When I was in kindergarten, an older kid at my babysitter’s house was sexually inappropriate with me. I felt horrible guilt about what had happened for a long time. It caused me to start having severe panic attacks at age seven. I constantly felt like I was carrying around a dirty secret. I couldn’t eat. The best way I can describe the guilt was the physical feeling that my stomach was heavy. I very recently, at the age of 18, had my first consensual sexual experience. Afterwards, I laid in bed next to the guy and silently endured a panic attack. I was afraid of feeling the guilt again. Like horribly afraid. I couldn’t calm myself down or logic it out in my head. This was after cancelling on this guy twice for fear of having sex and then feeling the guilt. I should capitalize that. The Guilt is more fitting. Guilt is something I cannot stand in the slightest, and the only way I could make myself stop panicking about this situation was to almost immediately tell my mom. Why? I’m an adult. I’m on the pill. It’s my personal life. She doesn’t need to know. But I was so afraid of The Guilt, and that was the only way to be sure I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Now I’m fine. But I’m afraid of not being able to enjoy certain aspects of my life because I’m so afraid of The Guilt returning.

Ok so I’ve been kind of upset about this all day so I figured I would share this. I’m really nervous doing it because I don’t want to get judged for it. I feel so guilty about it all the time. So a couple of years ago I was babysitting a family friends kid, and they were crawling all over me, jumping up and down, and I wound up having a groinal response (I really don’t wanna say the kind.) I kind of put it in the back of my mind and forgot about it, but around last year I remembered and latched onto it and it threw me into my OCD spiral. I remembered this happened maybe two other times before that, and of course I felt weird and guilty by it. I didn’t experience any sexual arousal, yet this happened to me. I always had sexually intrusive thoughts ever since I was a little kid, so perhaps I was just having a groinal response to when that was happening because I was thinking “omg what if...” or whatever, but of course I can’t remember my thoughts. Now I know what a groinal response is and that they come in all shapes and sizes (lol) but because this happened *before* I realized I had POCD, my brain has convinced me that it was some kind of genuine attraction and that I wanted to do something bad

I got into porn around 14 or 15 I can’t remember, and I came across something really bad on accident. I don’t know if I knew how bad it was. It was literally on instagram. I have no idea why or how that was on there. But I ended up looking it up when I was 16 again and I touched myself to it. I am appalled and ashamed. I don’t know why I did it and I can’t get over the fact that I did. What was I thinking? I don’t understand how I could have done that and it doesn’t even feel like me because I can’t Imagine doing that now. But that doesn’t change the fact that I did. I just want help. Im scared to get help, I feel like I deserve to go to jail. I just want to get help and be a good person. I don’t want to do harm. I genuinely just want help. Im scared but I refuse to feel like I’m getting away with something awful so I want to tell a professional. It’s eating me alive. I can’t sleep or do anything without thinking about it. It runs my life. I can’t live with it and I can’t live this way feeling like a monster. I feel like I’m going to end myself one day. I feel like I’m lying about who I am to my family and I don’t want anyone to do anything nice for me. They think I’m a good person and I’m not. I wish I was. I feel like I’ve ruined myself and betrayed everyone. I feel so guilty and I feel sad. I don’t want to think about what my family would think. I feel like a lost cause.

Anyone else suffering from guilt and shame from sexual things they did as a kid when they didn’t know any better. And if so how do you cope with it I really need help thx