anyone else ever think back to something they innocently did at a very young age and your ocd tells you it’s proof of whatever your worry or obsession is

Really??? Like I never cared about that part of my life until HOCD came around to bite me! And used this as evidence that I've been hiding this supposed side of myself since that time when I was a child ?? plus, I was never really all that boy crazy but I remember having crushes here and there on boys

@NocturnalGyal Weirdly enough, my mom told me that she would have “kissing parties” with her girlfriends around 9-10 at sleepovers and they’d watch her dads porn. My boyfriend also said when he was a kid him and his guy friends would steal porn from their parents magazines and sit around and look at them together as preteens. I think it’s normal for kids to be curious and probably there’s a level of comfort in sharing that experience with your friends which at that age is usually the same gender. I understand what you mean by it came to bite you in the ass, ocd has a fun way of doing that ?

@Gru yep! i’ve realized with ocd (especially hocd because that’s what i suffer from) our ocd brains take very normal things and make them triggers and make you think that’s proof that you are what your ocd makes you think you are

yep that exact thing has happened to me. something that keeps coming up and bothering me is when i was 5 or 6 my little brother was born. i wanted to know how babies were born so i looked it up on my moms phone and i have hocd so now i keep thinking back to that and i’m like “did i know how a baby was born and i just wanted to see it” and it’s really bothering me. i was young i had no clue and i was curious

I expiremented with another girl when I was about 7 or 6, we played girlfriend and boyfriend. That memory is what got me so far deep into my HOCD ??

@NocturnalGyal yea that would freak me out too. idk why mine have so much to do with births but maybe because there was so many births in my family when i was young. but my brothers wife had their baby and i was upset i couldn’t be in the room to see it. i was 12, which i feel like is too old to just be curious so it freaks me out. like why did i want to be in there? idk but it’s something i can’t let go of because my ocd makes me think it’s solid proof that i’ve always been bi. but who the hell likes watching births, even if they do like girls. it’s not attractive so wth. idk but it freaks me out. i always thought my brothers wife was pretty but nothing more. i looked up to her her and wanted to be like her. i still look up to her because her and i are very close and she’s pretty much my sister but my hocd freaks me out

@kaysf I understand how ocd convinces you one thing, but if it is any consolation, as an outsider I don’t find that weird or creepy or a lesbian tendency. I think that’s very normal. It’s a regular thing to be curious about, and also with the whole ocd in play it could have became an obsession to you which is just fine. Our problems are not stemmed from the root of our obsession, they’re created by how we process the thought and how they align to the expectations we put on ourselves

I'm similar but I was the younger brother, my older bro would show me porn and I would always watch it from 8 years old, since I can remember really now. He was abused at 13 by a 19 year old and I remember being there thinking if I would be involved too, I remember him pulling her top up and I would try and do the same thing, I was only 8 then as he's 5 years older than me. I also remember them saying I couldn't get an erection and I proved them wrong, but got in trouble for it. It was all a bit fucked up really but I feel like that's why I have so many intrusive thoughts today. When I got older about 11 - 12 I would play Grand Theft Auto and you can get prostitutes, but my little sister used to watch and I feel like I made her watch. So I felt like I was doing the same thing as what I learnt before and showing her stuff. I feel sick when I think about it, but we were all just kids who didn't know any better. I try and let go of it but I feel like what if I did abuse her, what if that makes me a pedophile, I don't even wanna think about it really, but it makes me sick.

@charliebee I feel the same way, it makes me feel horrible and sick to my stomach. My younger siblings never had any clues I watched porn as I made sure they were in no way involved but now I think back to the situation and I think it was still fucked up for me to be watching it while they’re in the room. With the grand theft auto, I wouldn’t blame yourself so much. My older step brother and cousins always played in front of me. I’m sorry you went through what you did, your brother as well. That must’ve been really hard on you guys to grow up with!

Thinking too much about it all now, it's tough thinking about how it all happened. Just feel like such a fucked up person.

@Gru I've only realised how bad it was recently, it's kind of always just been there.

@Gru My older stepbrother was sexually abused in foster care, he asked me when I was 7 if I wanted to have sex with him. I was shocked he asked me but I thought if it was so easy for him to offer then it must not be as bad as everyone made it out to be, I said yes. Luckily for me he decided that wasn’t a good idea and instead we showed each other our privates... it wasn’t a big deal. But I never thought he targeted me, we were 7 & 8 and sex at that age just feels like a myth, like you don’t understand the gravity of that act so you’re curious about why it’s so sacred

@Gru At that age you're just so curious and innocent, so sorry about your step brother.