Navigating the heartbreak of making the right decision

It is so hard to navigate the heart break of saying goodbye to someone for one side of them that's unhealthy, when the other side of them was so good. 💔 I am looking for advice on how to handle a back-and-forth internal fight in my heart and mind after making a major decision; for several days I can feel completely okay albeit a little sad about my choice, but then the next week I feel absolutely awful and think, "What the hell did I do?" I recently ended a very long-term relationship with my boyfriend. Over the last few years, I grew and focused on my well-being, while he remained stagnant. Though he could be affectionate, his behavior was often exhausting, performative, and controlling. He adopted (maybe unknown to him) a "toxic positivity/guru" type of persona—sometimes even policing whether or not my reactions were uplifting enough, or concise enough, etc—yet underneath the mask, I believe he is a genuinely vulnerable, lonely man who deserves compassion.I ended things firmly, sent a loving letter saying I can't be in a relationship right now, and requested no contact on phone after he was messaging me like it's any other day. Of course, it's not that I wanted to be so extreme, and I would love to get to a point where he and I can send letters or emails but I needed to draw a line. I felt secure in my choice (albeit still sad) until a massive wave of grief, sobbing, and guilt hit me yesterday. I am deeply worried about him being middle-aged and alone (he's kind of a lone wolf type of man), as I was his best friend and he doesn't have a lot of other friends in his immediate day to day life. I struggle with standard advice to "just cut off a toxic narcissist" because he wasn't just that, and I am genuinely mourning the vulnerable person beneath his complex persona. How do I navigate this intense guilt and worry for his well-being without breaking my boundaries? Any thoughts or shared experiences would be deeply appreciated.

screamingAll...

Date posted: 10h

I think in my experience with OCD and how it affects decision-making, OCD can make you feel obsessed with the "correctness" of a decision. One of the mottos that have always stuck by me is that you won't always feel 100% sure about a decision and might feel mixed feelings about it — and that is completely normal!

screamingAll...

Date posted: 10h

another quote i think about is is "empathy without boundaries is self destruction". it is a hard world out there and we are often hard on ourselves but it doesn't always excuse how it affects other people. hurt people hurt people

bluerainbow

Date posted: 10h

In my own experiences with narcissist, no contact is usually best for your own sanity. Also, every narcissist ive known usually does have people feeling bad for them, they are usually seen as vulnerable types but in my experience, its a trap. Get away and stay away is my advice if he is a narc. They never change because they dont think there is anything wrong and dont think they have to change. I learned the hard way that feeling bad for them is usually something they want and is just another tool they use for manipulation. Do whatever you want to do, but if your dealing with a narcissist its better to cut all contact for your own sanity

screamingAll...

Date posted: 10h

i think you also need to give yourself some forgiveness in how you navigate this; you even mentioned this was something that was something you dealt with for multiple years and this decision you made sounds pretty recent. It sounds like a pretty complex situation that will bring about pretty deep complex feelings and it is okay to not 100% know how you feel already about it! Give yourself the time and space to organically feel your emotions and thoughts. I feel like with me panic from my OCD makes me want to take action immediately to "fix" things sometimes but i have found that sometimes forcing urself to not jump to a decision and giving urself space can help a lot

bluerainbow

Date posted: 9h

I know your heart is involved, but my honest advice is to think about this with your head. And save yourself from more future heart break. Narcissist get you trauma bonded to them

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