Please help!

So, I'm going to share one of my most triggering memory or experience of mine. What I did was, I was reading a sensual story/experience of man on reddit in which he shared his experience that how he got physical with his own teacher when he was 13-14. I then became arosued by reading it and then pleasured myself by putting myself in that scenario. I made such kind of fantasies in which I'm getting physical with my students, sometimes they're over 15 and sometimes over 18 and so and it has happened a lot of times. Now, such things triggers me because I'm going to be a teacher soon (I'm 21), and when I remember about this, I feel disgusted by myself. I feel guilt and this also triggers my POCD sometimes that once I pleasured myself thinking of a 13-14 boy. This makes me feel very disgusted and anxious that how can become a teacher because whatever I did was so ridiculous. I feel like a horrible person. Please someone help me. Am I actually a very horrible person?

Trindoll124

Date posted: 28w

Okay I’m really confused about this because I never “pleasured” myself to kids or anything if anything I rarely touch myself due to the fear of my intrusive thoughts till the point I take breaks while doing it petrified of even thinking about children in that way . And I always had intrusive thoughts about kids or unwanted images and sometimes it’s really hard for me to even look at them .I think it could be POCD related though because it was something in your past but I don’t think your a horrible person though because it was something you regret … I’m sorry I think you should really talk to a OCD specialist!!

Purvi

Date posted: 28w

This is quite triggering because it means I'm a really horrible person. I have been regretting about it for a year and still can't get over this. I only did it once like thinking about 13-14 y/o boy and pleasured because I read such an experience on reddit and got aroused, and put myself in that same scenario. I'm not disgusted by myself, however I have read that fantasies are just fantasies and doesn't reflect true desires, but still the past affects me. When I did that, I was around 18-19. And after such thing, I never fantasized or pleasured myself for boys who are smaller than 15 years. But still I continued to fantasize and pleasured for student boys who are over 15 and imagining myself as a teacher. I'm preparing for an entrance exam for teaching and it triggers me a lot because I feel like I won't be able see students as "students" and the past will haunt me. Also, I can't reach out for therapy for various reasons. Please help me out, I'm requesting you. I don't know how to get over this and I feel like a horrible person.

Purvi

Date posted: 28w

Apart from this, when I was rewatching Harry Potter series, I got attracted to Harry and Ron in 3rd part in which they were 14-16 and at that time, I was 20. But still whenever I watch it, I find myself being into Harry and Ron of 3rd part when they were 14-16. When I asked about it to some girls of my age, they said it's normal. Does it mean I'm a pedophile? I'm very scared of it. Please help me.

Trindoll124

Date posted: 28w

@Purvi your not a horrible person!! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to trigger you in a way like that!! I think the I got the wrong idea for sure ! I can’t help you in a way a therapist can… from the things your telling me it’s don’t really sound bad … be kind to yourself. Having a fantasy that you only did once is a past event .I think a OCD specialist can help!!

ughhhh

Date posted: 22w

I feel gross interacting with adult content.

18+ people with this thread please. I just want some advice from people who have experienced this. Its been almost 2 years since my real event and i can confidently say that i feel a bit better about that and my thoughts. (We still have bad moments but we recover.) but, ever since then and before, i feel nasty and gross whenever i engage or interact with adult content. Like this nasty guilt or feeling like i cant interact with it because then my ocd says “this proves that your thoughts are true and your perverse” and after i always feel empty and disgusting. Besides things like that, i read adult fan fiction sometimes or even write stories for my original characters. And yesterday i shared these stories with a close in person friend of mine. (Were both in college) and they were fine about it we laughed about it but then after i felt guilty-my brain was telling me “you traumatized her she just doesn’t wanna tell you” obliviously this isn’t true but im having a hard time believing it and this morning i woke up with a deep dread that i hurt a friend and im horrible. I can say that they’re more positive about these things then me and i think thats why we got into the conversation and i felt comfortable to share these stories but i just can’t get over it. I have a strong urge to ask for reassurance but i know it wont help. I literally have no one else to talk to about this. Ive spoken to my therapist about this guilt with adult content and we have yet to expand on it especially how it goes hand in hand with my asexuality. My therapist tells me its human to feel things like this and its ok to perform self care like that and again-im a human person its usually normal for 19 year olds to be like this especially for someone my age but i dont feel normal. I feel nasty. Does anyone else feel this way? How did you confront this guilt and how did you feel comfortable again interacting with these feelings and actions again? I dont really have a desire to do s*xual things often (im on the asexual spectrum) but when i do i dont want to feel like this. Especially when my ocd types effect it. Advice is needed and appreciated thank you for your help.

danielllll

Date posted: 16w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

isharemycigs

Date posted: 14w

What do I do

when I was 15 soon to turn 16, I met this girl in a IG group chat made by our mutual friends. We started talking and eventually we started flirting and talking sexual towards each other, though eventually we stopped talking because she was being really weird. A couple months later In July of 2024 my friend found out that she was actually 13 and that she lied to me about her age. It's been 10 months since l've found out and I still feel so disgusted in myself. I had my suspicions at the time but I let them go since she said she was 16 turning 17. I was completely oblivious trusting someone I only knew online especially since i've never seen their face either. i'm struggling on what to do since i've been suffering with POCD since I was 15. Till this day I still feel weird and disgusted in myself because of that. But it feels ironic since i'm sexualizing someone that's 2 years younger than me and I waited to confirm she was around my age range to sexualize her. I feel so weird and guilty about it idk what to do

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