Intentional intrusive thoughts during pleasure and masterbation

@rxby_ That last part is something a mental healthcare worker said to me, that if we really were pedophiles or predators, we wouldn’t be feeling as guilty and disgusted by those images as we do.

Read your message made me feel better you're my comfort person on this app 😭 it's like very hard cuz I feel like if I thought it intentionally what does that say about me you know

If you're still on this app but I feel like I need your help

Its so hard because it feels like you choose it yk stays in your head for a long period of time

Its just hard to deal with because while doing it I thinked the thought and like it just stayed there it was dominant in my head for few moments i felt so weird and terrible because of it

It's kind of like this my head just thinks things and I thought something terrible and it just dominate your mind, making it difficult to focus on activities and causing significant distress. Because it's occupied and focused on that thought and then it feels like you acted on that u know what what I mean

@Anonymous Hey I’m so sorry it took a while for me to get back to you. Yes! That’s happened to me too, the same thing HOY described. sometimes I also purposefully re-think of the intrusive thought to test if I actually have a bodily response from it. And sometimes I do. and that makes me feel even more terrible but I read on an OCD Reddit thread that intrusive groinal responses are a common thing to my surprise. And your mind will trick you into thinking deep down you do feel those things but it’s a lie. Our minds are sadly plagued with a very serious debilitating disorder and it’s in no way shape or form your / our faults. You are a victim. We are. And I recently read that the more you try to push the thoughts away or ignore them the stronger they get that’s just how OCD works. The only thing that has helped me is medication. I recently got prescribed trazadone and it’s been great. I hope you can also get the medication and / or therapy you deserve to have

@4lpinesUnd3r Not only that I was also watching another video earlier today it was like an animated video it was like a girl saying want to see my kitties and kitties is like a slang for like breasts and then like out of her breast a cat came out and I felt so Disturbed cuz it feels like oh what if I was getting to the cat or oh what if I knew what the title meant but I just clicked it anyway but as soon as I'm sorry I clicked off of it I'm so lost I don't even know what to do at this point it's like an animal popped up but it's like a cartoon but still it's disturbing I didn't climax next to it or anything at least but I can't live like this anymore I don't know what to do I feel so helpless I just want to know if I'm not alone if you had a similar experience or anyone else had I don't know I sound like a fool but yeah not in the right head space

@Anonymous Something similar happened to me when I was around 10 years old. I was master****** and my dog came up next to me. And I got an intrusive thought saying I was getting turned on by dog and I kept replaying that intrusive thought, like self sabotaging, then I had thoughts saying touch the dog while you’re master****** so I did and that lead me to think of myself as someone who committed beastiality and because of that I avoided my dog for months and was always praying asking for forgiveness for committing this act. Then eventually these thoughts went away and I was able to forgive myself and realize those weren’t my real feelings. At that time I did not have therapy or a diagnosis or medication and I was keeping all of this a secret from my family because they didn’t believe in mental health. Fast forward 19 years, I’m 29, I own 2 cats. I was doing the deed when suddenly my cats jumped on the bed and I had the same intrusive thoughts. But this time I was able to push them away and coach myself through it I kept telling myself over and over it’s just the ocd it’s just the ocd. Try to ignore the thoughts by doing something else like play videogames or watch videos and you will feel uncomfortable still but just ignore it for as long as you can and hopefully, eventually the thoughts will fade. But you will get them again, I do. But I do the same thing, tell myself over and over it’s just the OCD. Our minds are tricking us. The fact that you feel so bad and horrified at yourself shows that those thoughts didn’t genuinely come from you. Because if you were really the type of person that’s a creep / predator you would not be feeling as bad and disgusted. actual predators, do not feel about those things at all and have no remorse for those thoughts. For me, because I have been assaulted in the past, these types of intrusive thoughts really get to me and I feel disgusted by myself but remember, that’s not who we are, our minds are trying to deceive us, because our minds / brains are sick / ill. & it’s not our faults. You don’t deserve to feel this way. You’re a good person trust me.

@Anonymous Just to clarify I touched the dog with my foot while master******. Not actually doing sexual acts to it. And the pleasure was not being derived from touching the dog, it was from the deed itself. But ofc, my mind tricked me into thinking it was because I was touching the dog. OCD is such a complex, vicious disorder. I’ve talked about this very thing with a licensed therapist and they agreed that of course I wasn’t getting pleasure from the dog and that it is more common than you might think, for people to have these same battles with OCD. So if a licensed professional is telling me that that’s not who I am and it was just the OCD, you can assume one would tell you the exact same thing.

