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- 5y
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Most professionals consider “TOCD” (ie gender identity OCD) as a natural extension of “HOCD” (ie sexual orientation OCD.) I personally had HOCD, got over it and didn’t struggle with it for years and then was hit with TOCD out of the blue. It’s a lot of the same ambiguous lines of thinking and similar cognitive distortions so it’s an easy trap for someone to fall into both, unfortunately. That doesn’t mean everyone who has one will necessarily get the other! But it’s quite common and if it happens, you should know you’re definitely not alone.
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∆∆∆∆ nicely said. They are very similar obsessions
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What helped you get over HOCD? Just curious as I’m still struggling with it. Great explanation btw
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@evkrey I leaned into it. I let the thoughts exist, sought out triggers, and practiced ERP. Eventually, I stopped caring what my “real” orientation was and learned to accept the uncertainty. I regained my sense of self with time.
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@pureolife Thanks that’s really insightful. I would ask more questions but I feel like that’s reassurance seeking
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@pureolife Did you become gay or realize you were because if ERP?
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@chamomile Can you follow @evkrey s example in this moment
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@NOCD Advocate - Katie Honestly what am I even supposed to follow, regardless it's making me anxious like can ERP make you realize something you're not?
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@chamomile Erp can't "make" you do anything. It gives you the opportunity to learn that you are capable of handling uncomfortable emotions, that uncomfortable emotions fade with time, and that thoughts are less important than actions
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@NOCD Advocate - Katie Oh ok, so it doesn't turn me into my fear instead help me realize my true self while also make me capable of handling my anxiety. Ok cool
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I have this problem. I obsess over whether I’m acting feminine or “gay” by my mannerisms, or I obsessively stare/scan for people who might be gay and study their mannerisms to see if I act like them in an assumed “feminine” way. But often HOCD can morph into TOCD where the fear is less about sexuality and more about “am I really a girl/boy trapped in the wrong body?” And focusing on “feeling masculine/feminine” as reasoning to be trans.
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It’s all cognitive distortions of what “gay” is or what it means to be a man/woman but the thoughts pop up regardless
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@evkrey That's pretty much what's going on for me. I am struggling because I don't feel feminine but I can't seem to think of myself with different pronouns and then I wonder if I'm non binary and then I start getting super worked up wondering where I'm lying to myself most.
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@ocdisntme Yeah I mean what it comes down to is obsessive mental analysis of some ambiguous “feeling” you’ve been debating on what it means probably for weeks if not months or years. At some point you will have to decide that maybe that “feeling” is unanswerable, but that doesn’t mean you can’t continue to live your life by your values in spite of it. And in doing so, the distress over that ambiguous “feeling” of “not being feminine enough” won’t be as bad, at least what I’ve read and heard from actual therapists
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@evkrey For me, it seems to be that feeling that makes me debate my little movements and makes me feel like it’s hard to let me by myself, and it’s constantly debating whether I’m “masculine or feminine” whatever that means. That feeling I can’t put my finger on only started when my OCD relapsed, and I think it’s a cognitive distortion. OCD makes you feel something or makes you think something happened that you know you don’t feel or you know didn’t happen.
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@jmg40 I think a good analysis of it for me, is that it tries to convince me that I’m unhappy with how I appear and that I actually want to appear more feminine or just want to be a woman. Except that since I don’t, the thought of it isn’t happy. But, since OCD gives you cognitive distortions, you don’t feel like yourself so you start to feel like neither, which makes you think non-binary. Which also freaks you out since you aren’t that either. I think it’s all OCD clouding judgement and cognitive distortions. I had similar things when I was suffering from HOCD.
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@jmg40 That’s exactly how i feel!! And accepting uncertainty (over gender/sexuality etc) almost feels like a total reset on life like I’m essentially nothing with no identity and having to re-learn who the hell I am. It’s scary and daunting
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@jmg40 How did you get through HOCD btw? My therapist has got me doing mindfulness as a start and accepting all thoughts but it’d be good to hear how someone made it out the other side
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@evkrey I don’t know if I really got through it. It still pops in from time to time, my theme just changed to TOCD.
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I have experienced both but I'm glad tocd didn't last very long :(. HOCD is lit right now though. Sorry for you that you're going through this :(
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- OCD Conqueror
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- 20w
This obsession is new, but feels so much more grounded and it’s so anxiety inducing. Since the ocd started I’ve lost my sense of self and confidence. I got soocd and it slowly turned into be doubting my identity on whether I want to identify or dress masculine or feminine. I don’t feel good in the clothes I would typically wear out before I’m constantly overanalyzing how I’m feeling , it makes me really anxious and like I’m preforming. So then I started doubting if I would rather dress masculine and it’s extremely anxiety inducing and idk if it’s the ocd now but it feels like that’s how I want to dress.. that’s not what I associated with at all before the ocd but now it feels like that’s what would make me feel fully confident and loose in the world, does anyone else experience this??
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- 13w
I’ve been struggling with HOCD for years, and it started with an intrusive thought about being gay when I was younger. It came up at age 12 and ever since, I’ve been trapped in a cycle of doubt and anxiety. I obsess over whether or not I’m secretly gay, even though I don’t feel that way at all. What makes it worse is the fear that I might have internalized homophobia, and that’s why I’m having these obsessive thoughts. I worry that my anxiety is a sign that I’m repressing something or rejecting part of myself. It feels like my mind keeps repeating the same question—am I gay?—and no matter how much reassurance I get, the fear doesn’t go away. I used to pray for my family members, fearing that if I didn’t, something bad would happen to them, and now it feels like I have to control these thoughts, or something will go wrong. For a while, it was quieter, but a week ago, the thoughts spiraled up again, and now the anxiety feels overwhelming again. It’s exhausting, and I don’t know how to break free from this constant loop of doubt. Has anyone dealt with the fear of internalized homophobia alongside HOCD? How do you manage the anxiety that comes with it?
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- 8w
Hey everyone, I’m reaching out because I’ve been going through one of the hardest mental spirals of my life, and I’m hoping someone can relate or shed light on what’s happening to me. About 4 months ago, I accidentally came across a trans porn scene. It didn’t do much at the time, but later it triggered this overwhelming intrusive thought: “What if I’m gay?” Since then, it’s been absolute hell. I’ve always been into women—emotionally, sexually, everything. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with a girl I love deeply. But after that moment, my brain started spiraling into nonstop analysis. I began checking how I felt around men, whether I felt attraction, whether I was in denial, whether I was lying to myself. Literally everything became a test. I got stuck in this loop: • A thought pops in → panic • Try to solve it → brief relief • Another thought → worse panic • Repeat. At times, it got so bad I couldn’t feel anything at all—toward my girlfriend, toward women, toward myself. I started doubting everything. Some days, I feel emotionally flat, like I’ve lost my personality. Other days, I wake up with a full-body jolt of “truth” like “I’m definitely gay”—only for it to fade into numbness again. I’ve also noticed that I get short bursts of peace when I stop reacting, but then the fear comes back louder, like “See? Now you’re accepting it. That means it’s true.” Therapy hasn’t helped much so far—it felt more like general counseling. They told me to sit with the thoughts, but didn’t clarify if this was OCD, identity questioning, or trauma. That just made it worse because now I’m back to thinking “What if I’m just rejecting my truth?” I’m exhausted. I’ve lost connection to everything I used to love. • I want to love my girl again the way I used to • I want to feel desire without overthinking • I want to trust myself again I’m not looking for reassurance—I just want to know if anyone else has gone through something like this, and if this sounds like HOCD or identity OCD. Thanks for reading.
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