I feel so scared all the time

I’ve given up with the confessing. I feel so drained and irredeemable that why even confess anymore? I don’t know if this is a good thing. On paper, it looks great. My bf thinks I’m better, but I feel like I’m dying. The attraction, arousal, urges, compulsions are all getting so much stronger. I feel like I’m embracing a monster. The POCD is driving me mad. I genuinely cannot see kids anymore because it’s immediate checking compulsions and intrusions. I need help. Has anyone gotten to this point and made it back to “normal”? I feel like a pedophile who is simply ashamed of being one.

r.m.1

Date posted: 12w

Almost everyone who does ERP (which you are kind of doing by cutting out some compulsions like confessing) says it gets worse before it gets better. I would strongly recommend to work with a therapist. It sounds like you’re at a really good place to do the work of ERP, but need that guidance for identifying and easing into cutting out all compulsions

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12w

@r.m.1 I had to stop therapy due to financial reasons but last time I met with her we figured out that figuring out my compulsions ended up being a compulsion 🥲 lmfao so I’m trying my best to be careful. I’m planning to see a therapist again as soon as I can. Thank you for your kindness

HOY

Date posted: 12w

yes

HOY

Date posted: 12w

I would go through the worst doubting periods, and then days later I would go "woah, its not that bad now"

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12w

@HOY It’s just been like this for months now and it doesn’t want to calm down no matter how much I try to keep living my life

BigGyro09

Date posted: 12w

I have these same fears and worries and about many other things. The way people would feel enthusiasm or optimism about something new they would do, I feel nothing but anxiety, worry, and dread. And these awful stupid intrusive thoughts don't make it better. I'm sorry that you keep having to deal with this annoying thing all the time

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12w

@BigGyro09 I’m sorry :( you described exactly what I experience with the dread. It’ll get better for us, this terribly obnoxious disorder

nae nae

Date posted: 12w

Like the comment above said: it gets worse before it gets better :') Whenever I've gone from immediately compulsively confessing to just cutting off the compulsions cold turkey, my intrusive thoughts get louder, and the urges to do compulsions are stronger. It's like OCD intensifies x10... But every time I've pushed through, it'll eventually quiet down, and I'll feel a LOT better. This actually is something I recently dealt with, and I'm still recovering from it, but I'm doing so, so much better. It might return, it might not, but it feels like it's getting easier to manage... I'm really sorry you're getting these distressing thoughts that are making you question or doubt who you are as a person. I can relate a lot, especially with the last thing you said. But you wouldn't be here making this post if that's really who you were. You're a kind person. Those of us with OCD just care almost too deeply about everything 🥲

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12w

@nae nae It’s more like my confessing compulsions have calmed down, but my checking compulsions are at their absolute max. Does that make sense? I keep momentarily sexualizing things that should not be sexualized, and I keep checking so much that I’m basically causing my own intrusive thoughts to show up before my OCD even has the chance to. I cannot stop analyzing my sensations and feelings, it is just constant. It’s all of that at once. I’m really relieved the confessing has settled, but it feels like all the other compulsions have been dialed up by ten. Also I’m really glad to hear you’re doing better! And thank you, seriously, you’re so kind 💛🫂

nae nae

Date posted: 12w

@issphra 🫶🏻 Yeah, that makes total sense, and I went through a lot of what you described, too. You're not alone on that. It had me STRESSED and thinking it was real, and that this time it was different. It's kind of like OCD trying to make up for the attention it's no longer receiving. So, so annoying, like just leave us alone damn😭😭 It's so overwhelming and really just sucks all the energy out of you. I'm sorry it's been constant and all at once. With this disorder, it just feels like one thing after another... I'm glad the confessing has settled down, at least. I know that's been a big compulsion for you, so that's great progress 🫂 it doesn't make what you're going through now any less distressing, but it's proof of the strength you carry.