I have a question did it feel like the thoughts occupied your mind was to look forward I felt like it was all you can think about when you were doing something like it's hard to redirect your focus

@Anonymous depends, sometimes I can think of something else, other times, it just clouds me

@HOY Right it feels so difficult cuz like I was just tell myself my mind just thinks you can't really control what you think sometimes you'll like just think things your mind just thinks and sometimes it'll just think things that you don't like and it's hard cuz like OCD makes you think I enjoy these things it makes me believe that I've done things on purpose or like I was purposely thinking these things are that I was morally focused on the thoughts you get what I mean

@Anonymous yeah I get what u mea. There are also people who did these things on purpose to test ocd, and its made them feel worse, like myself. But the one thing u should remember, is that no answer will end OCD. So if something out of ur control happens, just let it happen, thats the only way to defeat ocd

@HOY Thank you you made me feel better so like was it like purposefully like pocd thoughts

@Anonymous people would purposely think intrusive thoughts to test if they have a reaction to them, I am one of them, and it backfired sometimes, so yeah. I realized its best to just let it pass.

@Anonymous Plus, ur body is on high alert due to your anxiety/ocd, so its going to react to your intrusive thoughts in different ways, intentional or not

@HOY Was it while masterbation because that was for me have you ever felt like you were masterbating more to your thoughts than like a video or picture

@Anonymous Yeah man, exactly like that

@HOY Man I'm glad I'm not alone ty Its just hard also do have doubt in the back of my mind I always have urges to go back to pornography to yk do it without the thoughts

@HOY I'm trying to get to a therapist but none of them are available I want help right away and I don't know what to do

@Anonymous Hello, sorry! Yes, the thoughts were debilitating for me. I have mental compulsions and physical compulsions and I would be stuck for hours doing them. And yes my OCD would also trick me, and make me think that I had the thought because I must actually like those things I must deep down inside be a a pedophile or rapist. As young as 7, I would have these feelings and I grew up in a household that didn’t think mental healthcare was important. I could have benefitted from the right medications and the right therapist for me. I didn’t get mental help until I was 24 when I got diagnosed with severe OCD. If you don’t have health insurance through your parents, if you got a full time job, they would give you insurance. And then insurance will allow you to get diagnosed by a psychiatrist you have to tell them everything you posted, it feels embarrassing it feels scary but it’s necessary for the diagnosis. Then you can explore different medications that will really help with the thoughts. I take sertraline and the thoughts have minimized and when I do get them I’m able to tell myself it’s just the OCD.

Yes

@Anonymous 🤍 That's exactly what I'm going through but for me I feel like I actually did it in that discomforts me and I don't know what to do

@Anonymous 🤍 Yes I do all the time and I feel like if I actually did do these thoughts id turn myself in

@Anonymous I am here for you 🖤even if I don’t always reply because of my busy life please always know and remember that I go through the exact same thing, and there are probably hundreds of us out in the world that struggle with these things. you are a good person. You deserve to forgive and love yourself. You are not a bad person by any means

@4lpinesUnd3r I'm going to stop masturbating but I feel so unsatisfied of how I did it i feel like I have to do it right yk like while I was doing it my mind was just thinking more about family or children than the video I don't know what to do and it feels like I intended to do that feels like I wanted to do that I don't even know what to believe anymore what do I even do

@Anonymous I stg I went through the exact same thing as you. Since the age of 7. And I spent many years hating myself and punishing myself. But as an adult, I wish I could give that child a hug. And I wish I could give you a hug and I hope eventually you’ll start to love yourself and realize it was never you, it’s OCD it’s a real illness we’re not just making excuses for ourselves. It’s really sad because OCD was never talked about when I was a kid and my dad didn’t believe in mental health. He saw me doing one of my rituals a couple times and he threatened to have me locked up in a mental ward if I didn’t stop. Because of this and other mistreatment growing up, I haven’t talked to him for 7 years. Or my siblings. I only talk to my mom and other family who are kind and supportive of me. That’s another thing, if your family can’t support you in the ways that you need, don’t feel bad about cutting them out of your life when you’re able to.

