When I was in kindergarten, an older kid at my babysitter’s house was sexually inappropriate with me. I felt horrible guilt about what had happened for a long time. It caused me to start having severe panic attacks at age seven. I constantly felt like I was carrying around a dirty secret. I couldn’t eat. The best way I can describe the guilt was the physical feeling that my stomach was heavy. I very recently, at the age of 18, had my first consensual sexual experience. Afterwards, I laid in bed next to the guy and silently endured a panic attack. I was afraid of feeling the guilt again. Like horribly afraid. I couldn’t calm myself down or logic it out in my head. This was after cancelling on this guy twice for fear of having sex and then feeling the guilt. I should capitalize that. The Guilt is more fitting. Guilt is something I cannot stand in the slightest, and the only way I could make myself stop panicking about this situation was to almost immediately tell my mom. Why? I’m an adult. I’m on the pill. It’s my personal life. She doesn’t need to know. But I was so afraid of The Guilt, and that was the only way to be sure I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Now I’m fine. But I’m afraid of not being able to enjoy certain aspects of my life because I’m so afraid of The Guilt returning.

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh

+18 only!! TW for sexual content!! (This might be TMI, but I need advice) So, this is kinda embarrassing, but I haven't been able to self-pleasure without feeling shame or guilt. It's so bad that I've just stopped altogether, but I don't want to avoid it. It was something I enjoyed and was comfortable with, and now, because of OCD, it just makes me feel... gross. It's a perfectly normal and healthy thing to do, but my mind just tries to convince me that it's wrong. Had anyone else dealt with this? It's not a huge issue, but I'm tired of unnecessary shame. :(

Being exposed to taboo p*rn as young as first grade ruined my life and now ocd is making me pay for it. I have so much guilt for being a child/teen and looking at taboo stuff, and it was all fictional or anime or whatever but it was still so so gross. and I didn't realize It because I had been used to it at so young 🫠 I think what haunts me most is when I was a kid/young teen (like 12-14ish) and didn't have access to p*rn I'd imagine stuff similar to what I'd seen in the art. I can't even believe I'd imagine scenarios involving kid characters or whatever because it had been so normalized to me and I assumed it was normal since it was fiction. I'm 23 now so it's been a decade since I've done anything like that and I've never had the urge to since but still. I've NEVER been attracted to kids or had any urges or anything ever, even when I was addicted. The thought makes me want to vomit, I'd rather die than associate anything sexual with kids/minors and I think people who groom or assault kids are vile. But I still feel like the fact that I imagined stuff similar to the things I read sometimes when I was young is proof I'm a p*do. I don't think people would believe me if I said I'm not. I just feel like I don't deserve to live or that if I do, I'm living a lie. I know 'I was a kid too' but even when I was 13/14 I read/imagined stuff with characters younger than me because I thought it was normal. I'm so disgusted. I've had this theme for so long I'm starting to wonder if ocd is right. I feel too ashamed to tell my therapist.