I need help please

@Fuckocd1800! it helps to know I’m not alone :( this is genuinely so difficult

@Anxiousguy I didn’t feel horrified when I did it at first. I felt neutral and slightly annoyed that my brain was coming up with something else. I only feel bad now, and I’m scared of what that means of me. My main theme I believe is morality. I’m terrified of being a bad person or doing something unacceptable. My brain is currently coming up with worse ideas and movements. But what I’m reading from your comment is: my compulsion is trying to prove that something isn’t real So try to stop doing that. Okay I think I understand. This is just so hard because I feel awful for the compulsion. I feel so much guilt.

@Anxiousguy Thank you so much for your insight. I assume not feeling guilt is also something that is okay?

@Em2003 Yes as it's natural to feel guilt when the thoughts come, but not feeling guilty is completely ok. With people with OCD the guilt carries it on and the anxiety comes with it. People that don't have ocd won't feel guilt just thinks that's a weird thought. Also if on some sort of antidepressants, it's a natural side effect to have the thoughts but not feeling anxious about them. It's the way the medication can work (some good for OCD, others not so much). Just remember, you've not done anything to feel guilty for, regardless of what you may think. Just keep being open and with people who understand and your OCD will start slowly going down because you've let it out. Never feel ashamed of guilt from ocd thinking. It's something everyone comes across, the intrusive thoughts

@Anxiousguy I’m sorry to bother you again. This morning it happened again but my dog was actually there. I think I kept checking to see if it felt wrong. I basically humped her by moving my hips. I felt bad then but went back to sleep now I’m dying with so much guilt. Please help me I don’t know what to do. I feel like I did something horrendous. Please help

@Em2003 Don't need to apologise, I'm here anytime like everyone else is. The compulsions have come back as soon as you've woke up, this can be perfectly normal as I woke up anxious this morning and the ocd thinking on and off still. Your mind will make you feel guilt due to your thoughts and wellbeing needs reassurance that it's not actually you. This will come and go for a few days but in time will subside. In the meantime you'll have on and off episodes and these can be worrying, scary etc. The reasoning your stuck is because of you truly need to know if you liked it or like the idea, even though you're getting anxious about it. If your getting the anxious feelings it's because you don't agree on it, never mind want or like it. It's hard to overcome that thinking. Try and break it down into smaller pieces and think what's happened as happened, that doesn't define you now and in the future. We've all done things that we don't find right but our brains love that and the uncertainty it brings. Stay positive and happy to help anytime

@Anxiousguy I do so many compulsions as soon as I wake up, it’s surreal. I feel such an extreme amount of guilt. Though I know a compulsion is just a compulsion, I’m scared I’ll do something worse and justify it by saying it’s just a compulsion. I feel scared and unforgivable. I appreciate your help always, I just don’t know how to move past this right now at all. I feel like a monster who violated her pet, though there are moments where I can see past that but right now I’m stuck in dark hole where all I feel and see is shame and guilt

@Em2003 That's completely understandable and normal. It's like me who suffers from pocd. In December I had my first ever really bad episode, I've had odd pocd before but the tablets I was on just brushed it off. For over a week I was a complete and utter mess, thinking do I like that, am I that, trying work, function etc was hard. Then found this group and slowly it went and come back again other day due to stress. You feel ashamed, guilty you've had that urge, thought etc and feel ashamed like everyone around you knows what you did, thought, when in reality they don't. Sometimes it takes time to overcome these feelings etc and in that time the companions become stronger, louder, harder to overcome but they will subside in time. I once went to therapy due to relationship issues with a ex. I've suffered for years with anxiety, OCD rituals etc so understand how you feel. This one time, think was my next to last session, the therapist told me to look at things in a different way. Instead of thinking about what's bothering me from my perspective, within the box of thoughts, look at it as someone else looking in. Instead of saying did I enjoy that, I must have as need to do it, look at it as why do you need to see if you enjoyed it as just a random thing that happened and a intrusive thought came into effect as well. Another way of looking at it is, once you hit rock bottom you can't go any further. This may come across as savage but what is meant by it is, things can only get better from here not worse. OCD, anxiety, mental illness in general is like a ladder, you gradually go further up but will go down a few steps and then climb back up. What I got told from my mum/mom. So in perspective your on this ladder and you've gone down the odd step, but you'll soon get there and climb it again once more. Your never alone, never be afraid of what the thoughts are saying, as it's not you. Do you take any medication if you don't mind me asking?

