Hi everyone,
My name is Trevin (24,male,he/him) and Iโm new to this app and this is my first post. Hereโs how Iโm feeling today:
OCD frustrates the hell out of me. Mostly when it becomes hard for me to comprehend.
A few weeks ago I had convinced myself I have Huntingtonโs Disease (or will have it in the future). I was reading symptoms that overlap with how I was feeling at that time, and started drawing connections to my life. Some large connections, like my grandma who has parkinsonโs, and my psychiatrist augmenting my SSRI with memantine, fixating on โwhat it meansโ for me, a young, healthyish individual to be on an โold personโ drug. Some longshot connections linked to Huntingtonโs, like my above average intelligence and large head size. Each symptom I found that โclickedโ my OCD made the anxiety ramp up.
I shut this down fairly quickly as I could tell it was unrealistic and it felt very clearly that it was OCD.
However, on days like today, my OCD is a much more undefeated beast, not dissimilar to a Rancor. Unfortunately I am not a Jedi. Today, my OCD just feels like nothing feels right. I feel like my entire perception of the world is different today. Iโm drowning in it. The sky looks different, the coldness against my skin feels more piercing than it normally would. My thoughts just feel like a whirlpool, like I canโt place a finger on a single thought I have. They are moving fast and swirling like a galactic orb or nebula. Everything just feels โoffโ. And that makes me frustrated and angry. I feel like I have no control of myself.
TLDR; I fucking hate this disorder. And I hate its name too. More often than not, I donโt feel like I have an obsession or compulsion. Itโs just a feeling or perspective distortion. Maybe a better name for OCD is Control & Doubt Disorder, or Obsessional Uncertainty Disorder. I hate searching OCD online and it simplifying the hell out of it: โObsessions that lead to compulsionsโ. Girl, I wish it was that fucking cut and dry and easy to delineate. I still insist to my psychiatrist that I have a different disorder in addition to OCD, because what I feel doesnโt โfeelโ like OCD. They, of course, insists that this is OCD about OCD.
Ugh, frustrated, whatever :P
Thanks for reading ๐ซถ๐ป