means a lot I was struggling with this again today. I feel like sometimes there’s a delay in realizing that the real thing is bad. It’s like by default my brain just thinks it’s like cnc. That makes me panic, but I’m trying to calm down some more. Thank you again

Username: maverick128maverick128

Date posted: 28d ago

I'm confused does it mean that you enjoy having people pretend they don't consent to your advances? I know human sexuality is very complex, and I must say that certain things I never thought I'd like I think I actually do, (namely some BDSM), but if you know you don't like what you think then it's just OCD

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 28d ago

@maverick128 Mm no I enjoy pretending I don’t consent to someone’s advances. I think OCD’s involvement here is making me question if I like the real thing, without any consent. I don’t think I do, but the doubt felt so extremely real. Does that make sense?

Username: maverick128maverick128

Date posted: 28d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 It does, a deeper form of playing hard to get, to me it sounds related to BDSM, as in someone telling you "I desire you so much you will be mine whether you want to or not" which is a fantasy, but your OCD twists it into you asking to be abused which is not the case. I once felt that by having a girl send me pictures I was wanting to make her a slave, it's not what I want, it's a crazy concept

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 28d ago

@maverick128 It’s definitely related to BDSM at least for me. I agree with what you said and my OCD is saying also saying that I think that r*pe is okay (I find it extremely difficult to even consider agreeing with that statement). OCD is such an asshole. It kept throwing what ifs at me at lightning speed. My spiral was SO bad, my boyfriend actually yelled out of frustration and it managed to snap me out of it for a few seconds. I re-spiralled but I started to calm down much quicker. I’m glad I’m not alone even if your experience isn’t the exact same :) thank you for taking the time to share

Username: Eileen03

Date posted: 23w ago

Please help if you can

18+ I had an intrusive thought and kept thinking about it but then I realised I wanted to think about it and I thought it and suddenly felt like I enjoyed it and now I feel really scared and disgusted in myself and I might have been thinking it because I genuinely wanted to and enjoyed it even though I feel awful now

Username: ChloeBartleby

Date posted: 23w ago

Intrusive Thoughts of Dad Acting Inappropriately

Hello all. I (20 y/o female) have an intrusive thought that popped up about four months ago and has not been able to leave my head ever since and it is ruining my life. I have a memory (?) of when I was about 7-9 years old (although I really have no idea and my brain has told me varying ages even going up a few years) when I was in the shower and turned around to see my dad popping his head in the curtain to (realistically) either check on me or try to scare me as a prank. He is the most wonderful father and has never done anything inappropriate aside from this “incident” but my brain cannot let this go and is trying to convince me that this was sexual. I have always been a “daddy’s girl” but some days I cannot even speak to him on the phone because this fear that I was somehow abused is so deep in my brain. I’ll have days where I can reasonably tell myself that even if this did happen, he did not see it as inappropriate because I am his little girl, but other days it will disgust me to no end. I’ve brought it up with him once when my thoughts were at their worst but he said he didn’t even remember it happening. My brain will randomly go “hey, think about this–you’re a victim” through out the day and it’s like my whole body will shut down, my face gets hot and my heart starts beating faster and I just feel like all of the joy has physically been sucked out of my body. It often leaves me in a depressive episode. I can’t even fathom going to therapy out of the fear of my therapist telling me that this really was concerning behavior on behalf of my dad and I don’t think I could handle that. A little while back I posted this on a subreddit and someone in the comments said “this doesn’t give me a good feeling…. But it could have been innocent if you say so” and I haven’t been able to forget this. It send me into a total tailspin, if someone from an outside perspective says it’s weird then it must be??? Ever since this thought has popped up I can’t act normally. I sometimes can’t even watch movies that have dads in them because it makes me think of it, any time I hear a sex joke my skin crawls and god forbid anyone make a “sweet home Alabama” joke around me. I’ve never seen anything online about people who have experienced this too which just makes my worry so much worse. I’ve experienced OCD symptoms since early childhood however never anything like this which makes me even more scared that it is real. I truly don’t know what to do with myself anymore, every day just feels like the precious minutes I have between the times this thought pops up.

Username: nae nae

Date posted: 8w ago

I'm sorry. Just need to vent. :(

This might contain triggering content, but I'm also wondering if others have dealt with this similar thought, and if so, how to deal with it? Overall, I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm able to eat again, which I hadn't been able to do because of how much anxiety I'd been experiencing. I'm spending time around loved ones and not just rotting in my room, and I've been able to wake up without immediately being bombarded by intrusive thoughts. When things first got really bad, I'd wake my mom up every night for reassurance, but I haven't done that in a while either. I'm really proud of myself, but there's still this nagging thought in my mind... While looking through others posts on here, hoping to find advice that'd fit my situation, I ended up making things worse. Someone mentioned how they had a fear that they'd purposely search for illegal content (related to POCD). I panicked, and "what ifs" flooded my thoughts. "What if the intrusive thoughts affect who I am as a person, and I do that?" I'm terrified that I'll search for those things, which I know means I wouldn't do it. But then, another person on here said they'd actually looked for those things, and that freaked me out even more. Does that mean it's possible for that to happen to me? I don't want to do that, but I keep having intrusive thoughts surrounding it. I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm just... stuck. I don't know what to do. I've spoken with other people who have the same fears, but how do I manage this? It's not something I've even thought about before seeing those posts. I've been practicing accepting the uncertainty, but I'm really struggling with this one. I hate this. This morning, I woke up, and the intrusive thoughts were back. It's just disheartening.

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