@Anxiousguy I thought I had already hit rock bottom, but I just keep falling and falling. Thank you for your advice and perspective. I don’t know what keeping me falling but I can barely get up anymore. I’m very sensitive to medication and we’ve tried about 8 different ones in the last 4 months. None have helped, only caused me to worsen to the point of going to the hospital. We’re still trying to figure out something that will work. I just feel so dangerous and so much shame and guilt for all my compulsions. Like the thoughts I get they’re not my fault. I feel like hell over my compulsions. I feel unable to resist them and just so so so anxious. I know they fuel my OCD but it’s like I can’t stop them? I don’t know my anxiety is too high or what but I’ve developed a sort of meta ocd where I fear my compulsions. And well now I feel like I actually did something awful. I’m trying to see it in a different light “I twerked/grinded on my dog” idk lmfao I feel like I’m trying to justify myself but I really want to stop panicking and I’m sorry I’m just venting. I appreciate your help so so much

@Em2003 Sorry had start again due to pressed wrong button, doh. Some medications can make you worse but in time make it better. Sertaline and Prozac can be like that, citapram and mirtazpine (15mg not 30mg as can cause it worse and is classed as a sleeping tablet) are usually safer ones. Start lower and work yourself up rather than higher if possible. You think your going further and further but in reality your the same, it's just the anxiety making it seem like it's getting worse. Your feeling the guilt, ashamed and dangerous due to you know what you've thought, done etc but to someone else like myself looking at it, your non of them things. Why you may ask, because if you truly was one them things you wouldn't be seeking help. Your more of a person whos in a high anxiety state of mind who's crying and asking for help, which is brave. Let's break it down into smaller pieces. Like I twerked with the dog, try thinking I danced with the dog. As it's more forgiving and a style of dancing. In the UK (assuming your American), we have something called rescue remedy, now it's just flower essences and grape alcohol. It works wonders for high anxiety states. 4 drops as and when you need it and you start to calm right down, have look see if you can get something like that if not that. Even exercising can help and music to relax your mind. Never feel sorry about venting, opening up etc as that's the hard part. I'm lucky as I've had my parents, friends etc help me through my bad times, so to me it's just about returning that to someone who truly needs the help and support. Maybe go out for a walk with your daughter, play a game with her or something. It'll be difficult at first but you'll soon start to manage and function.

@Anxiousguy I’ve tried both Sertraline and Prozac. I had a very bad reaction to both of them to the point my psychiatrist made me stop them. She wants to try something different now, I’ll know soon when I meet with her. We halve the lowest dose because of my sensitivity. Thank you so much for your insight again. It means more than I can express. I’ll look into the rescue remedy you’re speaking of, I am American. Thank you again :) sincerely

@Em2003 You can get it I've checked online. I know a few people who's tried it and been fine and works for the most part. Most of the medication can make you worse initially but better long term but it's about finding that balance. Hopefully you find something soon. Something else to try as well. It drink caffeine, try cutting down or have non caffeine/decaffeinated drinks. Surprising how caffeine can make anxiety symptoms and would imagine OCD worse. How have you been lately?

@Anxiousguy Slightly better since stopping my current medication. Very anxious at times and currently sick with Covid so that doesn’t help lol I don’t drink caffeine anymore :) I noticed it made me and my ocd 10x worse a few months ago. I indulge in caffeine free coke (a bit flat honestly) I still panic and freak out but it’s been more like 5 times a day instead of constant so slightly better! Thank you for checking in :)

@Em2003 Sorry to hear you've got COVID, not the nicest thing to have. Nothing wrong with the caffeine free coke, if enjoy it then all that matters. Having odd panic attack is normal but like you've said it's slowly going which will help a lot. Give it a week and you'll start less and less due to your body, mind will get used to it all. If you need anything just say, more than happy to try and help 🙂

@Anxiousguy I do hope my panic disorder calms down for sure. Thank you for your kindness :))