Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23d

my POCD has won and I’m a horrible human being

*PLEASE READ* *any help appreciated* So I work with kids and it’s a lightning rod for triggering my POCD. I work with a mental health org that supports kids with autism and other intellectual development disorders. And so I’ve grown really close with one kid since I started since I was his first ever staff and he was the first ever kid I worked with. I’ve grown really protective of him and we’ve become really close and our relationship truly means the world to me. But before I get into my little incident, I have to provide context: so I am hypersexual and struggle with compulsive masturbation and my urges are almost uncontrollable sometimes. I have a lot of trauma from foot fetish stuff/pornography as a kid and it’s carried on into my adult life unfortunately. And so as I was waking up my kid and trying to get him out of bed to get him into the shower (I usually give him a few extra minutes but if he’s uncooperative I have to pull him out of bed gently) and so I just shift him by his legs bc it’s easiest. And my urges and thoughts have been so bad lately and when he wasn’t cooperating, as I was shifting his legs today, his foot touched my private area and I carried on normally but now I feel like a monster and everything I fear. I need some advice bc I’m scared to even talk to my therapist about this bc I think I will go to jail. I don’t want to be like this and I hate POCD so much and I rlly care so much for this kid and would actually die for him to protect him. I just need someone to tell me I’m not crazy bc idk if that contact between us was intentional or not and I have not spiraled like this for so long. I truly am losing my mind and want to give up bc I know I am not the person my POCD tells me I am but now I feel like I am everything it calls me. I feel so ashamed and repulsed and disgusted in myself and wish I didn’t exist. I feel like I’ve exploited my kid and taken advantage of him and that I don’t deserve to have him in my life and that I don’t even deserve to life and would be better off in jail or dead. im so broken and I’m sorry if what im saying is confusing

Kei1

Date posted: 22d

Honestly to me you seem like a really good person it’s really nice how you care for that kid I wish I had someone to care for me like that he’s really lucky he has you I hope you can overcome this 🫂

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22d

@Kei1 this means so much to me and warms my heart thank u so much <33333

princeps orb...

Date posted: 23d

You didn't act upon any thought so it means that you are not a bad person and that you really don't like your intrusive thoughts. You wouldn't go to jail for disclosing this to a therapist because if this ocd subtype has a name it means that other amazing people SUFFER from it.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22d

@princeps orbis terrarum but the thing is that thought was on my mind when that little contact between us happened so it makes me think i did it intentionally and im spiraling over that :( ive cried so much over it already

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22d

@Anonymous so i am scared i did act upon my thought bc if pulling his leg/foot towards that area of my body was what was on my mind and i did it, that makes me a bad person :(

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22d

@princeps orbis terrarum but i appreciate your comment thank u so much :’))

Nkimes

Date posted: 22d

I had a similar situation when I was a behavioral technician so I ended up leaving the field entirely and my pocd kept telling me I was a pedophile but honestly you got this please remember that your thoughts aren’t who you really are ❤️

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22d

@Nkimes sending you love, i hope you’re doing better now 🩵 and thank you :))

YouWillSurvive

Date posted: 22d

Well the fact that you're freaking out so much about it definitely sounds like it's just OCD my friend. I totally relate about the trauma from porn, really fucked me up too and I STILL don't really know the best way to heal from it. The way your writing also sounds like how I was in my moments of anxious downward-spirals, but they do pass. You're disturbed by the POCD, disturbed by all the thoughts, feelings, and sensations your having, and you care about this kid...so to me I can INER that you AREN'T as horrible a person as you think you are. It's natural to feel really bad when dealing with this stuff, I get it.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 21d

@YouWillSurvive your words truly mean so much to me thank you ❤️‍🩹

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22d

also i forgot to include this but for context: i had a thought of pulling his foot to my private area and that’s exactly what happened in that moment—so that’s why i am spiraling and think i have jeopardized my entire relationship with him

Anonymous

Date posted: 22d

When I was twelve years old I kissed my baby cousin on the mouth. I was a kid too and it was just non-sexual affection but I went through the exact same spiral as you remembering it when I developed pOCD. I had to write it down on the notes app and show it to my mom because I couldn’t get the words out. You’re not going to jail. You didn’t do anything

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22d

@Anonymous Yeah but I am 24 years old and did this

Anonymous

Date posted: 22d

@Anonymous Babes it’s not one to one

Anonymous

Date posted: 22d

@Anonymous I guess the point I’m making is I’m not trying to reassure you. I can’t do that. Just that I’ve been there. Ive dealt with the fear that I’ve already done (not just thought) something irrevocable. You’re not alone in that. I promise

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22d

@Anonymous thank you for being here :’)

Turnagain1

Date posted: 21d

You’re good

Givenup

Date posted: 16w

Pocd and dr disrespect

I hope someone can respond... Im genuinely so triggered and so anxious... Dr disrespect was accused of inappropriately messaging and sending explicit images to a minor, and trying to meet up with them at twitchcon... my POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ explicit HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including the minors, when I was 19, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them in private (including the minors) about my 18+ explicit HOCD struggles... one was uncomfortable by it so i stopped messaging her... the other gave me reassurance so i kept asking her for reassurance... I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way... i dont ever want to EVER be a MAP, a P, or a gro*mer in any way... I dont ever want to be what my pocd says about me... im so scared... someone said that I need help, that I need to turn myself in, and that im hiding behind a diagnosis because of this situation... i genuinely feel so hopeless... I dont ever want to ever be a monster...

danielllll

Date posted: 16w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

Givenup

Date posted: 16w

Pocd and anxiety

I hope someone can respond... Im genuinely so triggered and so anxious... Dr disrespect was accused of inappropriately messaging and sending explicit images to a minor, and trying to meet up with them at twitchcon... my POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ explicit HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including the minors, when I was 19, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them in private (including the minors) about my 18+ explicit HOCD struggles... one was uncomfortable by it so i stopped venting to her after she told me she was uncomfortable by it twice... the other gave me reassurance so i kept asking her for reassurance for my 18+ hocd struggles... I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way... i dont ever want to EVER be a MAP, a P, or a gro*mer in any way... I dont ever want to be what my pocd says about me... im so scared... someone said that I need help, that I need to turn myself in, and that im hiding behind a diagnosis because of this situation... i genuinely feel so hopeless... I dont ever want to ever be a monster...

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my POCD has won and I’m a horrible human being

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