@4lpinesUnd3r It feels so tiresome because I stumbled upon some videos of like girls that are like modeling and in the background you could see like civilians and I saw one it was like a mom with the baby and a stroller and it felt like I was focused on that while I was doing it and I feel so awful and terrible because I was still going but then like I stop but in my head I was like you were doing that longer than expected are you into that and it's so terrible

@4lpinesUnd3r Also like when u masterbated did your brain make associations like for example you see someone in a video and then it reminds you of like an actor or something but for some reason you kept going in my case I felt like I kept going because I felt like I knew it was a thought I just try to power through it but I feel like I'm lying to myself now I don't know how to explain it but it's very weird like I was doing it and then my mind just thought of that but like I kept going it was In the heat of the moment

@Anonymous Yes absolutely. I have told myself while master****** that it’s just an intrusive thought and kept going. And yeah my brain has made associations. Like I work at a school and a girl in a corn video’s voice sounded like one of my students voices of course I was REPULSED at myself and did not want to think about her but it was an intrusive thought and I told myself that and kept going then I felt I was just making excuses for myself and that I was actually turned on by my student. But no, that is all part of OCD

@4lpinesUnd3r Yeah not only that the video I was looking at well it was a trans individual I was curious so after war dome yk finishing I was just looking at the video associated with the rights thought out of curiosity but I'm gonna stop watching porn all together tbh it's really hurting me and my mental I need to learn to forgive myself move forward

@Anonymous Something I’ve learned about OCD having it for 20 years and a therapist agreed with me, OCD attacks the things we love and will target your personal morals. For me, I hate rape and assault so I will get intrusive thoughts of raping people I know, close friends, family, even my gf. and it sounds like you also have the same morals, you’re disgusted by perversion and pedophilia and so your OCD targets that and gives you intrusive thoughts about those things

@4lpinesUnd3r It feels so real to it feels like I genuinely enjoy it I don't even know what's the real me anymore

@Anonymous Yes, you absolutely deserve to forgive yourself 🖤

@4lpinesUnd3r Also another thing like after you get done you know doing your thing have your genitals ever twitch and Ii knd of leaks while you look at something unrelated like say for instance like a child or a family member it's so terrible

@Anonymous I know exactly what you mean. Therapists and other people with OCD on the podcast I mentioned have said that OCD will make you think that’s who you really are. I noticed in your bio you have sexual orientation OCD. I have that as well! I am female, I have a gf and identify as queer. I get intrusive thoughts of me being with men. Then my OCD will make me think, maybe I’m straight and I’m just lying to myself. But on that podcast, there was an episode with a girl going through the exact same thing as me. So sexual orientation OCD is common and it doesn’t affect only me & you. Lots of people suffer from it. You sound like a really good person to me. And if you’re this repulsed by harming someone or raping someone that tells me that you genuinely are a good person and doing bad things like that disgusts you & that says a lot

@4lpinesUnd3r Yeah but also not only that I just like when I saw like an unrelated image I just kind of said like no but like for some reason my head my mind is giving me this false thing I know I didn't do it but like it's telling me oh yeah you grabbed your private part while looking at it and I feel like I'm going insane lol

@Anonymous I know it seems really scary to tell a therapist about these thoughts but I have told a therapist from NOCD everything I told you, every horrendous detail and they’ve never told me I was dangerous or at risk of harming someone, they told me this is completely normal and common with OCD and they thoughts me how to coach myself through these thoughts and validated that I am a good person and not a rapist, a pedophile etc. I hope you feel some validation from our conversations and that you truly know you’re a good person. I hope someday you can also talk to a therapist because it really helps to hear a professional say that you aren’t a bad person and that these thoughts are intrusive and involuntary / out of our control

@Anonymous Don’t worry, I have experienced this too. Like I’ll be watching a movie with kids or see an image of something and my brain will be like “you got turned on by that just now”. medication has helped me a lot too, I still get intrusive thoughts but I’m not as anxious from them and it’s easier for myself to say it’s just OCD and I don’t feel that intense self hatred and spiral into depression like before when I was a kid and in my early 20’s

@4lpinesUnd3r So that part were like the thoughts like it makes you feel like okay say you looked at a child for like a split second and you know you close off and you know do your thing but then your mind will tell you that you touched yourself but now you don't know what to believe because it feels so real

@4lpinesUnd3r Yeah but for me this was like post like masturbation and you know I was curious so I was looking at transgender like stars on YouTube and like I came across a trans child and then my private kind of just twitched I clicked off but my thoughts made it feel like I touched myself to it even though I know I didn't do it but it feels so real to the point I don't know what to believe anymore but yeah I'm honestly just stop I don't really see myself as you know queer not that there's anything wrong with it but it was just something I wanted to experiment with but like my thoughts are running rampant because it's telling me that I was getting off to it when I know I didn't my thoughts are just lying but it's just hard to differentiate it now have you ever felt like you've done something you know you didn't but it feels so real

@Anonymous When that happens to me, sometimes my “private part” will react. And then I’ll be like oh my god I really am a pedophile. But I read on a Reddit thread that this happens to others too! And it’s called “intrusive groinal response” and our ocd brains can make us do things because it wants us to think we are what we fear the most

@Anonymous Do you have rituals that you do? For me I’ve had many throughout the years but the ones I do now are head nodding and repeating phrases in my head random phrases that don’t even make sense I’ll tell you just because I know you think you’re crazy, but a phrase I repeat mentally is “gorgeous girl” weird I know it doesn’t make any sense. And I’ll close my eyes and nod my head 3 times.

