sleep deprived and drained

I have barely slept in three days, maybe two hours a night. I feel so overwhelmed and uncomfortable right now. I cannot, for the life of me, stop confessing. I feel absolutely unforgivable, like no matter what it is, I am irredeemable. These waves of guilt and dread keep hitting me so hard. Every time I sleep, all I do is dream-ruminate. I analyze every tiny detail of whatever I am obsessing over, even in my sleep. It almost feels easier to stay awake, not that I have been able to do anything else. I feel so drained. I am scared to sleep. I hate my brain. I feel so anxious.

Anonymous

Date posted: 32w

I feel this in my bones. Whatever you thought you did. Whatever you have done. Whatever you think you’ll do: you are NOT irredeemable. And you are NOT unforgivable. You are human. Don’t let OCD or anxiety tell you anything else. People make mistakes. Even big ones. They’re still people in the end. And a perceived mistake (intrusive thoughts about what could happen) is not irredeemable either. Don’t let OCD tell you otherwise.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 32w

@Anonymous Thank you 💗 I try to remind myself of that every day because my OCD insists the death penalty was made for me lmao. I have made mistakes like any other human, but this feeling of irredeemable guilt is so convincing. I felt it when I smiled at a child. I felt it when I thought my dad was cute. I felt a huge wave of guilt when I remembered I have had crushes before and during my relationship, even though all I ever did was have friendly, respectful conversations. I do not know how it got to the point where I feel unforgivable for human mistakes and normal experiences. I really do not know why this feeling of being unforgivable has been so strong lately. And those perceived mistakes you mentioned? Oh my goodness, does my OCD *love* to latch onto those. Thank you for reminding me that they are not actually irredeemable either. I really appreciate you taking the time to write and be so supportive. It means everything to me 🫂🩵

lance_13

Date posted: 32w

I also experienced sleep anxiety before when i would not be able to sleep for three consecutive days. It was very hard, my heart was racing very fast every night and I feared that I was gonna die. But know this: you are not alone in this. There is a community willing to help you and be with you.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 32w

@lance_13 I have been getting a lot of heart palpitations when I try to sleep, I am guessing it is anxiety (I hope). Thank you for your support 🤍. I kept passing out in random places today from how little I have slept, a restaurant, the car, a party. I finally got home a few hours ago and crashed in my bed. Just woke up, and I feel okay :) A bit nervous to sleep later, but still okay :)

tayanominous

Date posted: 32w

Im so so sorry it will get better please talk to your therapist abt this and i also feel very sleep deprived and drained thanks for sharing and i hope your doing better

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 32w

@tayanominous Girl, I have lol. She just said it makes her sad that I cannot sleep 🥲. She told me the heavy guilt is something I have to get used to because there is no shortcut around it. OCD can cause misplaced emotions, and learning to live with that is how we get better. So basically, I just have to feel it and not let it consume me. Thank you for your kindness :) I hope you have been doing better too. Wishing you a good night’s sleep soon 🤍

tayanominous

Date posted: 32w

@issphra 🫶🏻 Unfortunately we have to live with this and although it’s draining ERP can teach us to get used to it so it becomes less debilitating hope u have a good sleep too:)

Godsgood

Date posted: 32w

so many people feel the same way you do, we are in this together and we have to understand that we are not “too far gone”

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 32w

@Godsgood I do understand that. However, OCD has the convincing ability of a really good lawyer, making it feel like that is not the case lol. Physical health problems can make everything worse, intensifying the guilt, shame, anxiety, panic, apathy, and whatever else this disorder decides to throw in. We all have the ability to overcome this, we just need to feel these feelings even if it’s hard.

Godsgood

Date posted: 32w

@issphra 🫶🏻 i absolutely agree and i hope my response didn’t come across like “we all are going through something” because i meant it in a way like “don’t feel alone in this struggle of guilt because someone’s probably feeling the exact same way over the exact same thing” so i just wanted to clarify incase it came across badly❤️but i hope that we can all figure this out so we can get our life back in order

nae nae

Date posted: 22w

Horrible morning

I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I've spent the morning crying, and I feel like I don't deserve to. I feel like I'm a horrible person or a... you know. I'm so sick of this. I'm just so tired of everything. I don't see my psychiatrist until two weeks from now. How am I going to make it till then? :( Even writing this post, I feel like I'm deceiving everyone and that I'm actually a monster. I'm so convinced of this right now. I don't know what to do. I was literally okay a few days ago. I don't even know what's real and what's not, like... I think I do? But everything is so distorted. I can't stop replaying memories trying to figure things out. I really need my psychiatrist right now. I feel like I need to confess, like I've been trying so hard not to, but every person I see, I just keep thinking about how badly I want to ask them if I'm a bad person or not, and that makes me feel worse. A good person wouldn't feel the need to ask that over and over again, would they? What if I'm just seeking validation because I can't accept that?

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 20w

I’m so tired I just wanna be free

I know I keep talking about This but I’m too tired :( I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I might be the only person who experiences this in the way I do. It’s gotten so bad that during intimacy or self-pleasure, I feel like I’m acting on a thought — like my body is moving because of it. It’s terrifying and deeply hurtful. The moment it happens, I immediately panic, try to rewind everything in my head, and ruminate to figure out what I was thinking at that exact second… but I can never remember. That makes it even worse. feel so lost and hopeless, like I’ll never be able to heal or move on from this. People tell me “it’s just OCD,” but it doesn’t feel like OCD to me. It feels like I’m the exception — like no one else truly experiences it like this, especially the part where it feels like I physically responded to a thought. I know people say “others go through this too,” but my mind keeps saying, “not like this, not this specific thing.”Sometimes I just wish I could go back and relive those moments so I could be sure what happened, but I know that’s not possible. I feel so stuck in guilt and doubt that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m scared I’m a bad person and that I’ll always feel this way. I’ll never be free or be the same again everyday I live with deep depression

danaiii

Date posted: 15w

Spiralling

I had a really stressful couple of weeks and it's all hitting me right now. I cannot for the life of me shut off my brain my thoughts for a little and it feels like drowning. It's 1 a.m. here and I'm feeling completely hopeless like this feeling is going to last forever. I'm feeling like I can't use the tools I've been given my my psychologist and my meds feel like they've stopped working. I feel like by the end of the end I'm going to lose my mind. I usually am able to find some silver lining but today has been so bad. Everything triggers me and I have really bad intrusive thoughts about dying and finding some peace but I know that's not what I want. It's just so difficult navigating life when your brain works against you. I'm so tired and defeated and I feel like I have no one to turn to, but even that is some form of reassurance and it makes me spiral that I decide actively against it. I just feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm going "insane" from the distress. All my failed friendships and relationships have come back to haunt me and I feel like I can't get out of the house. All my sort comings are layed out in front of me and I feel like I am the worst person in the world and nothing will fix that. I have some real bad thoughts about my friends and family. And I know alla of this is classic symptoms of OCD but even though I know I can't rationalize and come to peace with them. I'm so envious of people being able to lead a normal life without this burden and in my mind it's just highlights all my shortcomings. I've had moments like this before but the last really nasty one was four years ago when I was yet undiagnosed and I really felt insane back then. I was hoping that when this happened to me again I'd be more capable of handling it but I don't think I am. I'm constantly on a battle against my mind and some times I win and sometimes I lose. I'm sorry for the rant I just feel extremely hopeless right now.

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sleep deprived and drained

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