I see girls getting married at 22 and that always was my dream, i always wanted to marry young but i feel so unpure and soo not ready while before hocd i felt so ready to be in love and give my all to someone. So its so hard for me to see my dreams and personality and just spitit fall apart. I hope my dream can still come back and maybe it can even come true

Okay girls, something that really really bothers me is that hocd also took my girly side. The love for fashion, makeup, skincare all that is gone. Like i dont feel the passion and the joy of it snymore and i hate it so much. I always couldnt wait to be like 17 because i could wesr woman clothing and i could wear heels. But hocd got me sort of depressed and i cant feel the joy of doing thst snymore and i csnt deal with it. It used to make me so so happy. Whenever i was sad my way of coping and selfcare was putting on a mask and paint my nails or something but it just doesnt feel the same anymore. I hate thst i cant be the girly me i used to be. I feel like im just a big mess right now and ive waited so long for it to come back but it just never seems to happen. My biggest dream was to work in the fashion industry and ever since i was a child and it hurts me so much to see my childhood dreams go to waste. I feel so bad for the young girl me who had so much potential and she just was so driven and motivated and now im stuck. I litteraly am ruining myself and my chances in life. I havent felt genuine joy ever since hocd. I miss the feeling of womanhood just being a girl. I always have been girly since i was young and i just feel thst feeling fading away everyday and i miss it so much. Just wanting to dress up and also wanting to dress up for a cute guy u know all of those normal feelings are gone and it makes me someone im completely not.

I truly think this all comes from my childhood. Ive stumbled upon porn and damn that has ruined me. The doubt started small but like i knew i liked boys. But now... it has affected me to much. The doubt blew up and im lost. U know i hate that this goes in the way of me having a normal damn life and focussing on some real shit that matters like a jon or watever. Im litteraly out here ruining my teenage years and feeling like i have to come Out and feeling like im a damn lesbian . And u know, that thought doesnt even weird me out anymore??? And j freaking hate jt because if i heard myself saying this before hocd was in my life id laugh at myself. I even feel like i lost my femininity trough this. I canf feel sexy, pretty, elegant anything. I feel like a woman with a purple pixie cut who plays rock guitar and is lesbian while im truly sooo the opposite of that. I miss my old me so muuuch. She was tjis girl that dreamed about her man so innocently. I was so innocent like just here and being a girly girl and i loved that version of me. gosh i feel disgusting like these thoights in my head break me down. Im scared this will effect me forever. Even IF i get over this im scared that one day ill find a man and all of a sudden this returns and goes like, nope u like woman while im litteraly into the guy. Soo much fear. I feel like ill never be able to Love again without having something about my sexual orientation on my mind. What is this modern time doing to me??

I'm so hopeless. I have no one to talk about this, so I come here to vent about everything that has been on my mind, haunting me daily. Since I was a little girl, I've dreamt about my prince charming. I grew up with this in mind, but I never got in a relationship, as I've kept my heart shut, as I've dealt with melancholy and social anxiety. People scared me, and I wanted to make things right (on the way I saw fit for myself). Things got better, I grew up, made some friends. And then, on January, hocd came and changed everything. The fact that I watch same sex porn, and that I have never been in a relationship messed me up so bad. And amongst many thoughts, many what ifs, so much uncertainty, one thing is rock solid. I don't see myself with a woman, it doesn't feel right. Even the idea of being bisexual feels foreign for me. I have nothing against people who are LGBT, but that's not who I've always seen myself. And suddenly, that's all I can think of. Nothing else matters, I feel uncaring and cold. I feel like I'll never find a guy that I love, that im just now finding out that I'm LGBT even if I don't want that. I feel awful, and everyday I think about dying. If this thought crossed my mind before, I'd be so appalled by it, but today I'm pretty serious about it. Hocd is killing me little by little, and I'm crying as I write this. My mind tells me I'm in denial, that I'm just afraid of people's reactions, and that once I accept it, I'll be alright. But I don't want that, I simply don't. My mind doesn't work properly, I can't remember how I used to think before all this, but I remember having dreams, imagining scenarios of my "prince charming", of a future that made me cozy and happy. All that's in my mind now is torturous doubt, that feels so real.