@Anonymous I’m doing the nodding right now because conversations like this isn’t easy for us to talk about I’m sure you’re feeling anxious just talking about this and you’re very brave for opening up to someone about it and sharing your experiences.

@Anonymous When I was little, I would get religious imagery and religious themed intrusive thoughts because I was heavily Christian when I was a kid, not so much now. But I would do the sign of the cross and kiss my hand and if I didn’t do that then I would feel the intrusive thoughts were my own thoughts / on purpose and that I intentionally was thinking those things. Another thing I’d do when I was little was jump in three’s, literally anywhere. In school, at home, in restaurants. And my family and classmates would notice and they ridiculed me. Because there wasn’t much research about OCD when I was a kid

@4lpinesUnd3r Yeah but now we got each other so you're not alone either but yeah for my case it's just like my thoughts told me I did something I know I didn't do but now it feels like I believe it I don't even know anymore like it's weird

@Anonymous And I would do these things as many times as it took to “feel right” very common ocd thing. And I would do the things anywhere between 3 times to literally 50-100 times a day. And then when I was mentally exhausted of doing them, my ocd would be like “oh you must not feel bad for the thoughts, you actually think those things then” and I would get depressed for weeks feeling hopeless thinking I was going to hell. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now if you aren’t receiving therapy or medicine. My family thought therapy and medicine meant I was crazy and they were embarrassed by stuff like that they still to this day don’t even know what I went through / I’m going through. but today, there’s so much research on pure OCD and there’s a stigma on therapy and medicine like oh I’m not crazy I don’t need that stuff. But it’s not that we’re crazy, our brains are chemically imbalanced and I believe that medicine is necessary. I’m sorry if you don’t have the support that I have now. I didn’t have medicine or therapy for my whole life until I was 24. I think it’s wrong for family to stigmatize mental health because it’s the same as physical health, the brain can become sick and it’s not our faults

@Anonymous Although I am more than happy to be here for you, I can’t always be, as you can tell, sometimes I don’t respond for a while. And it’s not because I don’t want to, I wish I could always be there for you but realistically I can’t always be and it wouldn’t be healthy for me or for you either. How old are you if you don’t mind me asking?

@4lpinesUnd3r 18

@4lpinesUnd3r I failed the urges got to me idk why but I did it to a video that gave me I intrusive thoughts idk what to do anymore it's like those thoughts were in the back of my mind already I feel like I'm doing it to myself I hate myself have u had something similar to this

@4lpinesUnd3r I'm going insane rn like my OCD kind of did it again and for some reason when I had my thoughts I was looking at the ethnicity of the actress in the video and it reminded me of a 15 year old that I know in high school but for some reason like in my head okay I was like it's just an intrusive thought and I kept going like I don't know what to do anymore cuz I felt like I thought it on purpose I feel like a terrible person because I feel like I purposely thought it and I think I did it just I just think that's it I don't know what to do anymore

@Anonymous Feels constant it feels like I'm choosing to do it and I don't know why like it feels like I'm purposefully doing it like I'm choosing it am I just some sick weirdo or something cuz like why also not only that when I'm you know doing my thing it just feels like I'm acting out on it I don't know it it's like a cognitive thing or something but like when I think the thoughts for some reason like I kept going it's cuz like I guess a part of me knows it is a thought but still like also on the other half I'm just like tired of like stopping halfway and you know then doing it again I'm just trying to get it over with but like I feel like I'm making that excuse for myself my mind is like saying like oh you like those thoughts and you were doing it I feel like I'm going insane right now lol I don't know what do I even do at this point I feel so far gone

@4lpinesUnd3r Also had felt like I purposely thought an intrusive thought of my dad and I feel so grossed out cuz why did I think that I fell back into it once more but this time I'm going to actually stop fr it's very stressing to the point I don't even know what I think is real anymore

@4lpinesUnd3r Have you actually felt like you international thought the thought out of your own free will