#@Janie2.0#

Date posted: 17w

Feeling the need to confess

Hi, the last few days I have again really struggled with my pocd however it has only been focussed on one child. I am afraid I might think something so bad that if the parents would know they would hate me forever and I won’t be allowed to come there anymore. I constantly feel the need to check if I can think of these horrible things and the find out I can, my thoughts get more disturbing everytime because I constantly fear I will think of something more disturbing. I really feel the need to confess because I just can’t believe the parent would ever want to see me again if they knew and therefore I am obligated to tell them. I feel I can never become a good person if I don’t confess this to them. I am also really trying to not confess within this post as I know it will only make things worse. Is there anyone that can relate to this and is it really possible to heal without confessing this? And also are there any tips of how I can get myself to sleep I am so sleep deprived I cannot even go to school anymore. I am in the process of seeking professional help however this process goes awfully slow and I really do not know what to do hence this post. So to summarise is it really possible to heal from pocd without confessing to the people I am hurting with the absolutely disturbing thoughts that I have, there not just thoughts a pedophile would have they are way worse.

POCD

please44I

Date posted: 11w

Pocd

Why am I not anxious? Like at all anymore? Is it because I'm really avoiding and trying not to think of the consequences that come from possibly being a pdfile? Is the only thing that is worrying me about it is the consequences then does it mean that I really am one? But I never masturbated to the thought of a child and actively seeked it. It came as intrusive thoughts while I was doing it yes I've had them when I see kids yes and I question and check a lot if I'm attracted to them and its just confusing me, I know I'll never do anything to hurt a child and I don't even like the idea of becoming a pdfile then why am I not anxious enough about it? The thoughts are just distressing obsessive I feel disgusting and Id say I still do compulsions but I don't know something just doesn't feel right. I don't feel anything and no real attraction to anyone or anything anymore. I just feel so disgusting and I just want to be normal but then again I pretty much did this to myself. It's weird to me I know there isn't a real indication I'm a pdfile and past experiences pretty much prove that and I've always been attracted to older guys so why is this happening now? Why am I getting these thoughts now especially right after I was trying to fix this sexual obsession/tension I had for older guys. Is my brain just leaving one thing to love and be obsessed about and going to the other? I'm really really just confused. Not anxious just distressed confused and uncomfortable. Like I want to throw up but I don't feel intense anxiety in my chest it feels like maybe I haven't processed what's going on properly. I'm genuinely so confused and I don't want to have this stay in my mind. Sometimes I just miss my ex so much because at the time I've felt something I felt so much things even though I had really bad rocd. I just miss loving people again and being alive again. I'm so scared and confused right now can anyone explain to me what is this? I genuinely just want to understand what I'm feeling or thinking because its not making sense to me

jazzyj4799

Date posted: 8w

I’m Scared my undiagnosed POCD isn’t OCD

Im 16 years old and female and up until very late last year and this year I’ve been having thought almost every day that I’m a pedophile or that I’m sexually attracted to or want a romantic relationship with child. I don’t know how to explain it and I don’t want judgment because I’m genuinely so scared and disgusted, but anytime I’m around children I feel my chest tighten, my body feels warm and it feels like I don’t know how to breathe. I sometimes get a groomer response but even then I don’t know if it’s a ground response or not. Also I tend to stare at children when I’m anywhere near them, I feel like if I don’t I’m a weirdo and if I don’t look at them it means I’m attracted to them which I guess could be POCD but I feel like I stare at them inappropriately. Not too long ago maybe three weeks ago I went to the park with my family and there were two girls in their swim suits and I was looking at their backsides and I felt really anxious and scared like I usually do but I felt so upset by looking at them that way and now I’m scared to go to pools or splash pads because every time I do I feel like I stare at them gross and I just feel so disgusted with myself. When I tell myself not to look I end up looking and then I stare. I feel better when I’m not around them but even then, I look back at what I saw earlier that day and I feel anxious again and then I look up what’s been happening and then I feel more worried it’s not OCD. My friends who have OCD say I might have it but I can’t get a therapist, I can’t talk to anyone I’m scared I’ll be put in jail and that I’m not a good person. I’ve never head thoughts like this until this year and near the end of last year and they come now? I don’t know what to do.

POCD

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I feel so scared all the time

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